Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

[StartingHealing]

How comfortable am I with the concept that I have 0 input at all in whether or not other people cast me in the villain role in the story that they are telling themselves about themselves?

This speaks to me, a lot.  I can truly relate to this. The injustice of it is mind boggling to me.

Hi naturelovr. It can be a mind job for sure.  What helps me is that I fall back onto the 3 C's.  I didn't cause it.  I cannot control it.  I cannot cure it. 

That to me means that other person is responsible for the story that they tell to themselves about the other people, places, things, events, and themselves to themselves. Always the victim no matter if they caused the situation to begin with.

How do I bear any responsibility as long as I'm not acting like an a--hat?  Not being rude or short.  Acting in ways that show consideration to others.  And yet,  I'm sure that you have ran across people that are the professional victim.  Or people that are being complete and total jerks and when someone calls them out for their fecal matter behavior they DARVO to maintain their sense of somehow being superior.

No lie it took me a while to make the leap from applying the 3 C's generally speaking rather than specifically to BPDs.  (or other such disturbed individuals)  As a result I've found myself more at ease and confident when interacting with others in my daily life.  Which surprisingly has moved most interactions into the positive.  The occasional interaction that isn't doesn't get me down because I know how I conducted myself. 

It's very freeing actually.

[StartingHealing]

08-30-2025

this may be a rambling entry, or it could be something that has some nuggets in it.  I don't know.

I'm frustrated with the lack of progress I made today on changing a timing belt on my new to me car.   I've got plenty of experience in changing timing belts / chains, from the little 50cc motorcycles up to monster V8 car engines.  5 hours in of actual working time and I'm still not to the point of where I can change the belt yet.  Visually looking at it, oh it needs it something bad.

I shut it down because { surprise } the BP meds I'm on decimated my heat tolerance.  I worked till I got shaky, had food, cooled off in the AC of the residence, went back to it and I was at the point of being stupid. (sign that even with the water I was drinking it wasn't enough to keep me hydrated with the amount of sweat that was being produced )  Had a fan going for air flow and shade even.

I finally called it and after cooling back down went to pick up tools / parts / etc.  Good thing I have a long weekend to do this in.

Tomorrow, I'm going to have to look at the noise ordinance because I will have to use some air tools which require a compressor which is loud.  Seems like I can go hot @ 6AM.      I'll dig out the tools etc before hand and get everything prepped so when it hits 6:05AM I can fire up the air compressor.   

I'm debating on ordering pizza for dinner or not. 

Sigh.  Need to go shower and start attempting to wind down do I can get my sleep in to be fresh for tomorrow.

Wishing all here all the best

[Hope67]

I reckon you'll get on well with that task tomorrow, as you sound very prepared with what you need and hopefully that will help a lot.

Whatever you have for dinner tonight, I hope you enjoy it

Hope

[StartingHealing]

I reckon you'll get on well with that task tomorrow, as you sound very prepared with what you need and hopefully that will help a lot.

Whatever you have for dinner tonight, I hope you enjoy it

Hope

Hi Hope. 
The harmonic balancer bolt has me stymied.  I'm in the AC attempting to re-hydrate myself.  My 1/2 inch air impact gun won't break it free. It's been used over the years so I'm sure it doesn't have the reverse torque it once had.  Even so it should still have 500 or better foot pounds of torque.  I've heated the bolt with a plumbers torch, soaked it in penetrating oil, heated it back up, flash cooled it with ice from hot, soaked it again with penetrating fluid, went and did other things on the vehicle, heated the bolt again ..

I called a semi-retired mechanic I know and he's going to get back to me sometime this afternoon.  I have a couple of franklins on me and a few more I can get via debit card I'm starting to think that I am going to have him pull the harmonic balancer, replace the timing belt and water pump and install the balancer.  With my heat tolerance being what it is, and Tuesday I need to return to work, and it was my only running vehicle at the moment.  Yeah.  I could do the paid time off thing on Tues if needed.  Ugh.   

And then there is the issue of possibly needing parts.  There is a parts store fairly close by car.  Walking would be .. nah. 

Time to get another 128 oz of water down my neck.

Wishing you all the best

[Hope67]

Oh no, I hope that the mechanic you know will be able to help.  Finger's crossed for a good outcome for you!   

