Helping my son

[Marianne]

I want to ask help with my son. Or for him.

The last period I have used more medication, which took some of the paranoia away. And I processed a lot of trauma. And yesterday I prayed, and something changed in my mind.

My foo was a bit difficult. There was csa by an uncle, which wrecked everything. And both my parents had trauma, and then I as well, which didn't always make us respond in the best ways.

My dad is secretive. But if I'm honest, I DO feel he made changes the last months. Even if he didn't admit to it. 

I also did. I started to use meds against paranoia. And I decided to focus on bettering me more, rather than convincing dad to stop behaviour that scared me.

I think I just genuinely forgave my parents yesterday. I should have done that long ago.

BUT.

This also made me see two other things more clearly.

How horribly hurtful I myself have been to everyone. Because of all my fear and paranoia and unforgiveness. I was so unstable. I see my share better. And I really hate myself. I tried so hard. But in all the wrong ways.

I also see more clearly lately how kid has been damaged. By all of us. I really wanted to protect him. But I despaired so much, that I only was a problem. Not a mother. Or not consistently. I never hit or scolded or blamed him even once. But I was not good enough.

I feel horrible towards kid. Guilty. The worst parent. But that's my fair share. What can I do to repair the attachment trauma in him? Or help him with that?

He is 13. Everyone says he is fine. He seems happy, balanced, he does well in school, he has friends. But I don't feel he's genuinely fine.

- If it's on him, he is always at his phone. He doesn't have much interest in anything else anymore.

- I am not sure he's that happy really. I feel he doesnt show us.

- I feel he withdraws into himself as I did. He doesn't show anger or sadness or fear, when that would really be the appropriate emotion. Like when we lost my mum. He doesn't show. Or speak. Or ask help.

I can't really explain. Kid is sensitive and we put him through a lot of trauma and conflict. I can't imagine he was not harmed. Him being literally always kind and calm...or behind his phone...and saying everything is perfect at home...

It's...what I did when things were too much to cope with.

Im scared over my kid. I try put my "horrid parent" thoughts aside. And think what's best for him.

Ideas? 

[Marianne]

Sorry.

I'm in a difficult situation and have a lot of trauma flares at the moment.

There's good sides in my family too. And in me. And my son is a teen...so it's not superstrange he is withdrawing and on his phone a lot.

Im just worried what all our problems have meant for him. And pissed off at self and others. I've begged everyone for help for ages.

Maybe I was catastrophizing a bit.

Still interested: how to shield my son from my dads and my issues?

[Kizzie]

Maybe you could just ask him if he is noticing things about you and your Dad that are hard for him to understand or make him sad and go from there. If you are calm and willing to listen to him that can go a long way with a teenager.  If he doesn't want to talk about it maybe just make sure he knows you care what he feels, that you will listen to him any time he wants to bring something up, that none of it is his fault it is because of trauma (explaining it in a simple way without being overwhelming), that you love him dearly and are open to talking anytime.

[Marianne]

Thank you for your considerate response.

I speak with him openly like that once in a while. He really doesn't want to speak much. He finds the conflict between me and dad most hard...but I don't know how to solve that.

I've told him it's not his fault until he told me "yeaeah, I know that by now". Because I have always been told it was me.

Recently we were both sad. I made a game out of it and he could voice what he wanted (distraction and play rather than talks or distance).

Maybe we should just try have good times. We've been out for dinner, we're going to a climbing place this weekend, I held his hand at the doctors. There's loving things too. I just wished a better childhood for him.

[NarcKiddo]

I don't have children so I can't really advise. But I did want to suggest that at his current age you probably will not get much from him in terms of how he is feeling or what he wants. He probably does not really know, or cannot articulate it. My grandsons are very well-cared for tweens right now, from emotionally caring and stable families. They are generally disinclined to share all that much with their mothers. So asking him frequently may just feel intrusive or awkward. That's not to say you should not ask him at all, and if something tough happens to him (maybe a friend is unkind to him or he gets a grade less than he hoped) then that is an obvious time to ask how he feels about that. If he spontaneously shows emotion of any kind is another time to explore how he is feeling. Sharing with him in an age-appropriate way when you are sad or angry about something (NOT anything to do with his father) or need space, and how you are dealing with that, is an emotionally open way to be that might be helpful to him. If he experiences an emotionally open and supportive environment through his teens he will be more likely (I suppose) to be open to discussion when he reaches adulthood and you may be able to reach a very healthy understanding at that stage. Right now he is the child and you are the parent. Even if you think he has been harmed, suggesting to him he may have been if he does not feel harmed, might not be helpful right now.

[Marianne]

Thanks for your advice! I hear what you say, and agree!