starting over

[sanmagic7]

chart, i feel for you having those same experiences while driving.  that's so scary to me - as is the idea that you're still doing your phone in the car.  i know the experience scared me into wondering if it's still safe for me to drive.  i just hope it never happens to me again.  it did tell me, tho, that i was not rested/healed enough to be out on the road yet.   

DF, so sweet of you.  thank you.  it really helps.

thanks, armee, for that hug.  much appreciated.

feeling a bit better today, lots of rest yesterday, and am looking forward to more today.  am not quite as exhausted feeling right now, so i'm taking that as a good sign.  we'll see - i don't have much trust anymore.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
So glad to hear you got lots of rest yesterday.  I hope you get some more today, as you hope to do.  I know you're still feeling some exhaustion, but it's good that it's not as much as before.  That is a good direction.   

[sanmagic7]

thank you hope for the support.  much appreciated.

still resting, but i can feel some energy coming back, so that's nice.  i'm hoping to see my B and SIL tomorrow, want to make some food for them, but have already thought about doing the prep today cuz there are a lot of steps to what i want to make - french bread pizza burgers, my personal favorite food.  i hope i don't exhaust myself by being too ambitious.  it's just when i feel some energy, i want to do something with it before the next bout of feeling down and out.  yeah, i don't trust myself at all on this front.

but, i'm gonna give it a shot, so i'll stick w/ something pos. to end this.

[Hope67]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the hug, hope, and back atcha.

well, i freaked out yesterday before i could even get started on the prep for the food - needed meds to calm me down.  it was awful.  so glad i told my D, cuz she offered to help me, and that went really well.  i've made these things 1000 times, if i've made them once, but suddenly i was doubting myself all over the place, and it was horrible.  what if this?  what if that?  i used to entertain a lot, made food for others all the time, but i've flubbed it a couple times since i've been here and you know?  i just want to be normal again.

so, having a hard time accepting that things are not the same for me, i can't think the same way, can't act the same way, can't judge things the same way to have them work out the way i want.  it's a lot of acceptance, and i hate that so much has changed for me.  some of it might be age, but some of it is aftermath of trauma.

my D asked me what would be the worst thing that would happen if i messed up?  being judged?  making a mistake?  doing so in front of people?  nope, none of those, altho they'd play a part, but the biggest thing that came to mind was that i'd feel so terrible about it, about wanting to make something for someone else and i couldn't, so they wouldn't be able to enjoy the gift i wanted to give them.  i'd feel just awful about that.

and maybe i need to stop trying to do this if it's going to give me such a terrible feeling, so much anxiety, but i doubt if i'll stop.  i need to learn more about how much heat the stove gives off so i don't burn things, stop believing that i can do things the same way i used to, cuz, quite honestly, i can't.  i used to do this stuff w/o thinking, like driving, but now i do have to think about it, do it mindfully.  ugh!  changes to practice. 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Your caring about other people shines through so brightly.  You wanted your guests to enjoy the gift you wanted to give them, and I imagine that if you asked them what they thought of their time with you, that you would indeed have given them a lot of gifts of caring, and the meal that you and your D created together would have been delicious and I hope very much that you are able to rest and enjoy the evening. 
Hope

[sanmagic7]

hope, thanks for your caring and support.  w/ my D's help, everything was wonderful and everyone enjoyed themselves.  these people are not judgmental at all to begin with, and it would have worked out just fine no matter what.  i just get so frizzed anymore about things that never bothered me in the slightest before.   

and i guess that's a big part of it - i walked thru the world w/o fear for so much of my life, and now that it's around me, i don't always know what to do with it, how to function w/ it, how to just 'be' with it without it overwhelming me to the point of being frozen.  still working on it, i guess.

driving to my galpal's today - haven't driven since that dissociation episode.  i'm already sure i'll be taking some meds before i go.  i so do not like walking around in life w/ fear, still don't understand how people who experience it every day keep on going. 

[sanmagic7]

my trip to my galpal's place was good - i saged her place cuz she's been feeling like there are spirits who don't belong there, playing tricks, and it's been scaring her.  she hasn't been able to sleep well since she moved in.  i've got to check in w/ her today, see if there's any difference.  when we were finished - she got into it, which i was glad to see, shoo-ing anyone unwanted out the door - i asked how she felt, she took a minute, said she felt lighter.  i hope it's stayed that way.

i did have to take meds to drive there, tho, scared of another dissociation event.  but it turned out ok, and i was able to rock 'n' roll a bit on the way home, which always feels great, feels like my old, upbeat self.  i don't see enough of that side of me anymore, but it's wonderful when she can come out, make an appearance.

i do not like feeling the emotion of fear.  i got along so well w/o it for most of my life.  it still feels foreign and intrusive, very unnatural.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
I am glad you were able to drive there ok, and that you enjoyed listening to that rock'n'roll on the way home.  Sounds like fun. 

