Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

[Desert Flower]

I'm glad you're feeling better too Chart. 

[Chart]

Somebody pinch me, I feel normal!
 
 

[Desert Flower]

 
 

[Desert Flower]

Just a little note to myself today because this is my (deceased) father's birthday. It's strange because most of my life I didn't have a father, since I was eight. And I do not remember much at all about him. I remember he used to take me on little rides on his scooter/motor bike and we would wear these ridiculous helmets, I remember those very clearly. And I remember being on some vacation and a tent at the campsite (not ours) was on fire and I stood beside him watching the fire. I don't remember being scared, more like fascinated. And I remember another vacation when we were swimming in a river with big round boulders on the ground and ice cold water and him saying: come on, you can do it. And I remember leaving church one time and me as a kid taking an adults' hand and walking out the church until the sudden realisation that I'd made a mistake, this wasn't my fathers hand. And I remember going shopping for new bedding with both my parents and me being afraid to say which kind of bedding I actually wanted and ending up with something I didn't really want. And him working at the printing factory. That's about it as far as memories of my dad go.

When I was a teenager, a lousy period of my life being abused and all, I was really good at English at school and when I graduated, I was awarded a prize for being the best at English. And the English teacher gave me book that was titled 'Dad'. That was awkward, I'm sure the teacher didn't know I didn't have a dad, he liked me actually (in a good way) and he wouldn't do this on purpose I think. So I never read the book and I threw it out at some point. But now I thought I'd like to read the book after all and I ordered it and it arrived today, on my dad's birthday, I like the synchronicity of that.

[NarcKiddo]

That sounds like a pleasant miscellany of memories of your father. And how nice the book arrived on his birthday. I'm glad you were able to find a copy and order it - especially since you got the original as a prize. Well done, you.

[Armee]

I'm sorry for the loss of your father, both the initial and final loss. I think it's really cool that you remembered that book from your teacher and have ordered it to see what they were trying to share with you now. I'll be curious to hear what the book is about, as another fatherless survivor.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing the memories here. 

[Chart]

 

[sanmagic7]

i like the synchronicity of that book coming on his birthday as well, DF.  like you made the right choice for yourself.  i like it when things happen like that.  love and hugs

[Desert Flower]

I've got some more writing to do, some things have been on my mind. 'Everyday' things?

The setting is I'm away by myself for the weekend. This is a strange experience. It's not often I'm totally alone. Since I've gotten more aware of my needs some years ago, I've felt that I just need to be alone sometimes. The constant availability for the kids and organising everything in the home strains me sometimes and then I'm ready to snap. And I don't want to be so stressed all the time. So the thing is, being alone means no demands being made.
The idea is I should be able to relax now. And it's a very nice holiday home we've got that I can now go to (it's fairly new that we have this). But the funny thing is, lately, I've already been taking care of my needs better, and I don't feel totally strained all the time at home, there are times at home that I can relax too and now, being alone at the holiday home, I feel my feelings and hear my thoughts almost constantly. A constant stream of consciousness. (And a few weeks ago, with the big EF, I wouldn't have wanted to be alone at all.)

I'm okay though, it's a gentle way of getting more and more in touch with my feelings and thoughts. It's been good being here too. I did get to go over the things I'd read again, to consolidate the understanding and recognition of what has been going on with me all these years. That's good and calming and reassuring.
And having no stimuli is nice too. And I took a long walk by the sea yesterday, and the weather was perfect so that was really nice.

And it's very good to notice, the tension and anxiety come from within (mostly?). So here's what I've been anxious about. When I arrived I saw two men having a chat across our house. Possible residents, I don't know them. And they saw me arrive on my own. So they know there's a woman alone in here. No need to say more here. Keeping all the doors locked all the time.

Second, I eat snacks for comfort. And yesterday I'd decided to get some of my favourite snacks down the village. Regular people would not find it a big deal at all. But I've been anxious about it all day yesterday. Because it involves me driving to the village and parking my car there. I've got this very specific fear of driving. It's not so much the driving at all, I actually like the machinery and the speed and all that. And I'm good at anticipating traffic actually ha ha. But I didn't know this village yet, the other times my h had been driving there, and I wasn't sure I'd be able to find a parking space so I had been going over Google maps and street view endlessly. The thing about doing the actual parking is that I may be in people's way. They may have to wait for a bit. Which is totally fine of course, when you look at it from a regular person's perspective. But me, I just never want anyone to be the least bit hassled by me. It's a really big deal for me to not bother anyone. And I know this. And I still went and everything went smoothly, it always does. I know this too. And still, I can be so anxious about these things. I really feel silly about it, in the real world I wouldn't tell anybody, but here I think I can share it.

