I'm deeply confused

[Noha Tarek]

I've known that I have CPTSD for two years. but I can't get out of flashbacks for a very looooong time. why things are so painful

I had a fight with my sister she told me that she reacted this way because my voice tone is angry and I get nervous, edgy and defensive very easily even in small disagreements about general topic and even if she does the same sometimes it's my fault I shouldn't continue arguing with an angry person.

This is a repeated problem with my family, from a very young age they can get angry but I can't. They cay that I'm always edgy but they are always screaming but if I'm the youngest I can't do the same.

why passive manipulative passive aggressive people are more loved? I feel that the whole world reject me.

No words can't describe how I feel and describe past million fights. And my sister who I trust who always told me why do you get into discussions with them?

Back to our maim problem: When she told me my reaction to any minor disagreement is defensive, I'm thinking maybe that's why I had missunderstanings with some people in the past two years and it's my fault I ask questions in a nervous or defensive tones or I seemed too controlling because of my nervous voice or attitude. if I'm a lovely girl with a soft voice maybe people would've loved me more like even my first session with a therapist she told me with an impatient voice some people try to be perfect which broke my heart as if my problems are not big enough.

I'm deeply heart broken and I feel that I deserved the bad treatment from some certain people in the past two years. I feel no one understands me, I feel I'm an empathy beggar

[Bermuda]

Hi Noha Tarek,

I had a disagreement just like you describe yesterday. I don't know how it is for you, but that type of disagreement I only have with the people close to me. They know how to wiggle you off topic. It's okay to be angry. It's also okay to be hostile. It's okay to be defensive. It's okay to be PERSISTENT.

Passively aggressive manipulative people are not more loved, they simply reject your feelings about the situation in favour of their own beliefs, and it's because THEY are too sensitive. They can't handle being wrong, whereas you come out doubting your feelings and try to correct your emotions. The person telling you to control your feelings, when you are defending yourself, is doing it to protect their own ego. If you are not screaming, not physically fighting, name calling or things like that, it's okay to stand your ground.

Also, perfectionism is unfortunately a very common part of cPTSD. Your therapist should be more sensitive.

Sorry if I was too assertive. It's a sensitive topic. I spent too much of my life being quiet.

[NarcKiddo]

This feels familiar to me in many ways. I know I get defensive quickly and sometimes it is very obvious. My FOO, with whom I was never allowed to get actually angry, will sometimes say "don't get angry but...". Even though they have never seen my real anger (I am not even sure I have!) they clearly sense my defensive shutters slamming down and read that as anger. I feel that if I do not slam down my defences at the slightest hint of danger I will simply be bulldozed. Where my FOO is concerned I am very probably right.

Bermuda is correct that perfectionism is a very common part of CPTSD. I am sorry that your therapist came across as impatient when commenting on this. She may not have meant to but I agree with Bermuda that therapists dealing with the likes of us would do well to be very careful in how they treat us until we feel we can trust them.

I think it is perfectly OK to ask questions in whatever manner you need to, so long as you are not actively attacking or being mean to somebody who does not deserve it. Safe people would normally recognise your discomfort and try to reassure you.

Finally - I applaud you for having the courage to ask questions at all. I was brought up not to question anything, especially FOO, and now I try to go through my life asking as little as possible.

[Noha Tarek]

Thanks a lot  Bermuda  for your kind replay.

Thanks a lot  NarcKiddo for your thoughtful reply.