What is dissociation like for you?

[storyworld]

Hello, all, I'm noticing, when I try to talk to my therapist about something that feels emotionally intense, in the middle of our conversation, my mind goes blank. Like, there's nothing there. No thoughts at all. And this also happened when we tried having me visualize a particularly traumatic experience during something similar to EMDR. Is this something any of you have experienced, and if so, have you found a way to prevent this?

[NarcKiddo]

Mine is similar and I only recently realised how often I dissociate. I do not go into a fully non-functioning state, nor do I feel out of my body. I just try to take myself mentally away. It is a bit like being under light sedation, I guess, which I underwent for the first time last week. For instance if I am having a medical procedure I will take a while to realise if a medic is speaking to me. And then I have to make a conscious effort to "return" enough to communicate with them while remaining far enough away that I can easily dissociate again when the procedure continues.

At my most recent dental appointment I realised I was dissociating when the dentist tried to communicate with me to ask if I was OK. He was looking a bit concerned because I was not responding. I usually think it is safe to dissociate at the dentist since you can't speak with all their stuff in your mouth. But I think he must have realised I had gone somewhere, as it were, and was concerned. After that I made an active effort to remain present for the rest of the procedure as it did not hurt, I was not scared, and any drilling was over. I did so by really looking closely at everything I could see and commenting on it to myself in my mind. Oh, the ceiling has a small crack in it. Oh, the light has 4 bulbs. Oh, I can smell the mouth wash. Oh, I can feel the leather chair beneath my back. Just typical mindfulness things, really, and it did keep me present.

I have also realised I try to dissociate when I drive. Cars are very difficult places for me to be but clearly as a driver it is not safe to dissociate. So I actually talk out loud to myself and comment on all of the other road users and what they might or might not be about to do. Hence why I do my utter utmost to avoid driving and even more to avoid carrying a passenger who might prevent me from my monologue.

[storyworld]

Thanks, NarcKiddo. Thanks for sharing the things that work to help you stay present. I can see how intentionally noticing details could be helpful. I have gotten much better in my ability to talk about hard stuff, but I can see how I still need to grow in this area. It's interesting to me how I don't always realize how hard something is to talk about until I try.

[woodsgnome]

For sure, dissociation is, was, and might still affect me. While highly irritating and even a tad angry in its aftermatch, I started to turn around on that attitude once when, apologizing to my T for "xonking" out, she reassured me that this happens frequently with trauma survivors, and the the best part of my dissociation that day was simply that I noticed. That reassurance was highly supportive, as I was in the habit of piling fault on fault with regard to what I consider my inadequacies in handling all the nastiness that involuntarily invades whatever I'm doing.

But triggers and flashbacks being what they are, it happened again and still can haunt me. But I go back to what she told me -- "this is alright, you're okay; more than okay."

I've noticed this can happen so many times -- even while reading, when I get to the hard stuff (or material reminiscent of same, sometimes far-fetched, I can find myself in the "zone". The worst, of course, is when it interferes with people interactions. There it's harder to explain, but I've noticed I can sense when it might happen and somewhat when it does.

I wish you well, but first things first -- it's normal, you're ok, and you have noticed its presence, and perhaps understood it isn't the end of the world, that many of us experience the same jolt to our equilibrium.

[Kizzie]

I have to agree with NK and WG, just noticing you're doing it is a great place to start. Once I realized when and why I was dissociating I would ask myself if it was OK to "come back".  In many instances, like the dentist, it was fine and I learned I could tolerate things as an adult that I couldn't as a kid. Like most things letting go of dissociating a bit at a time means what you want to get away from is not quite so overwhelming.  A T I saw referred to is as dipping your toe in then taking it out if the water was too hot.