The ramblings of an abused kid (trigger warnings galore)

[dollyvee]

But instead of doing that, I'm focused on identifying and rectifying specific faults. "These are the specific failures I've identified that were caused by my trauma and the symptoms that led me to them". Again... It's a "me" problem and I'm sorry. It's very possible that I may be the only one talking about my experiences and frustrations on a "systems" level.

Hey Slashy,

Can you say more about this? I'm not going on the defensive here, but trying to explain why I talked about these specific therapies. When you experience things as a baby, or preverbally, your brain does what it needs to do to make sense of what happened at that time. I am also very much a rational thinker, mind over matter kind of person because that's what I had to do to survive ie figure it out. What I've learned, is that intellectualization and figuring it out is a survival strategy. When you are in your head, you're not in your body, which is likely protecting me from the things that I had to experience. So, these therapies for me, are very much about figuring out what is going on systemically with me. It's like using the head to find the body, piece by piece. If you want, have a look at the connection survival strategy in Healing Developmental Trauma, which talks more about intellectualization.

Also, I don't know if you're actively in therapy right now, but one of the things that my therapist tried to hammer into me (probably not the best phrasing) was that it wasn't my fault. There is/was nothing wrong with me. Children will do whatever they need to do in order to keep their attachment to a parent, which means that they will take the responsibility in order to stay close to that caregiver because that is what is going to keep them alive. I have also been learning about the "basic fault," which means that children growing up in certain situations will believe themselves to be inherently flawed at their core and was developed by Michael Balint:

proposes that early childhood, pre-verbal discrepancies between a child's needs and environmental care create a fundamental, lasting structural deficiency in the personality. This "fault" causes intense anxiety, primitive object relationships, and regressive, difficult-to-treat character disorders.

It doesn't mean however, that you were flawed or different, but rather, that's what you had to believe in order to survive if you get me? It's a story that young you had to tell yourself about what was going on. Perhaps the searching through those memories now, is an effort to subconsciously undo that story?

Sending you support,
dolly

[GoSlash27]

Man, I wish my dad was still alive today!  I wish I could talk all of this over and gain some clarity. To share these memories from such early ages and maybe gain his perspective.
In all my years, I never knew him to be abusive. I spent periods with him and various step families, but I never felt like I fit in there.
But he died and nobody even told me until after his funeral. It wouldn't have made much difference anyway, I didn't know I had cPTSD back then, so I wasn't thinking about these topics. Wouldn't even have occurred to me to talk about that period in my life.

All those missed opportunities! I have nobody left to gain clarity. Everyone who knew any more than I remember is dead. I don't even have a photo album!   

[GoSlash27]

Dolly,
"Can you say more about this?"
 Sure. What I mean to say is that I'm talking about my experience from a very "nuts and bolts" perspective while others are talking on other levels. I've decided that all the other problems stem from the lost/ confused memories. If I can just stitch my memories back together into some semblance of order, all the other problems will fix themselves.
 " basic fault, which means that children growing up in certain situations will believe themselves to be inherently flawed at their core  *snip* It doesn't mean however, that you were flawed or different, but rather, that's what you had to believe in order to survive if you get me?"
 Of course, but this doesn't fit me. If anything, it demonstrates the opposite. All of 5 of us kids were impacted and I'm one of the only two ho survived it intact. I don't blame myself for any of it. I was just a kid and it's all the fault of the grownups, my mother specifically. Even the blame for all the other bad actors comes back to her because she should never have allowed them to be around her kids. It's not my fault, it's HER fault. She was an unfit mother, no doubt about it. But she's dead and I'm the one left to clean up the mess.
 "Perhaps the searching through those memories now, is an effort to subconsciously undo that story?"
 No. It's an effort to restore my fractured self identity and repair the damage. Or at least cobble myself back to some fashion of working order. If I can work out my history, then I can understand who I am. If I can do that, then I won't have most of the other issues or at least can tackle them head- on.
 It all starts with my history though. So I focus relentlessly on establishing that.
 In addition, there's my baby sister to consider. She's seeking the same clarity that I am. Being younger and deaf, she has even less clarity than I do. She relies on me to help her fill her gaps. There's nobody else left.
 So even if I didn't feel the compulsion to do this for my own sake, I'd still feel driven to do it for hers.

