How does the cptsd change a person's character?

[Flitzi]

I have been traumatized since I was a toddler.
What I'm wondering is: How does trauma affect a person's character?
I know that I only trust very few people, which is probably a result of my experiences. What else is there?
I've been interested in this for a long time. Would I be a different person if I hadn't been traumatized?

[woodsgnome]

Hi, Flitzi, you raise some intriguing thoughts about this. This won't be the most thorough answer possible, as one's character can have hundreds of variables, based on lots of disparate events, personalities, etc.

For me, I found myself for years not being able to find anything I liked about the symptoms and habits that grew out of my own bouts with cptsd. That's still there; but I've also noticed a milder attitude settling in about the overall picture too.

While I can never truly feel good about all of what constitutes my tortuous ride with cptsd, I think an apt description for how I view those times involves a 'bittersweet' take on it all.

Yes, it was truly awful, and I'm extremely bitter about it as well. Like you, I find it difficult to fully trust anyone. But I think I'm better at balancing the bitter with some milder takes, too. Growing up surrounded by extremist religious sorts who hid their vile lives behind a screen of sanctity -- yeah, it hurt deeply; AND provided me with a front row seat by which to learn first-hand (not comfortably) about bigotry, hatred, and rank hypocrisy (e.g. we 'love' you as we beat your sinfulness).

The bitter is easy; the sweet comes in learning how they slyly would dump their base view of life on others, and get away with it by calling themselves 'holy'. One advantage for me? Discernment -- I'm not only wary of but find it easier to spot those sorts of people, and not just in religious settings.

Okay, so yes, one's character is gravely affected by much of the cptsd stuff, but if one can catch their breath a wee bit of the sweet just might filter in and turn one's life towards the bittersweet.

[Bermuda]

It's a very difficult question to answer. Yes.

I think I have chatted a bit with others about this before, and we all wonder if there was something about us that was different that led to our traumatisation when others around us became abusers and perpetuators, because we didn't. Instead we have CPTSD.

I can't know for certain what is me and what is CPTSD, so I can't say what wouldn't be. I know that some trauma responses have lessened, and in doing so made it apparent that they are trauma. I know I would be different, even if it was something about me initially. I would have made different decisions and led a completely different life with different experiences. I may have always been flighty and shy, but maybe it would have been expressed as adventurous and thoughtful. I am at a stage now in which I am trying to find that person, to know myself. The reckless abandon, not the recklessly abandoned.

[Bach]

The reckless abandon, not the recklessly abandoned.

 

[Kizzie]

I don't know that you would be a different person entirely, but for sure you would not have the symptoms that cause you to be guarded, mistrust others, be self-critical, over and or under react to stress, and all the other lovely things Complex PTSD gifts us with. Often we do quite know who we are because we've been so focused externally to survive that we have to actually work to get in touch with our inner world. That's where therapy, reading books, joining forums like this one come in. 

I hope you find some support and a sense of belonging here   

[Flitzi]

Thanks for your thoughts. It's interesting to read.
The longer I deal with the topic, the more I notice that sometimes a different, more liberated me shines through. There are days when I dare to speak to strangers for a moment. Most days I avoid contact. I suspect that without trauma I would be braver and more confident around people. For example, going shopping causes me a lot of stress, so I go shopping as rarely as possible.
It will take me a long time to get out of this vicious circle, but I'm fighting and trying.

[Kizzie]

Bravo Flitzi, a little at a time worked for me so hope it's the same for you.

[Flitzi]

Thank you for encouraging me. That feels good.