starting over

[sanmagic7]

thank you, all of you.  more later.  i'm not in a good place today, had a run-in about therapy, trying to find a T, got lied to, went all frazzled, and i'm completely worn out today.  love you all - you're the best.

[Desert Flower]

Hold on dear San, I'm here sitting with you.

 

[NarcKiddo]

That sounds very stressful, San. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you for the hugs and care, DF and NK.  so appreciated.     

the short of it is that i've stopped the zoloft, am seeing the doc fri.  it was making my brain crazy, wanting to hurt myself, brain rush that couldn't be controlled, even w/ some EMDR interventions.  they helped, but the agitation continued thru my hands and the anxiety was overwhelming.  several times i resorted to xanax (a big no-no according to my doc) which helped calm my mind, stopped the agitation.  i stopped the zoloft now.  the only reason i tried it was cuz the doc kept telling me to have an open mind.

you know, i know what works for me, what doesn't.  to have to go thru this crapola just to make a point is crazy to me.  i've been around this theater for ages, have run thru my lines every which way possible, and went thru another awful experience just to show someone i know what i'm talking about,  ugh and a half!!!

and then trying to find a therapist.  another nightmare where i end up distraught and antagonized cuz someone either isn't explaining, or just flat out lying.  they tried to tell me that everyone in their network could take care of everything.  when i asked about dissociation, they assured me, yep, their therapists could take care of that,
i know trauma and trauma treatment, know about dissociation and DID cuz i experience them, know about my alexithymia and how that affects me. you cannot tell me that everyone in your system can treat all that.

after the second person told me the same thing, i ended up collecting myself and calling back to file a complaint,  this person told me they have intake persons who i would see first.  well, no one else told me that,  i got all fishimmeled, breaking emotionally, she said she'd put in my complaint and would have someone call me for a follow-up to fix the problem.  and they wanted me to wait until the end of july of next year to see someone!!!

it was all too much.  i'm gonna look for my own T in the meantime.  seems they all do zoom calls now, so at least i won't have to travel.  what a freakin' mess! 

[Desert Flower]

It's so frustrating, the way they make you go through this again! I hear you. I cannot believe the way this system works (not). Ugh indeed.

 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, DF, for your care and validation.  yes, exactly     it makes me wonder how much more i can take. 

it's been a helluva week, and i'm still recovering. visualizing the top of my head having to come off in order to let out the brick of whatever was in there really struck me this morning.  this is not a life.  my galpal asked me how often i felt ok, i told her about 25% of the time, and she was kinda flabbergasted.  i asked my last T if she'd ever heard me say i felt great, she admitted she hadn't, which was 5 yrs.  worth of work.  i am just hanging on, trying to save my sanity.  that's all i can do anymore.

[Chart]

Hey San, You ARE struggling. I want to confirm your struggle. I know to a very great degree what you are going through, though it remains unique to each of us, the pain when it descends is horrible. And you've been hanging in there for years, nose just above water. I want to affirm that I see you, and acknowledge your efforts and difficulties. I am so sorry that each move you make to try to improve your situation is met with a big stick in the turning wheel.

I recently had an experience where my daughter was targeted by a pedophile. Long story, but went to the police, informed the school and changed the two locks on the door to my house cause my daughter had lost her keys at one critical point (perfectly normal for a 12-year-old to lose stuff). But the thing that pushed me over the edge was when I learned that the new keys I'd gotten were actually stolen by another student in my daughter's gym class... I went to the school and had the misfortune to run into a monitor that was aware of the stolen key situation and thought it a good idea to help me out by telling me repeatedly that she "understood perfectly" how I was feeling. I finally snapped and replied, No, I don't think you do in fact. She then got a little haughty and told me that I didn't have to be rude. I held my ground, stayed rational and didn't go into a rage, but I was so at my limit at that point that I couldn't let it go. That night I wrote a letter to the administrators and teachers concerned that I did not in any way accept their window-dressing of understanding. (The situation actually made me aware of the fact that the full extent of the situation had not been communicated to the teachers or staff...)

Anyway, I'm rambling a bit... I guess what I'm trying to say is that "other people" do not in any way shape or form understand your situation... and I am deeply, truly sorry for that.

Seeing you, hoping the hardest part is past and sending love and support, Chart