starting over

[Chart]

I've got my fingers crossed for you too, San. Good luck tonight. I know what you mean about being afraid that it might not stick. It's like tolerance to a drug, the more we get used to a technique, if it's just treating symptoms, the core pathology can ramp-up it's intensity in order to bypass the temporary relief. This sucks in the short-term, but I believe in the mid to long-term the work is getting done, somewhere in there the electrician is hopping about putting things back where they "should" have been from the beginning. I recently watched a documentary about the biggest recorded tornado in US history, it was over a mile wide. Post analysis of radar of the tornado revealed at one point three distinct sub-tornados in the larger whole. I immediately thought of Cptsd. I think that is why "healing" is so frustrating. In my case I have really no idea what the "whole" of my trauma consists of. For this reason I could be experiencing the totality of my trauma and suddenly butt up against a powerful sub-storm that I never saw or knew existed. Such is the manner of the beast with which we battle. But I believe too that all this "fighting" (be it accepting, resisting, working with, breathing, everything...) is all sending messages to the inner workings, and the pain is the discomfort of getting that stuff up front and ready to realignment... readjustment. The blind stone-mason chipping away at the block. San, I believe you are far far more powerful than you feel. I'm sending big hugs too and wishing you sweet dreams. May that brick become a foundation, solid and supporting you in all your determined endeavors.
 

[sanmagic7]

hey, chart, thank you so for your uplifting words.  you know how to hit me where i smile, so to speak.  3 tornados in 1?  that's a lot of energy being expended, a lot of unleashed power.  i think of myself in terms of strength rather than power, so it was interesting you brought that up.  i know i'm one of the strongest people i know.  i don't know the concept of power for myself. i do know the power of my traumas, tho. interesting. 

no anxiety last nite, altho i could feel it wanting to bust thru on the edges.  that was good, tho.  any night w/o anxiety is a win.

[Chart]