Recovery journal Marianne

[Marianne]

OK. I don't exactly feel like recovering. And I'm kind of losing hope. A longer post in the frustration category explains the story. But here I want to report what I'm doing to recover. And how that turns out.

Today...

1. I had a talk with a colleague in my volunteering job, who studies social work. He interviewed me on my social network and goals for that. It was very confronting. But he asked some good questions. And might come with good advice in a while.

2. I called my dad and tried to find an opening to be more accepting of each others story. And more positive to each other. It didn't work out as I wanted. But I tried. And at least dad is open to speaking with a psychologist together. 

3. When I was despairing, and prayed...suddenly a big wind blew through the window...and blew a postcard on the ground in front of me. Someone wrote it a long time ago. Saying God is there, over the heightest mountains and through the deepest waters...and offers light and hope. Maybe it's strange and stupid...but I was kind of seeing it as God giving me a little ray of light to hold on to. And pass on to others. Is that strange?

4. I'm cleaning up my house. The living room and kitchen is a more positive place to be now. For me and my son both.


My goal for the rest of the day is to relax. Go to the sauna. Read. Listen to music. Clean up a bit more.

 

[Marianne]

I hate relying on substances, but I took saffron (antidepressant) and oil of oregano (anti anxiety) today. It helps.

I felt stupid. I called my dad because I was despairing. It doesn't help, it brings us both down. And he will and does use it against me.

I have to learn to not call my dad when I'm in a flashback. Whether angry, sad or anxious.

I need to respond to cps. They talk *. E.g. my relationship with my ex - he was sexually and emotionally violent and threatened my newborn - was described as "having a bit of friction". I'll do it with my help.

I think God wants me to stay still and let Him fight. But I find it hard to not fight back.

My son will also be here today.

[Armee]

Hi Marianne,

I hope you have a nice visit with your son. I can't believe how bittersweet it must feel. I hope you can respond to cps and correct the things needing correcting. I don't think your interpretation of the postcard is strange. I hope that ray of hope really helps. 

[Marianne]

I had a set back.

I was tested dairy intolerant. Whenever I eat dairy, I'm severely depressed. I realised this again yesterday. It was clear. I changed from content to depressed right after eating cheese. It's always the same. Gluten and eggs might be a problem too.

I have to stick to a healthy elimination diet.

I also realised my family will never stop using me as a scapegoat. I have to stop longing for a family who loves me for who I am...and build up my own life with my son.

And stay kind. No matter what. That doesn't mean I can't have boundaries. But if I lash out in return, I'm only making things worse.

It's been long enough. They won't change. I will.

[Marianne]

I spoke with someone.

We spoke about the importance of forgiveness. About aiming to build my own life, independent of family. And about being grateful for the positive things in my family, that are there, despite the problems.

[Little2Nothing]

Forgiveness is powerful, if it can be granted, because it frees us from the servitude of anger and resentment. It doesn't change the past or make right the wrongs that were done. It simply sets us free especially when we are forgiving ourselves.

I wanted to add that forgiveness does not mean we have to embrace our abuser. I believe that we must be extremely cautious of inviting these people back into our lives. For me forgiveness means letting go. When my stepfather asked my forgiveness, I believe he was truly sincere, I granted it, but did not change how I interacted with him. I was not going to put myself, or my wife and children, in the danger. Our relationship was more cordial after that, but never close and certainly not unguarded.

[Marianne]

Thanks. I read a part of your journal. I admire your strength to both forgive them and guard yourself and loved ones.

I think that's what I always did wrong. I quickly forgave. Without genuinely seeing what was wrong. Then completely let my guard down. And the problem continued.

Now I find it real tough to forgive my parents again. 

My childhood wasn't by far as abusive as yours. But not safe either. And my child lives with my dad because of my ptsd. I cannot control this situation. And cannot keep a friendly distance between him and self/kid.

This makes recovery and forgiveness complicated for me.

[Marianne]

On a positive note: I did recovery stuff today.

I worked. I felt horrid. But I managed to work. Still. And care for others.

I spoke to my jobcoach.

I ate regular meals. I had only two coffees.

I walked in the sun.

[Papa Coco]

It's said that not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and hoping they die.

When I forgive someone it doesn't change their lives at all. It changes my life. Forgiving my FOO is a gift I gave to myself. Little2Nothing said that it means letting go. That's how I see it too.

