"Picking" a career

[LadybugBee]

Hi folks,

After being diagnosed and learning about c-ptsd over the last year, I've been re-evaluating my life. I had a great job at a huge tech company, and I reasonably liked the job. However, I had a terrible time working with my boss. I found her to be unreasonable and mean. She would tell me I was frustrating her and that she was unhappy with my work constantly. This triggered memories of my mother. I had to take a medical leave to try and cope with the flashbacks and triggers.

I decided the environment was no longer healthy for me, and I quit. I planned out my finances for the next few months and put in my two weeks notice.

Now I'm on the job hunt. My background is in dance-- I was a very gifted dancer and worked steadily in NYC for 8 years. I now live in Silicon Valley, which is fine but not my forever place. I don't fit in here-- I'm not a "rise and grind" kind of person. I don't really care about consumer electronics.

I'm "supposed" to be following my heart and listening to my intuition about what's next for me, but I feel so blocked and so tired. When I seek advice, typically the response is go back to dance or travel. I'm so tired, I just want to rest. I honestly feel like I could focus solely on my recovery for the rest of my life and work sparingly. But I am on my own, with no family support or partner, so I need an income.

I feel really stuck and lost... what am I supposed to be doing? I enjoy spending time with my dog, doing yoga and meditation, and cleaning my home. Just a quiet simple existence that brings me a lot of peace.

What do y'all do? How do you manage recovery and work?

[AphoticAtramentous]

I feel really stuck and lost... what am I supposed to be doing? I enjoy spending time with my dog, doing yoga and meditation, and cleaning my home. Just a quiet simple existence that brings me a lot of peace.

I unfortunately can't give too much personal advice, but have you tried going to a work/training recruitment agency? When I finished high-school I signed up with one of these agencies and it helped me out immensely. They're usually pretty open to one's own needs and skills, so hopefully they could help?

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Cascade]

Oh boy, LadybugBee.  I am in almost the exact same boat as you.  AND struggling.  All I can offer is support and empathy.  I wish I had some answers!  Right now, I am focusing on me and trusting that the right next thing will come along at the right next time.  Scary, but it's all I can manage.

Here's a hug if that's okay,
   -Cascade
   

[Teddy bear]

Hi LadybugBee,

Just found this thread, and it feels like the main dilemma I've had for the last few years.

My situation is different, but I also used to work in a tech company (not in Silicon Valley, though). I had other aspirations before finishing school and in other later periods of my life.

Travelling was a good time to reassess everything — plenty of quiet time for myself. I had thoughts of returning to passions I'd had previously, and even made some attempts.

Your background and talent in dancing sound impressive. I don't like to give advice, so I won't. Just following a passion seems not only fulfilling and interesting to me but also probably the most fruitful and 'possible-to-make-happen' path.

Meanwhile, I've come across different career advice before — I mean, I've read some articles, and some are very hesitant about this approach. But I think it's solely up to you!

It would be nice to chat if you're still on this forum 🤗🤝. Your situation has probably changed a lot since then.

Anyway, best of luck 🍀

[Kizzie]

Unfortunately LadyBugBee is no longer coming to the forum but I think this is a good thread to carry on with given CPTSD affects our work life.

This is slightly different from what LBB posted about but working takes a lot out of us especially if we're dysregulated and trying to hold it together while at work. I remember coming home some days and just collapsing because of the effort of appearing like everything was "normal" with me. It would take cocooning all evening and overnight just to be able to slog through another day until I was able to regulate again. I am retired now and glad to not be dealing with work related stress and CPTSD symptoms I must say.

I think there are countries where CPTSD is classed as a disability now - if you happen to be in a location where this is available it would be interesting to hear from you and how it all works. 

[Teddy bear]

Unfortunately LadyBugBee is no longer coming to the forum but I think this is a good thread to carry on with given CPTSD affects our work life.

This is slightly different from what LBB posted about but working takes a lot out of us especially if we're dysregulated and trying to hold it together while at work. I remember coming home some days and just collapsing because of the effort of appearing like everything was "normal" with me. It would take cocooning all evening and overnight just to be able to slog through another day until I was able to regulate again. I am retired now and glad to not be dealing with work related stress and CPTSD symptoms I must say.

I think there are countries where CPTSD is classed as a disability now - if you happen to be in a location where this is available it would be interesting to hear from you and how it all works. 

Hi Kizzie,

Thank you for your reply and for sharing your experience.

When I used to work full-time, I also often felt exhausted and very tired, and I experienced some major burnouts.
Later, I switched to freelancing and was mostly travelling, as I had a passive income.

Then I went through a rough period after returning to my home country, which ended in a few involuntary hospitalisations due to psychotic episodes.
It was very hard, and I was unable to work for about ten years.

Meanwhile, I've been recovering gradually. I finished a few courses and managed to find a remote job, but the project was eventually closed.

So, I keep studying through free online courses and am still considering an MSc, among other options.

In Russia, where I still live, only ICD-10 is officially accepted, so most doctors here don't know about CPTSD at all...
Or they believe they aren't formally allowed to assign this diagnosis.

Because of that, it isn't classified for disability allowance.

As I mentioned previously, I have another diagnosis: F20. A few years ago, I started using it to access some payments and benefits.
Although it's not enough to live on, especially in a metropolis.
Currently, I often live with my parents in the countryside, where my dog and cat are.
This helps with expenses.