Third, there's always m in the back of my mind. It's annoying the * out of me. And interesting too in a way. I had planned to visit her last Friday, before going off for the weekend. But I had quite a bit of a cold and I didn't want to infect her, her being 82 and fragile. So I thought, maybe when I would feel better on Sunday, I could still go and visit her. This is duty calling, it's not for me, I don't like going. And she always sees problems arising everywhere. So this time she said there's some event in town and I may not be able to get into town. And any of these problems that arise in her head are never any actual problem (see a pattern here?, ugh!) And she's passively asking for help all the time, but not being too obvious about it. So she said there's 'no need' for me to come. I wrote this before, this phrase just drives me crazy. 'There's no need' means don't bother on my account in this case. Just leave me be, being lonely. And I'm supposed to say: no mom I really wanna come, it's no hassle at all, I enjoy coming too (I don't) etc. etc. And then go anyway. Cause she does really want me to come. And I'm just so sick of these dynamics. And I thought: okay mom, if you keep communicating like this, this is what you get. I won't press on. I really don't want to anyway. And I said: okay better then that I don't come. There.

And now I'm tired because of not sleeping so well on my own, feeling not quite safe like I said. I'm okay though. And it's been interesting.

 

[Desert Flower]

And another thing that's bugging me. In this conversation I had with my m, she also said (something like, hard to translate) I don't want you to be stressing. And this just really struck me. For multiple reasons. First, she's the reason I'm stressing all the time in the first place!!! Her upbringing and neglect and never comforting me. And second, it implies it's my fault. And it's NOT. Just really needed to stress that here. [swear words] 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hey Desert Flower,

Your commentary on being alone and how that feels makes a lot of sense. The good and the bad, the ability to process things without distractions, but then also... having so many things to think about because there's nobody there to distract you.

No need to say more here. Keeping all the doors locked all the time.

I hate to be the sharer of potential paranoia but don't forget to lock your windows too.

and I wasn't sure I'd be able to find a parking space so I had been going over Google maps and street view endlessly.

I thought it was just me who did this, hah. New or unfamiliar locations are quite anxiety-inducing, indeed. But going over the planning of it all can be so comforting, knowing exactly where you'll park, where you'll walk, what the building entrance looks like - it all becomes... expected; becomes safer.

And she always sees problems arising everywhere. So this time she said there's some event in town and I may not be able to get into town. And any of these problems that arise in her head are never any actual problem (see a pattern here?, ugh!)

My M is a bit like this too. It is very frustrating to deal with. Like yeah, sometimes you just wish they'd communicate what they want more clearly, rather than dancing around it or giving confusing mixed messages.

I haven't read any older entries but I hope you've been well the past few months.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Desert Flower]

Thank you Aphotic.

I hate to be the sharer of potential paranoia but don't forget to lock your windows too.

Yes. Definitely. They are locked.

[Desert Flower]

I'll be curious to hear what the book is about, as another fatherless survivor.

It's interesting what you said about not having a father either. I read on a (non English) website for grown ups who lost a parent as a kid, that children who lose a parent end up in abusive situations more often than others.

- Trigger warning -
So. This book. Yes, it's about a Dad. That's expected. But it's also about a very narc mom, traumatised and all. And there's a scene in there with a two year old and it's not pretty. (So think twice before reading it, I'd say. I'm serious.)

That triggered me enough to want to go home immediately, so that's what I did. Home now with h and kids and very happy to be. Being alone had made me anxious for long enough. So being alone doesn't necessarily help, it turns out. You bring yourself with you, they say, and now I experienced it. That was educational.
And now part of me wants to I apologise to my h and kids for being away and not even having had a good time at that, because I am the way I am. But I also know it is an accomplishment, being the way I am.
And the sea was so still when I was there, amazingly calm. My daughter says it was too still. She's a wise girl. And when I got home, my darling son had made me a plate with a raspberry from our garden and apple slices and flower decorations, waiting for me. Ever so sweet of him, it warms my heart.

[Chart]

I have this thing while driving, if someone's behind me I feel guilty and responsible that I'm going too slow and "inconveniencing" them. But then sometimes this transforms to anger, especially if they get dangerously close (which is most of the time in France) and then I actually slow down just to annoy them in return.

I'm pretty confident BOTH reactions are unhealthy

But it's like you mentioned about "consciousness". That's what counts, becoming aware of all these little thoughts and reactions...

Nonetheless sounds like a nice "self"holiday by the sea. And coming home to the pure love of two small children just fills me with warmth. There's nothing more beautiful... almost makes the sad absence worth it all.