My abusers don't need ME to forgive them. Any forgiveness they need is between them and their god. I'm working with my own god to work out my own forgiveness. I need to forgive them so that I can start sleeping better at night and digesting food better. I need to forgive them so that I can move on. If I can forgive them within my own heart, it's my own heart that is set free. Or, as L2N says, I can finally let go of them, then I can move on.

Narcissists don't want forgiveness because they don't believe they've done anything wrong. They just laugh condescendingly if we tell them we forgive them.

Another thing I've learned is that I can't force forgiveness. What works for me, is working myself out of their lives, so that I simply forgive them organically by getting past what they are to me.

I sometimes call them alligators. I'm terrified of alligators, but I don't hate them. I just don't swim in their swamps with them. That's how I am with my FOO now. I don't hate them anymore, but I don't go anywhere near them anymore either. I know they'll bite if I get close. I don't have to hate them to stay away from them.

[Marianne]

Thanks. That was insightful.

I think in my family, we all did wrong.

Me as well. I begged for forgiveness a billion times. And work hard on myself. But still feel guilty.

But there indeed...I don't think they see they too do wrong.

If I dare suggest my childhood had difficulties (say, csa)...they scream that it was bliss and there was no problem at all ever.

They then scream that they were unconditionally loving and helpful always.

And then scream I am evil for half an hour. And conclude that if I don't see how loving they are, I'm crazy.

There will be no sorry. I still want to forgive.

The difficulty is: it doesn't stop. I'd love to take my kid away from them and leave. And send a supersweet Christmas card every year. But I cannot. Legally I cannot.

I'm torn between wanting to scream at them that I want my child back. And wanting to beg them to please love me and my kid and cooperate.

Not sure.
 

 

[Papa Coco]

Marianne,

You brought up a really good point about how they don't see that they too do wrong. There's a fun little Ted Talks video called Don't Regret Regret, that takes only 16 minutes to watch. I watch this every now and then to remind me that the fact that I am trying to forgive family and myself, proves I'm a good person. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ka8L1YMR88U

My heart is with yours. I know that forgiveness is a difficult thing to do. I talk about what forgiveness I've been able to give, but I also admit that I still have a long way to go.

I have a serious problem with the act of forgiving myself also. I often find myself apologizing in agony during the day each time I remember something I said or did in the past.

Last week, my Therapist and I discussed this. What he said was not the total solution, but it was an answer that moved me forward a step or two. (I still have a way to go). He reminded me that punishing myself, and not forgiving myself, does not serve anyone, including myself. He said, "It's one thing to live with the things you've done, but it's pointless to actively punish yourself again and again, over and over, for those things." He reminds me that nobody is served by punishing ourselves. Not us, not our God, and not other people.

Forgiveness is far, far, far easier said than done. I find that I have forgiven my family completely. Then something happens and I remember what they did to me, and my forgiveness seems to void itself. I get angry again. I confess hatred for them again. But as I'm working through this, little by little, my episodes of feeling like I've accomplished forgiveness grow longer while my episodes of vengeful anger at them shrink to shorter and less often.

[Marianne]

Thanks.

I find both forgiveness and feeling forgiven harder than I thought (when I dissociated a lot it was easier...I just forgot . Maybe I'm scared people will abuse it again.

I love how you describe the up and down of forgiveness. I thought that was me. I'm like "oh yeah I've forgiven that". And then bam. Something bad happens. And all the anger...and selfdirected anger...flare up.

In flare ups I switch between "People treated me horribly" and "I'm such a horrible person".

[Marianne]

I had a day of stress. I needed to write to cps. Their report was full of utter *. I also made a well-intended decision my dad was angry about. I calmly stood my ground.

My lawyer helped me brilliantly. She managed to skip everything negative towards my dad. And hit a positive tone. As I asked.

I visited loving friends.

And God shows me the text "be still" every time this week. Be still, in his presence, wait for him to act. It helps me tremendously in the circumstances.

I'm praying for my son and my dad. I hurt them. I wish them well. And hope dad lets go of the cement wall he built between us. I try to be calm and kind, but with boundaries.

[Marianne]

I also spoke with my psychotherapist. She seems good. She may also do systems therapy, or her colleague will.

My goals for the week:

- Live my own life well.
- Give my son and friends loving attention.
- Leave my dad alone. If he doesn't like me, I can't force him.
- Be still and wait for God. Don't fight.
- Speak about positive things. Don't speak negative things all week.

[Hope67]

Hi Marianne,
I just wanted to wish you the best for your goals for the week. 
Hope