But I still want to organise my income and do something meaningful—whether in IT, as before, or in something creative like drawing/painting, preferably through freelancing.

[Kizzie]

I'm glad to hear you are recovering Teddy Bear, it sounds like you went through quite a bad period. Are you recovering on your own or do you have a therapist?

I'd personally be interested to hear about the mental health system where you live as Russia still remains a mystery in many ways. It seems odd that there is an acceptance of the ICD-10 but not the ICD-11 which does have CPTSD as a diagnosis. Is this something you could ask for from a therapist/the health system (i.e., that you be evaluated for CPTSD according to the ICD-11)? And may I ask what is "F20"?

Also, there is a guide we developed as part of a project a team of us completed recently which is for healthcare professionals and does cover complex relational trauma and complex PTSD, as well as trauma informed care, etc. It's here - https://www.outofthestorm.website/healthcare-project. It's only in English though so that may be prohibitive. If there is a T who does speak English though, it likely would be quite helpful.

I do hope you are able to carve out a career in the near future, it sounds like you have some ideas about what you'd like to do 

[Teddy bear]

I'm glad to hear you are recovering Teddy Bear, it sounds like you went through quite a bad period. Are you recovering on your own or do you have a therapist?

I'd personally be interested to hear about the mental health system where you live as Russia still remains a mystery in many ways. It seems odd that there is an acceptance of the ICD-10 but not the ICD-11 which does have CPTSD as a diagnosis. Is this something you could ask for from a therapist/the health system (i.e., that you be evaluated for CPTSD according to the ICD-11)? And may I ask what is "F20"?

Also, there is a guide we developed as part of a project a team of us completed recently which is for healthcare professionals and does cover complex relational trauma and complex PTSD, as well as trauma informed care, etc. It's here - https://www.outofthestorm.website/healthcare-project. It's only in English though so that may be prohibitive. If there is a T who does speak English though, it likely would be quite helpful.

I do hope you are able to carve out a career in the near future, it sounds like you have some ideas about what you'd like to do 

Hey Kizzie,

Thanks a lot. Yeah, I keep trying and, well, getting some results sometimes, which is motivating. For example, today I got an email confirming my place on an online illustration course. I'm really glad 😊 as the tutor is quite a well-known professional in Russia. Anyway, it should be fun 🙃

The mental health system in Russia is still punitive by its very nature. It's based on the Soviet system, which oppressed dissidents and non-conforming people. 
It's similar today: there are many political prisoners here, and psychiatry is again being used against some of them.

The system basically has an entrance but no exit path. That's the norm. 
Although some fortunate individuals manage to get rid of their diagnoses and supervision, or get their driving licence back, etc., it's extremely rare. Nevertheless, I know of a few such cases.

About the diagnosis: F20 is "paranoid schizophrenia". 
As I read just yesterday (and have noticed over the last ten or more years), they use it as a "rubbish bin" diagnosis for anyone who has experienced psychosis. No one ever clarifies whether it was caused by trauma. (Honestly, I now believe that most F20 cases are. The chemical imbalance theory sounds more and more made-up and unbelievable to me.)

Most psychiatrists belong to the "old Soviet school", so their methods include: haloperidol, chlorpromazine (known here as aminazine), restraint with straps, involuntary hospitalisations, and so on...

The Serbsky Institute remains a frightening place (it's where Professor Snezhnevsky worked and invented the "sluggish schizophrenia" diagnosis, which means it can be schizophrenia even without psychosis. It's was used against dissidents widely.
Officially they can't use it anymore, but I've noticed it's used even by some doctors still). 
While I've heard of some people who undergo medical examinations and see doctors at this institution (probably they don't know the history well enough), I would never do it. Currently, it functions mainly for court-ordered psychiatric expertise.

Apart from psychiatric hospitals, we also have dispensaries (диспансеры), which is what I have to visit periodically, and the saddest part—psycho-neurological internats (ПНИ)—where people with "serious mental illnesses" live in horrible conditions.

The laws regarding psychiatric help are, in short, as follows: you can be sectioned (detained involuntarily) in three cases: 
- you represent a danger to yourself, 
- a danger to others, 
- or you are unable to take care of yourself. 

In fact, the rules are often abused. For example, I have an F20 diagnosis, which means I can easily be hospitalised (and I was) even when the criteria aren't truly met. The words of relatives, neighbours, and doctors all carry more weight than the patient's.

Probably, in rare cases, they do something necessary (like when I had a suicide attempt in 2016, leading to my first hospitalisation and first psychotic episode), but I've had no attempts since then. 
Ironically, I had suicidal thoughts AFTER the hospitalisations. The hospital is basically like a prison, I suppose. (But as Soviet dissidents said, it's even worse: in prison you know your sentence, but in a psychiatric hospital, you never do.) 
I've been hospitalised four times, roughly two months each. I understand it's not the worst-case scenario, but certainly not the best; some are lucky to be discharged in a few weeks.

Psychiatric patients are people with restricted rights, even when they are legally competent (дееспособны), like me. There's a lot of stigma and discrimination (like yesterday at the doctor's iffice, but it can happen anywhere), prejudice, myths, etc. 
Even self-stigma, I suppose, in many people, which is of course caused by the system.

Lately, I tried to join a democratic organisation with the desire to advocate for my rights (as a patient) and the rights of others in the same boat, but I fairly quickly understood that almost no one actually cares, even in such organisations. 
Anyway, there's a war on now, and that's the first priority. Not psychiatric patients.