The ramblings of an abused kid (trigger warnings galore)

[GoSlash27]

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror today, averted my eyes. I forced myself to look at my reflection, directly in my own eyes. All I saw was me.
 I chuckled at how silly all of this has been. I'll be alright.

[GoSlash27]

Today was a busy day.
 I managed to positively identify the "scene of the crime" of my first ordeal. I may have also found associates of the woman who intervened on our behalf (confirmation pending).
 I will soon have reliable dates and locations for nearly everything within this 15 month span, save a motel room I'm resigned to never finding.
 Examining all of my memories of "the scene of the crime" caused some anxiety, but not as bad as expected.

 I feel like my cPTSD ordeal may be over. I'll check with my T. There are no more secrets. No unknown triggers. My "monster" has a face and it has been slain. I'm free.

[GoSlash27]

 Heavy spoiler warning. I'm in an evil mood.
I'm sitting here this morning filled with impotent rage.
 My mother died peacefully in her sleep, oblivious not only to what she did to her own children, but unaware of the fact that she ever even had any.
 She died alone and unloved and it's not enough for me. I don't want explanations or reconciliation. I want revenge.
 People will give me excuses for her behavior or defend her or even attack *me* for being unforgiving, but I'm having none of it. She was a manipulative duplicitious selfish * who literally took her own children hostage. Abused and held us captive for months for the crime of merely existing as helpless toddlers. Children who were tortured and ruined for the crime of being offspring of a woman who didn't want us and was enraged by any reminder of our existence but also didn't want to let anyone else take us away from her. And she got away with it.
 I was ruined to the point of needing rehabilitation just to walk and speak again and suffered lifetime cPTSD and a bizarre infallible memory that I can't access at will. A literal silent witness to her crimes.
 My baby sister, I can't even rate the damage to her. But my brother... He lived his life filled with the same anger I feel now. He never dissociated. He lived a lifetime of anger and behavioral problems. He passed on the abuse to his children and hung himself in a closet. It was her fault.

 It is not enough. If I could I would bring her back to life and force her to suffer eternal torment, unable to escape or deny her guilt for what she had done to us. Locked away all alone in a stuffy room in a tower while I'd be off partying pretending She had never been born.

 She deserves far worse than she got and the tragedy is I can't change it. There's no justice.
    

[GoSlash27]

Rant continued.
 And the system! They were complicit.
 All those petty bureaucrats and caseworkers. They typed out reports but never read them. Had they done so they would quickly realized the kind of selfish manipulative liar they were dealing with, but they were all biased toward her and against anyone who reported what was going on. Rehabilitating and returning custody to her should have been out of the question. She shuld have gone to prison like she deserved.
 I wish she had. A very special kind of prison where she couldn't see out of her cell and had no circulation and would be too scared to make a sound or draw attention to herself. A solid blank door and a window to gaze out of and watch normal people leading normal lives.
 Until she went catatonic and lost her ability to speak and walk. They would rehabilitate her and throw her back in.
 That's what she deserved. It doesn't matter that it's cruel and unusual. It's what she did. It doesn't matter that she wouldn't understand why she was being abused like that. She did the same thing to toddlers and *we* didn't understand.
 And as far as the "eye for an eye thing", My sister carries the scar on her eye to this day. I want *her* eye in return.
 I'm so furious!!    I can't even enjoy a *joyous* memory these days without bursting into tears.