Hi, everyone!

[occasional_cassandra]

I came across this page while looking for ideas on how to meet people who might actually understand what I am going through.

My mom passed away when I was in second grade. I was raised by my alcoholic father. He had already sold everything that we owned by the time I turned 17, and died suddenly when I was in my early 20s. My childhood and teenage years were riddled with various types of abuse that I don't really feel like getting into right now.

It's not clear to me if my father prevented me from creating a relationship with my other relatives or they just showed no interest in me, but in the rare occasions when I asked for their help, I was rejected. The only help I received from any of them was the permission to live in their house when I was 18 and homeless, but I got a job and moved out in a few months because of the awful way they were treating me.

Luckily, life blessed me with some good friends who became a surrogate support system, and with their help, I managed to move to a large city and get an office job. I was repeatedly promoted, and after a few years for hard work I got a loan and I finally bought my own place.

For a while, l enjoyed some stability, but soon enough, all the pain that I had buried came back to haunt me. I tore apart the whole foundation of my life because it felt unbearably inauthentic. I spent three years in therapy, and now I am trying to build it back again in a way that's closer to my real wants and needs.

It's really hard though, because I am in my late 30s, I have no family and no partner. I transitioned to a new field a couple of years ago, and I am having trouble finding a job. But the most painful part is that most of my friends have drifted away one by one. Some got married, had children and there was no room for me in that new life. Some turned out to be just work friends. Others I stopped hanging out with because I couldn't afford it anymore, and after a while they stopped inviting me. Others I cut out myself because I just felt that they didn't care, and being with them made me feel even more alone.

There are days when I am so starved for human interaction that I go buy something just to get out of the house and talk to another human being. If I had money, I would travel and participate to the few social events available, but money is short. I have been looking for a job for the last five months, I think I applied to 500 job postings, and all the rejections are harder and harder to handle.

I go to the gym and try to lose weight (for a long time, I used food as a coping mechanism). I fill my time with movies and learning and books. I go for a walk at least every other day. I try to tell myself that things must get better sooner or later, but honestly, I am scared of what my life has become.

It doesn't help that I have a hard time reaching out to people, and I am very sensitive to rejection, real or perceived. I just want to feel that someone misses me and wants to hang out with me.

It's really hard to make people understand what I am going through, what it's like to grow up neglected, to have no family and no one to rely on, CPTSD-specific fears or reactions, etc. So, I joined this community hoping to find some kindred spirits.

Sorry if this was too long, and thank you all for being here!

[Papa Coco]

Welcome to the forum Ocassional_cassandra

I feel your pain. I found this forum 2 years ago the same way you found it, by searching for anyone who might be able to understand me and interact with me without me having to explain myself and my Trauma-Triggers. It's been, for me, a godsend. I hope this forum helps you the same way.

The people on this forum all came from different backstories, but somehow we all ended up in the same place, as we deal, each day, with our trauma triggers. I feel the loneliness that you are talking about. I know it well. Many of the people here on the forum also know it well.

I don't think your post is too long at all. I appreciate what you've shared and I believe others will also.

I'm very sorry to hear how difficult life has been for you, and I believe that by having kindred spirits to share it with is a good thing. Here, on the forum, we understand each other. No explaining ourselves is necessary here.

I welcome you, and I hope to interact more with you.

[NarcKiddo]

I am so sorry to read of your struggles. Welcome to the forum. Everyone here is helpful and supportive. Your post was not in the least bit too long.

[occasional_cassandra]

Papa Coco, NarcKiddo, thank for your kind replies, I feel a little better already. I hesitated before posting, but now I'm glad that I did.

[blue_sky]

Hi occasional_cassandra, welcome to the forum.

I'm so sorry you have been through so much and going through so much. We all understand and acknowledge the struggles and pain.

This forum has been like a second family for me because I can share everything I feel and I feel heard and understood. I don't feel alone when I hear that there are others who understand and don't hate or judge me for it.

I hope you are having a better day.  if it's okay with you.

[CraneWings]

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling, Cassandra. It sounds like you've been in pain for a long time.

I hope you find peace and safety here. Welcome.

[BecomingMe]

Hello and welcome occasional_cassandra  I'm also new and understand being apprehensive about posting initially. I felt the same but (like you) glad I did and finding comfort just be being here. Sending warm wishes your way

[Larry]

HI OC,  nice to have you here. 

[Kizzie]

Hi Cassandra and a warm welcome to OOTS    The whole idea of this site is to provide a sense of belonging and a community where we (survivors of relational trauma) can just be ourselves. It seems no matter what a member writes about, others understand and can make suggestions or just share the sadness/fear/anger and sometimes joy and pride the member may post about.