Hola everyone :)

[mytime]

I am here because I think its about time to start living a real life. I grew up in a totally dysfunctional family, my father was mostly absent and always unfaithfully to my mother, my mother a very controlling and abusive person, physically and emotionally. I am the oldest of my siblings and I think the most damaged by all there mistakes and lack of care for the 4 us. My whole life I've felt like there is no hope, like something bad is always about to happen, grew up very isolated and controlled by my mother, no real friends or meaningful relationships, always insecure and timid, recluse and introverted. Not one memory of my mother being kind to us, or caring about how we felt, she will just drag us along into all her crazy decisions and misadventures, me, feeling that profound resentment and frustration that you can't explain when you r a child and unable to do anything to save yourself from that chaos. I grew up so used to all this mayhem that I actually thought that was the standard, something normal, until I became a mother. Once I became an adult I used to say "I will not make the same mistakes my mother made" .. and surprisingly enough (not), that is exactly what I did to my daughter, not in the same degree my mother did with me but there was damage, damage she struggles with right now, this would forever be the biggest regret of my life, one that fills me with guilt and pain. I guess that is also my main motivation to be here, I know I need help and I want to think that life can change and that it is finally my time
Thank you for listening

[Papa Coco]

MyTime,

Welcome to the forum. Your story touches my heart. I'm sorry to hear you feel so much guilt and pain about how life worked out between yourself and your daughter, but to me, anyone who is aware enough to feel those things is showing that they are a truly good person. The regret you feel is a sign of a good person. It absolutely separates you from who your mother is (or was).

This forum is a place of kindness and compassion. I live with my own sense of guilt and pain also, and the people here have been a big part of how I'm feeling better about myself and my past now. I didn't always feel so compassionate on others as I do now, and I didn't always feel any compassion at all for myself. I was my own worst critic. So, I can easily resonate with what you've written here.

To soften my own tendency to feel regret and remorse for my past relationships, I usually fall back on the wisdom of the great Maya Angelou who once said, "We do the best we can until we know better. When we know better, we do better."

This community has been a godsend for me for almost 3 years now. There's a great deal of comfort in sharing our lives with others who understand us because they've walked similar paths as ours.

I sincerely hope you find that to be true for yourself as well and I'm very pleased to meet you in this space.

Welcome!

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome.

Realising that you need help, and reaching out for that help, is the first step along the road to healing. I wish you all the very best as you carry on your healing journey.

[mytime]

Thank you so much! 💓 to both of you, ur words give me so much encouragement, the concept of sharing  my real struggles is so strange to me having grown up always hiding everything inside just to be able to survive but I really want to change that, n here I already feel that I am not alone, Thank you

[TreeVines]

The piece about your daughter really resonated with me as I see that I have made my youngest almost exactly like me - always worrying about what every one thinks, quiet, withdrawn. It is solely because of my trauma and how reactive I am.

I'm in therapy now 2X a week and it is helping, but my regret about this and losing my marriage runs deep and it is painful.

You are not alone.