Death by a Thousand Cuts

[Kizzie]

One of the things survivors and even professionals may not understand about emotional abuse in relational trauma is that it does not necessarily have to involve horrific, negative abuse, but can often be more covert or as I like to say mine was, death by a thousand cuts. There's a good article here I found today that explains why this is so, how those of us who cannot describe our abuse as horrific and in some cases as abuse itself end up with Complex PTSD.
https://www.complextrauma.org/complex-trauma/death-by-a-thousand-cuts/

It's why the current definition of Complex PTSD in the WHO ICD-11 needs to be edited (IMO) to capture this more subtle emotional abuse. With my NM it was being made invisible by her constant need for praise and attention, but also that nasty part of her that would rise up when she suffered an N injury, when she became critical, angry and just plain mean.

[Phoebes]

This is really helpful, Kizzie, thank you. It's getting closer to the heart of the matter. Sometimes I feel like a lot of what I read says some form of "emotional abuse can be just as bad or worse than other forms" but don't go into detail. WE know this, but this article is showing that the field is increasing in understanding.

I find it hard to find anything about how to heal the combination emotional abuse + physical abuse/rage-filled narcissistic abuse. When I read the article that I relate to so strongly here, I can't help but relate a lot of it in combination with physical attacks as well. I can't separate it, and I get stuck and overwhelmed often.

[Kizzie]

Just my thoughts here but I can imagine that it's pretty much impossible to separate emotional and physical abuse entirely Phoebes. They are both about attacking your self, physically and psychologically and come down to the same thing IMO; it's all abuse that says you are worthless, deserving of being treated badly, unlovable, etc.

Just my opinion here but I think the articles that are finding emotional abuse/neglect to be worse overall than physical or sexual abuse iterate something that few took seriously or believed in the past. That is, ongoing emotional abuse is a direct attack on the psychological self, designed to demean, denigrate, control, manipulate and gaslight children and adults. The intent is to batter or crush the soul. Physical and sexual abuse are attacks on the physical self to fulfill power and control needs of the perpetrator. Of course they do bring about emotional distress but the difference lies in the fact that the abuse is not a direct attack on the person's sense of self.

It's the same but different in subtle ways or at least that my take away from articles like "Unseen Wounds: The Contribution of Psychological Maltreatment to Child and Adolescent Mental Health and Risk Outcomes" (https://www.complextrauma.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/Pathways-1-Joseph-Spinazzola.pdf). 

In Unseen Wounds, Dr. Joseph Spinazzola and his colleagues compared the effects of physical abuse, sexual abuse, and psychological maltreatment on psychiatric disorders and risk behaviors in over 5,000 treatment-seeking children and adolescents across the United States. This landmark study found that youth with histories of psychological maltreatment had equal or greater frequency and severity of symptoms and difficulties compared to those with histories of physical and or sexual abuse across all 30 outcomes measured. In particular, youth exposed to chronic psychological maltreatment exhibited equal severity of [Complex]PTSD symptoms with greater depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and attachment difficulties than observed in youth with histories of both physical and sexual abuse.
 

[Phoebes]

Well said, Kizzy. I'm so glad these things are becoming more understood. Thanks for the subsequent article. I'm going to read that as well. I know on paper what happened but it seems like all the after effects just keep getting worse. I was hoping to heal and get my life together but I'm really struggling with that right now.

[storyworld]

Thank you for sharing. I've often thought about how it was the lack of love and concern that most impacted me.

[Stussy7]

Thank you Kizzie, it was a very good article!
It validated my feelings that emotional abuse is more damaging than other forms of abuse! If only everyone else would realise this!

[Kizzie]

In re-reading this thread I see that my thinking about emotional abuse has changed slightly. That is, I see emotional wounding in all forms of abuse and in neglect, in fact I think it's the core wound. Both sexual and physical abuse are attacks on the self to a certain degree, meant to demean and exert power over us, while emotional abuse/neglect is a directed and ongoing attack meant to crush us. That said, it remains (IMO) the most powerful form of abuse because it is targeted directly at who we are, even in cases where it is covert (i.e., death [of the soul] by a thousand cuts). It's just that both physical and sexual abuse also target us who we are and have an emotional wounding component.   

Stussy, there's a fair bit more literature out there that acknowledges the powerful impact of emotional abuse and neglect finally. It makes a real difference to those of us who weren't physically or sexually abused to know this and for others to know this as well.

[TheBigBlue]

Gentle TW: childhood emotional trauma + a brief reference to violence (non-graphic).

I've been thinking a lot about the idea of "death by a thousand cuts," and how psychological maltreatment often doesn't look like obvious abuse. I remember telling my therapist: "a child in a war zone experiences trauma, but the world recognizes the trauma. My trauma was invisible." So reading this article hit very close to home for me.

For most of my life I believed that my childhood "wasn't that bad." I focused on the obvious story - my NF scapegoated me, was emotionally absent, and openly treated my sister as the golden child. I thought that was my trauma. (Aside from some unfortunate "big T's" like witnessing a terror attack in 1980.)

But the past month of therapy has shown me that the equal - or even deeper - wound came from the parent I always saw as "the loving one." My mother wasn't abusive in the obvious way; but the article describes my experience with painful accuracy: chronic emotional neglect mixed with enmeshment ("inconsistent caregiving"), parentification, and countless moments of misattunement. There was no co-regulation, no protection from stress, and no space for me to grow a sense of self.

My mother had a lot of unprocessed trauma herself, and much of it was handed down to me - likely even before birth (see this article: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-parents-rsquo-trauma-leaves-biological-traces-in-children/). I understand the roots, but understanding doesn't erase the fact that I was failed by the people who were supposed to protect me.

Those subtle "cuts" created the wounds the article lists: shame, self-erasure, hypervigilance, a lost sense of identity, the belief that I take up too much space, and the feeling of being "too much" and "not enough" at once. It was confusing because my mother also loved/loves me deeply. But as the article explains, the harm isn't from one event - it's from the needs that were never met, and from having to be the emotional adult in the relationship long before I had a stable foundation myself.

I'm grateful this community speaks openly about these quieter, more covert forms of trauma. It's helping me finally understand my own history with clearer language - and helping me let go of the habit of minimizing what happened. It makes me feel a little less alone.