(TW) Mid-Leap and Floating

[Cascade]

Hi Group,
I'm Cascade, which for me means Woman of Flowing Energy.  I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (freeze-type) perpetrated by my father, and a survivor of codependency (fawn-type) with my mother.  I've been bargaining with myself all morning about self-care, because all I really feel like doing is going back to bed after feeding my two cats.  The little one inside me decided that if I wasn't going to shower, it was time to introduce myself to you.  The bargain now is to use a shower later, after more writing and starting to face this, to wash away all these tears and a bit of the pain.

Some facts about me that brought me here today:

• It's Thursday of Week 3 of my most severe emotional flashback ever.  I've been non-functional in the real world, but healing truly begins.
• I experienced sexual abuse from ages 4-12.
• At age 48, I had a visual and physical flashback that prompted instantaneous recall of the sexual abuse -- the worst of it.  I live in the United States and this was on Jan. 5, 2021.
• My father died in 2017.  My mother died a few months ago.  She named me as the executor of her estate.  Funds from selling her house are in the bank.  I've been estranged from both for years.
• When this most recent emotional flashback hit, I emailed my resignation from work.  I'm no longer able to be surrounded by college academia, part of which is doing outreach to K-12 kids.  The blind devotion is more triggering than fulfilling.
• I took the healing leap.  I'm mid-leap right now.  I don't know what happens from here or where I'll land.
• I live independently, in a house I'm renting where I've created safety for myself and with neighbors who look out for each other.
• I've been reading books, these threads, and taking notes this week, starting to face everything.  Therapy after recall -- the full year of 2022, after 2021 was a year of denial and anger -- turned out to be with someone (a supposed trauma expert!) who wouldn't disclose what to expect.  I abandoned it.

Thank you, Group, for your presence, your safety, and your sharing.
   -Cascade

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Cascade.  Three weeks of a really bad EF is awful as many of us here know. It has meant you have reached out here though, that you didn't go back to bed and you will have responses from members who hope to provide you with a feeling of being welcomed and supported. I hope you will share more and allow us to listen and to comfort, that's the whole reason for this community.

Kizzie

[Little2Nothing]

Welcome!

[Papa Coco]

Cascade,

Welcome. I like how you chose your forum name. Cascade. It's positive and strong. I'm glad you found the forum.

[Obsidian]

I really like your name cascade and what it means for you
You have been through so much.. it shows great strength that you are putting work on hold and focusing on your healing journey.