'good enough'

[j i m]

i remember at some point in Pete Walker's CPTSD from surviving to thriving book that he wrote some people will never be able to trust others and build meaningful relationships, and that has to be ok. i don't know. there for awhile i really thought maybe i could try. i'm starting to think maybe i should just accept where i am and make better peace with it.

i was curious if anyone here has felt they've fallen into this category. how do you make peace with it? what still brings you joy and a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment, enough to keep going and find meaning?

[dollyvee]

Hi Jim,

I'm wondering if you've perhaps misremembered the Pete Walker quote? Sometimes our trauma brains reinterpret information in a way that confirms our worst fears/ideas about things, and isn't necessarily the truth.

What I remember from the book about good enough relationships is that we'll never have the ideal relationship we're expecting/wanting to heal our childhood wounds etc. I think it's along the same lines of a partner can't meet all your emotional needs and you need to find ways to meet them yourself.

It's been ages since I read the book, and went back to have a look. There's a part where he mentions that some people's abuse was so extreme that it is unreasonable to expect them to trust people again, but a good enough relationship can be built through animal/non-human relationships. Maybe this is what you're referring to?

Sending you support,
dolly

[NarcKiddo]

Having what might appear to be unreasonable expectations may not be helpful, especially if such expectations push a person into further trauma or shame. But I think a sense of openness and curiosity can and should remain. There are many stories of people confounding predictions along the lines of "he''ll never walk/talk/xyz again" or "she will only live for 6 months at most". I also think that acceptance and kindness about where you are at is helpful. Acceptance, to my mind, does not mean you accept you will never be different. I think it means you accept yourself for what you are now and celebrate what you have achieved so far. It may mean you decide not to set a specific goal. If you say "OK, I don't trust people and I don't expect I ever shall but I might do one day" then you remain open to the possibility. You can take any opportunities that come your way without fear of failure and you cannot beat yourself up about not making progress towards a particular goal because that goal does not exist as a specific. Just my personal view for what it's worth.

For myself, I am wary of trusting people - even my husband. I've started opening up to people a little more since I started therapy, but only in tiny steps, and choosing situations where if it does not work out too well I know I will not be drastically upset or hurt. So opening up to FOO is out of the question and telling anyone anything very personal is something I consider very carefully. But initiating some idle chit chat with the women in the gym locker room instead of just hurrying to get dressed and leave is OK. It is generally fine, and pleasant, and if by chance someone is having a bad day and does not want to engage then I can deal with that and not take it personally. I actually like casual social interaction. Maybe it will lead to closer bonds in time and maybe it won't.

[Moondance]

Hi Jim,

Do you have any idea where in the book? I would like to go back and read that as I really struggle with trust/relationship of any kind and at all levels even though my mind knows some people are kind, caring, etc.   

No worries if you don't recall - I will have a look.

[j i m]

Hi Jim,

I'm wondering if you've perhaps misremembered the Pete Walker quote? Sometimes our trauma brains reinterpret information in a way that confirms our worst fears/ideas about things, and isn't necessarily the truth.

What I remember from the book about good enough relationships is that we'll never have the ideal relationship we're expecting/wanting to heal our childhood wounds etc. I think it's along the same lines of a partner can't meet all your emotional needs and you need to find ways to meet them yourself.

It's been ages since I read the book, and went back to have a look. There's a part where he mentions that some people's abuse was so extreme that it is unreasonable to expect them to trust people again, but a good enough relationship can be built through animal/non-human relationships. Maybe this is what you're referring to?

Sending you support,
dolly

Thank you. Maybe you're right. I certainly like the way your take reads better. I'd been reflecting on that piece lately. Animals and nature. Sounds maybe more my speed for the time being. I keep thinking about getting a cat. I used to love animals. It's just a lot of responsibility. I spend a lot of time worrying about something going wrong that I can't fix. Maybe I should consider it more seriously. If I look at how I could fix things if they go wrong and the likelihood of things going wrong, typically I find things aren't as scary as I exasperate them out to be.

Thank you, Dolly. 

[j i m]

Having what might appear to be unreasonable expectations may not be helpful, especially if such expectations push a person into further trauma or shame. But I think a sense of openness and curiosity can and should remain. There are many stories of people confounding predictions along the lines of "he''ll never walk/talk/xyz again" or "she will only live for 6 months at most". I also think that acceptance and kindness about where you are at is helpful. Acceptance, to my mind, does not mean you accept you will never be different. I think it means you accept yourself for what you are now and celebrate what you have achieved so far. It may mean you decide not to set a specific goal. If you say "OK, I don't trust people and I don't expect I ever shall but I might do one day" then you remain open to the possibility. You can take any opportunities that come your way without fear of failure and you cannot beat yourself up about not making progress towards a particular goal because that goal does not exist as a specific. Just my personal view for what it's worth.

For myself, I am wary of trusting people - even my husband. I've started opening up to people a little more since I started therapy, but only in tiny steps, and choosing situations where if it does not work out too well I know I will not be drastically upset or hurt. So opening up to FOO is out of the question and telling anyone anything very personal is something I consider very carefully. But initiating some idle chit chat with the women in the gym locker room instead of just hurrying to get dressed and leave is OK. It is generally fine, and pleasant, and if by chance someone is having a bad day and does not want to engage then I can deal with that and not take it personally. I actually like casual social interaction. Maybe it will lead to closer bonds in time and maybe it won't.

Curiosity. I like that, very much. It's been a driving, positive force as of late and I don't want to loose that.. I also like what you're saying about remaining open to possibilities in a way that allows acceptance of where I am.. I think something like that has been the most peaceful resolution I've found. In a way, maybe it won't get better, but I'm not going to find out unless I get up and dust off. So, might as well.

I keep thinking I should try to get out more. Find hobbies that include some interactions like this. I considered a gym or volunteering somewhere. Again, I should sit and contemplate these options more.. Someone said I should try something like that where I'm passing by sometimes the same people, rather than one-off events where it'd be kind of hard to establish a more meaningful connection so quickly.

Thank you for your thoughts.

[j i m]

Hi Jim,

Do you have any idea where in the book? I would like to go back and read that as I really struggle with trust/relationship of any kind and at all levels even though my mind knows some people are kind, caring, etc.   

No worries if you don't recall - I will have a look.

After reading Dolly's take on it above, and your request here, I think at least part of what I was referring to is in Chapter 3, page 49 in my copy : Improving relationships. I do think Dolly did a good job of wording it. A good enough relationship can be built through animal and non human relationships. Even a bond with an author can allow both enough distance and connection to be meaningful, lyrics to music, the creative arts. The healing and feeling of connection in nature.

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles, and I wish you the best.