'Should' sleep; Can't; Scared

[woodsgnome]

It's nearing my bedtime (which can vary quite a bit) and I feel the scare settling in with me. This nightly habit is, I fear, only the start of another horrible night.

Let's start with a 'should' or two. I should do better with this; for several years, given my deep therapy (from bibliotherapy -- reading: to in-person talk therapy with a wonderful therapist, I've felt a vast overall improvement building in my attitudes regarding the awful afterlife of Cptsd.

Should do better at night, too.

Then it happens    -- if I even get to sleep (the thoughts seem to flow in no matter what I try). If I somehow am able to drift off, the 'should not' story dominates the 'should' almost every night.

I 'should not' wake up screaming (at least I live alone in a remote area) that "I'm no good, can't have nice things, am a pariah to others, blah blah"   notions from the f, reinforced by many others in my youth (and beyond). And then some more; it just piles on  .


By the time I try to recover my mantra: PEACE/LOVE it's so late the hope for restful sleep has passed. Sometimes a tylenol med will settle me, sometimes not. And no, I don't want to experiment with drugs beyond that (I prefer drug-free as much as possible -- maybe you know, the sense of 'doing' it on my own.

Which still leaves me unsettled, fearful while trying not to despair. Maybe even writing this (I've done it beore and deleted it in lieu of not wanting to sound absurdly pathetic).

Okay, I guess that qualifies this as more of a rant than anything of much substance ("your'e no good" echoes as I write this). With tears I hope via this little bit to have started the process of driving these old voices out of my being, and finding out what a full sleep might be like.

Thanks for grinding through this mass of words. It may even sound too familiar to you. If so, perhaps collectively we'll know that better days are ahead. Please?

[SteveM]

I'm with you.

I'm up and awake and it's still many hours before my normal wake up. I randomly will get a stretch of 6 hours straight sleep, I had that happen a couple nights ago and it's wonderful to wake refreshed and present, this happens 3-4 times a year, so not often.

I am awake now because of flashback nightmares and body memories, I hate it, I really do.
No silver bullet here just identifying with you.
Here's to better sleep!

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry. If I wake in a state it is usually my inner child who is upset/scared. Trying actively to comfort her sometimes helps. I have some soft toys on my bed to cuddle - that sometimes helps too.

Wishing you well.

[Kizzie]

I know you said no to a med but if you've become afraid of not being able to sleep (anticipatory fear), perhaps you can break the cycle by trying something for a short period? 

[Armee]

I'm so sorry. Terror and not sleeping and negative internal messages are all so so awful. I'm also a no-meds person for myself but also Kizzie does have a point...the way ibuprofen can break the cycle of inflammation perhaps something could help break the cycle so you can do it alone. But, I don't practice what I am preaching here.

Just commiserating. No sleep sucks. It makes everything worse. It's not a perfect solution but I found that when I was waking in the middle of the night it helped me to get a longer stretch of sleep if I stayed up really really late. It's not ideal but it bought me sometimes a couple extra hours of sleep...5 instead of 3. If I'd go to bed at 11pm I'd wake up at 1am and stay awake for several hours and then fall asleep just before it was time to wakeup. Which sucked. But if I stayed up till 130am I could sleep till 6am and getting up for the day wasn't as awful as if I had just fallen back asleep at 5am. 5.5hrs of sleep vs 3hrs. Both suck but one is better than the other.

I seem to have stumbled on some magic threshold of healing that defused my sleep issues, so I do know there is some level of hope that it can get better in time.

I ask gently and without "needing" an answer...in therapy are you working on processing memories (Somatic, emdr, ifs, or anything of that nature)? I feel like that is probably what helped me start sleeping, was the processing part of therapy...like helping the memories get re-filed so they weren't causing so much day-to-day problems. Of course knowing cptsd I'll probably get walloped with sleep issues and have to eat my words. 

Anywho I am so sorry that sleep has been so bad. Sending some support for tonight. 

[Phoebes]

I can identify with this, woodsgnome. I'm sorry you're struggling with this. Insomnia is so so frustrating. I have had the really bad flashback dreams (more in the past), and that feeling of dread when bedtime comes. I would fall asleep relatively easily, but then wake up at 2 or 3 and never go back to sleep. Still do sometimes.

I have had a little relief though from a couple of things, if it's of any help. The doctor prescribed meds are not for me either. Too strong and yuck feeling. It's not completely solved it for me, but I started taking a very small amount of hemp oil(delta 8 thc) and 5 mg of melatonin. This all helped me get larger chunks of sleep. Now I only take the melatonin and it's going pretty well.

I'm supporting you whatever you do and know it's not a simple fix, but I know it can and will get better for you, woods. 

[woodsgnome]

Thanks to all who chimed in on this. I know I'm not alone with this wicked, repetitive symptom.

I've considered and used a number of drugs and other preparations designed as sleep aids and found I have to watch out. Melatonin, for instance, also can be a damper on lung function, as I found out once and don't want to risk again. A huge complication is asthma, which is mild and generally well controlled, unless I ingest super-relaxers like melatonin.

I'm suspicious of drugs in general, mostly due to a history of mis-prescribed items (med people love to throw prescriptions without bothering about side effects. For years, my asthma was said to be controlled by steroidal drugs which probably contributed over years to my glaucoma of a few years back now, but until the steroirs were cut out I didn't realize they were contributing to the eye condition which can lead to blindness.

While I found relief via a very competent eye physician who probably saved my vision via 2 glaucoma surgeries, it reminded me of how side effects in so many areas are ignored by many medical professionals. Then there's the pluses to that notion -- I've known a couple of people who died likely due to the misprescription of deppression aids (some of which also contribute to the sight probs -- I know that from direct experiences of my own). Throw in a botched leg surgery which has never healed right and I remain super-cautious per drugs; albeit I use one asthma med that helps without the steroidal probs certain treatments cause or exacerbate.

Sum it all up and I'm extremely wary of going the med, or even the 'natural', route per ingested items.

Meanwhile, I'm stuck with the 'haunting' old voices which actally are less bothersome than they used to be (thanks in part to some work with my T on this), BUT the fact they still float into mind so often I find scary and, as per so many cPTSD remnants, extremely disappointed to find them still flaring up; even or especially as overall I sense a vast overall improvement in my general cPTSD discoveries (I call my process this, finding more hope in discovery than I do with recovery, which is past-oriented, where so many symptoms originated and still originate from.

Anyway, it got to the point recently that I felt so desperate on the night I sent in that post. Meanwhile, by continuing to process those new discoveries I touched on my wish remains to at least turn the tide somewhat and feel more equilibrium vs. the desperate dysfunction of those sleepless nights.

Thanks for being here, listening, and sharing your own wisdom nuggets with me.

[woodsgnome]

 

Wouldn't ya know, as soon as I dropped off what I wrote above, a very healing book I own literally popped off my bookshelf (okay, literally off my massive Kindle feed  ).

I recall it as being one of my favourite discoveries along the lines of finding the encouragement I crave when the darkness descends (not just sleep deprivation).

Okay, the writer is Ellen Compton; the book title GOOD THINGS HAPPEN IN THE DARK: A Candid Manifesto for Courageous Authenticity.

Reading it again reminds me of what I mean when I say I prefer the word 'discovery' to 'recovery'.
 

[Blueberry]

Yay for books popping off the shelf just as you need them

[Kizzie]

That's super WG    I hope it gives you some peaceful sleeps