I Am

[NarcKiddo]

 

I hope this backlash passes soon.

 

[Bach]

Strategy for managing my self-hatred:  Find one little useful thing I can cope with doing, no matter how small, and do it.  Then if I can, find another little useful thing and do it.  Then if I can, another.  Etc.  If at any time I start feeling like I can't cope with whatever I'm doing, STOP.  Find something else to do, or rest.  When possible, go see the river.

[Blueberry]

I wish I wasn't a black hole of neediness and dysfunction.

I read this right next to the picture of a parrot in your avatar. I'm wondering if that parrot thinks you're so needy and dysfunctional. I bet they don't.

(Although I do unfortunately understand where you're coming from with that wish.)

[HannahOne]

With you in the self-hatred today, Bach.

I'm going to try your strategy.

You are not alone.

[sanmagic7]

Strategy for managing my self-hatred:  Find one little useful thing I can cope with doing, no matter how small, and do it.  Then if I can, find another little useful thing and do it.  Then if I can, another.  Etc.  If at any time I start feeling like I can't cope with whatever I'm doing, STOP.  Find something else to do, or rest.  When possible, go see the river.

sounds like a solid strategy to me.  and, yeah, sometimes being w/ nature is one of the greatest healing devices ever concocted.  glad you have a river to go to.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

I agree that sounds like a good plan, Bach. Going to see the river sounds like a useful thing to add to your list of useful things, maybe?

[Blueberry]

 

[Bach]

I have a terrible relationship with food.  I resent the necessity of it and don't want to deal with it.  If I had the financial resources I'd hire someone to do my shopping, cooking and cleaning up so I wouldn't have to deal with it unless I bloody well felt like it.  Which I would, sometimes, but certainly not every single day of every single week of every single month of every single year.  It's a good thing I don't live alone.  I can't imagine how I would manage to feed myself at all if I wasn't forced to deal with shopping and meal prep as a responsibility to my household.

[HannahOne]

Food is exhausting!

[sanmagic7]

  ditto.

when i got married in mexico, i told my mexican husband that i was no mexican wife, to not expect me to make mexican dishes (i never wanted to compare my cooking w/ that of my mother-in-law - there's no competition there.  mom's meals will always win out! 

so, yeah, i hear you.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

I hear you, Bach! I feel like dealing with proper meal prep about once every 2 weeks. I live alone...

[Bach]

Therapy is SO depressing lately. I'm so tired of going over the same old crap again and again with no answer, no way to progress.  I feel utterly stuck, like maybe I've already dealt with all the things I can deal with, and the rest I'll  just have to live with forever. 

I've been terribly unhappy for the past few days and nothing is helping.  Not drugs, not accomplishing useful things, not swimming, not comforting routines with My Person.  I'm full of regretful thoughts about my life.  I think the truth of the matter is that I'm angry, furiously angry at many people about many things, but I won't let myself feel it because depression is safer.  And even if I did feel it, what good would that do?  I can't do anything about any of it.  Which brings me back to depressing therapy:  My therapist says that I feel that I have no power because I don't want to believe that I have any power.  She might be right, I don't know.  I'm not even sure exactly what she means by "power".  It feels like just another no-answer, another thing that I should be able to do something about, but don't know what.

[TheBigBlue]

I really relate to how exhausting that place can feel.

Sometimes well-meant advice - especially more CBT-type reframes - can land as either invalidating of the lived, felt experience or as subtle pressure. Like there's something we should be doing differently, some switch we're failing to flip. When you're already stuck and hurting, that can make the stuckness feel even heavier.

And what you said about anger feeling unsafe, but depression feeling safer... that makes a lot of sense. For many of us, anger once had consequences. Depression can be a kind of armor - dull, heavy, but protective.

When your therapist talks about "power," I wonder if part of what makes it hard is that power doesn't feel accessible when you're this worn down. It's hard to imagine agency when your system is in survival mode.

I don't hear someone who doesn't want power. I hear someone who's tired, disappointed, and wanting relief.

I'm really glad you said it out loud here. You don't have to carry that alone tonight. 💛

[HannahOne]

Hi Bach. I get feeling stuck. Your anger is valid. Depression can be protection. Sometimes finding power is a way forward. Sometimes acceptance is the way, becoming willing to have things be the way they were, the way they are. Sometimes depression is the mother of acceptance. Denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance. The stages of grief. Your grief is valid, too.