I don't know if you're into 'parts work' at all, but when you mentioned disliking the emotion of fear, and how it feels foreign and intrusive and very unnatural, I wondered if maybe that's a part of you that has made its presence known, and maybe for the first time, and therefore you are reacting to the surprising fact of that part being there, and maybe just noticing it - and acknowledging its presence might make some difference.  Please disregard this if you wish, as I am just saying what came into my mind, and I know you were just commenting on your feelings about feeling the emotion of fear.

Hope

[sanmagic7]

hi, hope, thank you for your thoughts and ideas - much appreciated.  i haven't really gotten into parts work, per se, so i don't know for sure if this discomfort w/ fear is part of that.  i do struggle w/ alexithymia, tho, which is the inability to recognize and/or access emotions, and can see how that's been a major player in my life.  the idea that i can even feel fear now, where i hadn't for most of my life, is what makes me uncomfortable w/ it, i believe.  however, to your point, that fear may be attached to one of my parts.

for me, just the idea of being able to feel some of these emotions, like fear, is still a big deal.  if i want to look into the idea that the fear is a part of me making itself known is a whole nother level of processing.  i'm not sure if i'm ready to go into 'parts' work yet.  frankly, the idea produces fear w/in me. i can feel that right now.  and for some reason, my last T, altho she was familiar w/ parts work, when i brought it up, she seemed reluctant to delve into that w/ me and it never went anywhere.  it may have been because of my abnormally extreme reactions to feeling some of my emotions.  at times, they would get me physically ill or incapacitated to some degree for days, sometimes weeks. we had to really tiptoe around emotion realizations.

thank you, tho, for bringing this up as a possible explanation.  you may be spot on. i do appreciate it a lot.   

felt a bit better the past couple days, but had a bad nite last nite, so i'm lagging/dragging today.  the weather is wonky - cool, cold, rainy, hot, repeat, and that knocks me off center, too.  i had 2 naps yesterday cuz i was so tired and feeling worn out.  i just fell asleep while sitting watching tennis. 

ok, i read hope's response again, and i do remember one of the first times i actually felt afraid - i was in kindergarten, was sent home for milk money, tried to get into our house but the door was locked, i pounded and pounded on the door, but no answer, and i remember standing there, crying so hard, so scared, as if i'd never be able to get into my home again.  my mother did eventually hear me - she'd been vacuuming -  and i was an emotional mess.  when i told her why i was home, she gave me my milk money, sent me back to school.  it was a couple blocks walk, and i was 4 or 5.

having to take care of myself emotionally was a lonely endeavor.  i can feel the sadness right now just thinking about it.  i had to not be scared in order to do what needed to be done, so it just wasn't allowed in my life.  i'm thinking this may be the first time in general where i've felt safe enough for some of these emotions to make themselves known, since i've been living w/ my D.  so, about 70 yrs. w/o feeling fear, and now sometimes i can. it's still a lot to deal w/, not only the emotion itself, but its presence in my life.  i can feel the distress inside me just writing about this.

[Hope67]

 

[Desert Flower]

hey dear San, I've been away for a bit, but still thinking of you.
I do recognise many things you're saying. It's such a big thing when we start feeling anything. After we weren't allowed to go anywhere near our feelings for such a long time. And it can certainly be scary too.
However, I do believe our 'system' lets us feel whatever we are able to handle in a particular moment. If not, it would just shut us down again, just to be sure/safe.
That said, do take it easy with the emotions and take it slow, take care and don't take on too much.
Big big hugs to you San.
 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, DF, for your caring and kindness, for telling me not to take on too much of this 'emotion' thing at a time.  it was reassuring to hear.

we've got smoke in the air from wildfires.  it got to me last nite, so we're all shut up inside today.  hopefully this will go away soon.  i've been thru this before in other places i've lived - seems like we can't hardly get away from it anymore.

couldn't get to sleep till about 5 this morning, so i'm not feeling the greatest today. 

[Desert Flower]

I hope the smoke and wildfires will end soon, those can be triggering too.
And I hope you were able to sleep a little or rest at least. It's hard when we get no / not enough sleep.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry you're dealing with wildfire smoke. I would hate that as I am bizarrely sensitive to the smell of smoke. I hope the fires end soon.