Best,
-Slashy

[GoSlash27]

 And yes, I do have a therapist although I wouldn't call it "active in therapy". Thank God I have her, because she does DBR and a lot of people who really need it have no access.
 But I almost exclusively use her for DBR therapy rather than guidance. I don't feel like I need to see her because I'm sure I already know how that conversation would go. "Doc, it hurts when I do this". "Then stop doing that".
 And I would stop or at least give it a rest for a while, but I can't.
 There's no off switch.

[dollyvee]

Of course, but this doesn't fit me. If anything, it demonstrates the opposite. All of 5 of us kids were impacted and I'm one of the only two ho survived it intact. I don't blame myself for any of it. I was just a kid and it's all the fault of the grownups, my mother specifically. Even the blame for all the other bad actors comes back to her because she should never have allowed them to be around her kids. It's not my fault, it's HER fault. She was an unfit mother, no doubt about it. But she's dead and I'm the one left to clean up the mess.

Hey Slashy, to me basic fault is more nuanced than that. I think that I can recognize that my m was at fault for providing less than adequate care etc and the things she did as her fault. However, how basic fault shows up is more through interpersonal relationships (ie attachment style) and my relationship to myself (ie what I actually believe about myself). So, in relationships if something happens, do I immeadiately default to, I am unlovable or bad? If something happens does it become a problem that I have to fix, or I am unloveable (and not that the other person is being selfish etc)? Can I show up in a conversation where I talk about my needs, and actually have needs because I learned that having needs is bad ie therefore I am bad when I have them? I have also "made out ok" despite the odds, but these are also still big issues of my self at my core.

I wonder what would happen if setting yourself this impossible task, which doctors have said should be impossible (if I understand that correctly), and having others depend on you (despite being an adult herself), that if the "missing piece" doesn't arrive, or fix things in the way you are expecting, how that would show up for you? Would it be turned on yourself for not being able to do those things? I think others on here who have experienced repressed memories have had a foundational base for those memories to come up so that they were ready to process them. In Dissociation and IFS, Joanne Twombly talks about the structuring that is needed before one starts to dig into the dissociation. For example, there might be really good reasons why your body/mind has dissociated these things in the first place and that there is some part that needs to be grounded in safety. Though, if you're working with a therapist, she may have started on this to proceed with the DBR.

I don't feel like I need to see her because I'm sure I already know how that conversation would go. "Doc, it hurts when I do this". "Then stop doing that".

Well, as I've learned there's only one way to know what someone else is thinking and that is by asking. I think she might surprise you with her answer, or at least provide you with information (I hope) to better qualify what decision you want to make in the future. That being said, I have recently left a therapist because they were very "certain" about how things "should" go in therapy, and although we did a lot of good work together, it wasn't the direction I felt I needed to go in. (I wanted to explore feeling more regulated in the moment, and when I suggested that, she said that you can't "be" in therapy week after week. Anyways...)

Sending you support. This is all really difficult stuff that you're willing to look at.

[GoSlash27]

Dollyvee,
 The "stitching a timeline together" isn't the part that they deem impossible. That's just clues, forensic investigation, and time.
 The "impossible" bit is that I have this many memory fragments from such an early age to work with. I should not be able to remember all of this.
 It was really upsetting me to consider the notion that my early memories might not be real, but I've corroborated too many of them.
 Now that I better understand the mechanism and see that other sufferers of dissociative amnesia have reported a similar experience, I feel better about the whole thing.
 I have changed my mind about visiting my T. I have a lot of stuff to talk over and it would be helpful.
 In the meantime, I'm trying very hard to *not* think about this. I need some time for my anxiety to ramp down.

 Thanks for your kind words,
-John

[HannahOne]

Slashy, I've been reading along. I don't know if this is helpful or not to hear, that I too have very early memories that I "shouldn't" have. These were not reported to me by anyone, I just have specific images in my mind that come with a felt sense of the experience that I can recall. About ten of these memories from the ages of about 1.5-3. Only one of them is of a moment right before a traumatic incident, the rest just a moment in time. At one point I sought validation for these and through interviewing family members and finding some old photos of my environment at those ages, many aspects of these memories were clearly accurate to the setting. I continued to gather doctor's records, state/school records and other things for later on in my life and overall the process was incredibly helpful to me in forming a more solid sense of self, and of self-trust.

So, I believe you. If you feel it important, then I hope you keep going.

[NarcKiddo]

https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=10108.0;topicseen

I've added a few comments to this thread on how trauma affects memory