(Lack of) Forgiveness

[GoSlash27]

 I'm so glad I'm not alone on this one. If my healing depended on forgiving my mother for all the terrible things that she did, then I'd have to accept the reality that I will just never be healed.
 
 What she did was simply unforgivable.
 
She's dead and gone. I do not miss her. I didn't attend her funeral.

 My sister did, and she got the ashes. As soon as she got home, she chucked them in the trash and said "She can go haunt a landfill". I applauded her for it. 

-Slashy

[Kizzie]

Nope no reason to forgive IMO.  I feel like I would be doing younger me a complete bad if I did somehow.  I do understand that my parents went through a lot of trauma of their own but that does not mean they get to pass it on. At the very least each of us has to do our best to break the cycle.

[NarcKiddo]

Note to self - avoid landfills. 

I agree there is no reason to forgive if you don't want to, or can't. I think that finding a way to deal with the feelings that surround these people so that the feelings stop being corrosive to us is a good thing. But that need not involve forgiveness as far as I am concerned.

I felt very encouraged once, when I was talking to a guy who had done a program which suggested he should forgive his abusers. He thought he had, and then later he realised they did not deserve forgiveness and he did not actually forgive them. So in his mind he un-forgave them all. I really loved that he un-forgave them.

[woodsgnome]

I was in the same quandary. For years, I read and heard umpteen self-help lectures about the so-called dire need for the grand glorified act called forgiveness.

I finally found lots of useful counter views (including from my current T) and knew my heart's rawness was drawn to something else -- forgiveness for myself seemed more useful for my healing journey! For all the years I absorbed so much guilt thinking I must somehow have been at fault.

I guess it 'sounds' great to always forgive others, but as Kizzie mentioned, even if there's some precedent for the abysmal behaviour of others, passing it on kind of defeats the whole notion of living humanely. That some still choose to live dishonourably doesn't seem fitting to lead to forgiveness by the victims. And no, that's not 'woundology' as one noted self-help author has called it (makes for a great blame-the-victim sermon on her part).

I've found ways to accept (it's called history) but never condone what happened. This doesn't require any grand action to forget or tolerate any of it. Un-burdening myself of the whole guilt business is actually harder than falling in line at the you-must-forgive booth.

Better stop before I get carried away -- I'm just grateful I've landed -- safely -- with others here who dare to question the cultural norm proclaimin 'you must forgive'. Huh? 

[Little2Nothing]

For me forgiveness didn't condone or negate the past it only freed me from my anger at, and my fear of the perpetrator.

What my tormentors did to me can never be erased and will always be with me. 

When my step-dad apologized to me I had two choices. I could have rejected him completely and continued to harm myself with anger, or accept his apology and set myself free from continuing self destruction,.

My anger didn't affect him, he could have cared less and would have never lost sleep over it. But, my anger towards him was toxic to me. It kept me stuck. After he apologized I saw him differently. This does not mean that the affliction he put me through were magically gone, nor was the torment of the memories or the adverse affects of it. The memories still haunt me, the acts of brutality and the viciousness of his anger are still painful memories.

My mom, on the other hand, considered herself without guilt. She claimed herself a "righteous woman." Her lack of contrition makes it difficult to have the same feeling for her.

I'm not sure that the term forgiveness actually applies as most view it.  From my perspective the slate wasn't wiped clean. I did not allow him back in my life. Our relationship after was cordial, but never close.

What benefitted me was being able to show him compassion after what I perceived as a sincere apology. At that moment I saw him as a damaged man with his own profound shattered past. I was able to give to him what he could never give to me. And knowing that I was not like he had been was profoundly healing. I learned that I was not like him. That I would never be like him. 

When I offered my forgiveness in essence I set myself free. I could remember with pain, but not with the vitriolic anger I previously had toward him. The fallout from his actions still affect me to this day. I hate the things he did. I despise the darkness he brought. I lament a tortured youth and the baggage I have to carry. But, I can honestly say, I do not hate the man, nor do I love him. He is just another broken man in a broken world.

[GoSlash27]

L2N,
 Yeah, this resonates with me very strongly. I had to concede that at the end my mom's boyfriend did change and he was no longer violent. He didn't understand why he was like that or why he changed.
 So while I never forgave him for the things he did, I did eventually come to trust and even love him in the end. He just didn't have good control of his impulses and somehow developed it later in life.
 But my mother... She never did change. She was very cruel and calculating about how she abused us. All of it was very intentional. And she's dead now, so it's too late for that now.

 Thanks for your response,
-Slashy