Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

StartingHealing · October 04, 2025, 07:00:53 PM

10042025

I wonder if at the end of everything, because you know, everything passes away in this realm, will I be able to look back and honestly say that my life was one well lived? I know there is a crap ton of things to unpack from that. Unless the All that there is pulls off some mondo reconfigure, { which there are instances that I can point to as proof that does happen } there isn't any continuation of my particular genetics. Which honestly could be a good thing. D is adamant in not having any kids and she's about to the age where that point is mute anyway. At the moment I do not know the "why" behind the recent push concerning legacy, any legacy that will carry forward. Alan Watts had mentioned in one of the recordings that being here, and after the transition to something else, having been here is terribly important. Perhaps it has to do with the change in pattern that can result from one very ordinary human existence. Then again, how does being someone that breaks the passing along of the sins of the father matter if there isn't someone else to carry forward in a new way of being? Ironic in a not funny way.

Lots of things happening outside of me that also have a impact. My mentor had to have emergency surgery on a eye that had already had surgery on it. She's doing well now.

Middle sister of the adoptive family went into hospital, critical care for a while, she's diabetic type 1, and has a host of other things. Current Doc said that because her lupus hasn't been managed properly .. [ Lupus is a type of autoimmune thing ] she's better tho. Lots of other drama though .. there's a child of the eldest brother ( deceased ) that .. knowing what I know now, she's some sort of PD person. Probably some form of BPD based on her behaviors. The eldest sister, the thinking meat isn't doing to well and she and the middle sister are in the same state as is the PD person. Yeah. And do to things and stuff the being "family" dynamic, where sometimes family or not, toxic people need to be excluded, you know?

Other things are needing my attention.

Wishing all here all the best

StartingHealing · October 08, 2025, 10:26:16 AM

Quote from: NarcKiddo on September 29, 2025, 11:56:20 AMI find that putting a load of freshly ground black pepper on hard boiled eggs helps to liven them up in the absence of salt.

Found that thyme is also good on eggs

NarcKiddo · October 08, 2025, 11:03:24 AM

StartingHealing · October 08, 2025, 11:26:13 AM

10-8-25

Still waiting for the coffee to get done for my first cup. BP is 129/66. I had known that current medical attitudes aren't towards finding root cause(s) that it's " all about the chemicals baby " and also come to find out that the interactions between the 3 different BP meds is depression, agitation, general pissed off type attitude. There's more, I figured though I'd stick with the stuff that I've been dealing with. Not to mention that the blue light that every screen (including TV's) / most lighting LED's put out, also impacts mental health and jacks up circadian rhythm ... Fer F's sake. And trying to find incandescent blubs for home use? Yeah, I'm starting to think that I'm going to have to get some through non-official channels. It's starting to be come apparent to me that "official" narrative is absolutely garbage. ( to put it nicely ). I'd like to use stronger language however after the scripts get done it would be nothing more than a series of *******.

sigh.

Well, need to get myself put together to go to the day job. I'm grateful for it while at the same time being totally "over" it. Even now, with all the experience I've had with things going sideways, and for some reason I'm responsible for it getting straightened out, one would think that those instances wouldn't stick in my craw. They still do though.

Wishing all here all the best

StartingHealing · October 09, 2025, 07:43:11 PM

10092025

What a kick in the gut. Older sister, middle of 3, lots of background sh-_, anyway, ended up in hospital, went sideways, will not recover, and today is when she will be going on to her next adventure.

In addition to all this, the thoughts of how modernity is stacked, and navigating all that crap, plus prior question of a life well lived, which still hasn't been answered, then again perhaps wrong question. Plus the how / when of the run up and EOL for my own self.

Can't be there either.

I'd really really really like to be using a lot of different cuss words here.

awwww dam--t.

wishing all here all the best

StartingHealing · October 10, 2025, 02:10:27 AM

Sister has moved on to her next adventure

Hope67 · October 10, 2025, 10:24:12 AM

Hi StartingHealing,
I can't locate the words I want to convey, but I do want to say that I'm thinking of you. Even when relationships are complicated, endings/new adventures can hit hard.
Sending you a hug

Hope

StartingHealing · October 10, 2025, 05:51:58 PM

Quote from: Hope67 on October 10, 2025, 10:24:12 AMHi StartingHealing,
I can't locate the words I want to convey, but I do want to say that I'm thinking of you. Even when relationships are complicated, endings/new adventures can hit hard.
Sending you a hug
Hope

Thank you Hope.

StartingHealing · October 12, 2025, 07:05:58 PM

10-12-2025

Brief update. The losses I've experienced over the years, and never really having the time / space to go through it, it's all got wrapped up into a big old mess that I'm currently experiencing.

things are going on apiece. there still is obligations to pay, things needing maintenance, as the saying goes "life continues"

Wishing all here, all the best

Hope67 · October 13, 2025, 02:18:25 PM

I resonate with what you said about things getting wrapped up into a big old mess. It's tough to negotiate the way through - especially with pressures and obligations. Sounds like you're tackling it though, as you mentioned thigns 'going on apiece' - hope it gets easier in moments of the day and week.

lowbudgetTV · October 13, 2025, 09:12:15 PM

sending support as you go through all this

StartingHealing · October 13, 2025, 09:17:17 PM

Quote from: Hope67 on October 13, 2025, 02:18:25 PMI resonate with what you said about things getting wrapped up into a big old mess. It's tough to negotiate the way through - especially with pressures and obligations. Sounds like you're tackling it though, as you mentioned thigns 'going on apiece' - hope it gets easier in moments of the day and week.

Hi Hope. Thank you for the hug. Appreciated it.
Things are going forward. It's better at times and then at others not so much. Waves I guess you would call it. The thing is, I'm really good at keeping the boat floating. Not so good at tending to myself which I'm starting to learn though. The stuffing of the emotional turmoil.. especially in the last years with the former spouse is what I personally think pushed the BP to a point of needing medical attention.

StartingHealing · October 13, 2025, 09:18:00 PM

Quote from: lowbudgetTV on October 13, 2025, 09:12:15 PM sending support as you go through all this

Thank you lowbudgetTV. Appreciate it.

StartingHealing · October 13, 2025, 10:26:48 PM

10/13/25

What is F-ing wrong with people?!?!? One of my sisters created a group chat of folks to keep everyone informed of what was going on with the middle sister. The new gen texting apps have this thing where you can react to a text that was received. OK cool. IMO someone fat fingered the reaction and the fecal matter ... hit the fan. what the F?!?! Every one in that group is grieving over what happened and the instigators of the sh_- storm, like really?

( insert long, loud, and creative cuss phrases here for about 5 minutes )

You know, I'm changing up a phrase a little bit. Toxic people are gonna toxic, doesn't matter if your family or not.

the text was asking folks to not post anything on social media until certain things got settled. That was the entire thing. Just don't post on social media for a period of time. Then with the reaction to the fat fingered reaction ..

I'm not, I refuse, I will not be engaging with those people, those toxic a-holes, going forward. It's saddening, but by all that is holy, to act that way? At this time? At least I have the comfort of knowing that I'm NOT genetically related to them. I've already started to quietly and slowly withdraw and then when the opportunity is right, poof. I'll disappear from them. I'm planning on moving which means a different address, ( I use a PO box anyway ) change my #, different drivers license, change email, and 0 mail forwarding. Only very select few will know any contact info for me.

Wishing all here all the best.