[StartingHealing]

Hi Hope.
The tip worked well.  Got everything done and am driving the car.  Interesting effect I noticed on myself is my mood is really good.  Being able to tackle a complex task and complete it.. Is nice you know?

Work.. the pace that I was going yesterday, compared to the slow as a snail pace at work is jarring to me at the moment.

Not to mention the paperpushing BS, work from wherever and so have no clue on what is actually going on. 

I'm torn.  One the one hand, having the site shutting down is a bummer because of not just the job loss for me, but also for the other good folks that will also lose theirs.  On the other hand, not having to deal with certain 'personalities' will be a wonderful release.

Gotta go. Break over.  Need to find something to do. Yeesh

Wishing all here, all the best

[StartingHealing]

09-04-2025

Shorty today.  Car is still running well.  Is throwing a code for the fuel vapor purge.  I need to change all the rubber hoses.  Considering that I'm pretty sure that they are 20+ years old .. yeah. 

BP was really good this AM 123/82 which for my level of experience is really good.  chuckle

Have a busy day tomorrow.  Follow up appt with the PCP and then a meeting with another paper pusher to see if I "qualify" for a sliding fee program at 1 of the 2 hospitals that I ended up at last month. 

I also need to call the first hospital to see if they have something like that as well. 

Kinda nuts since I'm still paying for the so called "legal services" from back when I got single again.

Not to mention credit cards that I've had to use to span some gaps.  No lie I'm making decent wages but .. by the time I get anything I can use, 36% has been taken off the top.  There are times where I wonder if a lot of the things I struggle with has less to do with me, and more to do with the F'ed up systems that are currently in force in the social sphere.

Wishing all the best to all here.

[Chart]

09-04-2025

There are times where I wonder if a lot of the things I struggle with has less to do with me, and more to do with the F'ed up systems that are currently in force in the social sphere.

   
Totally with you on that one!

[StartingHealing]

09-04-2025

There are times where I wonder if a lot of the things I struggle with has less to do with me, and more to do with the F'ed up systems that are currently in force in the social sphere.

   
Totally with you on that one!

Hi Chart.

I'm considering the "what if" of what I am perceiving in regards to the social sphere, may extend to all other spheres of influence that a human interacts with.  thinking about how it seems to boil down to object / subject interactions.  At what point did I stop being a free range human and become an inanimate object that can be classified, objectified, dissected, or ??   

Mandatory state "education" which was what? Was it learning or was it indoctrination with a side order of propaganda?  90-95% of what subjects did I sit through hours of my life for that I do not use. Where did the idea that as a living breathing entity with free will, that someone else, another human or bureaucracy has the { authority } to judge me, to sentence me to whatever the h3-- labels are in vogue at that time?  Where is the point where I am enough, where I do not have to engage in a massive action of development all the stinking time because of a belief system that was imposed upon me rather than arising naturally out of my own self?

Where did the message that I'm not enough as I am come from?  The dogma that was dressed up as religion I was exposed to, openly stated that unless I submitted to a "higher being" and that being gave me a pass, I'm screwed over for eternity.  The thing that really got to me was the concept that if a wee one wasn't baptized and dies, that the wee one would go to Hades forever.  The whole "original sin" idea.   Being raised in a family of genetic strangers, and the story that my genetic donors were not married, well now.. I'm screwed blued and tattooed out the gate.  As if the whole original sin thing wasn't enough of a mind job.   

I thought long and hard about the "sins of the father being visited upon his children for 7 generations".  Family dynamics in full force.  Growing up with a PD parent, or parental substance abuse, which are two of many examples, and to the kid that's the 'normal' and that pattern gets recreated, right?  Extrapolated out into every area of human experience ..        

Pattern, Pattern, where is the hidden pattern behind all of this?  Do all these patterns point to a singular causal point? 

So much of this fecal matter gets internalized and we don't know it, we are not aware of how internalized the programming is.  We become an unwitting cog in the overall 'system' that exists to maintain it's self and it cares not one whit for the people that it grinds up and spits out alive or otherwise.   

To me anyway, this also explains the NPC theory. 

Wishing all here all the best.

[Chart]

I'm screwed blued and tattooed out the gate.

You gave me a good Sunday morning laugh on that one SH! Thanks!!!

On a positive note however, at least we see it. I'm intrigued and curious still. Taking things apart is as interesting as building something up. I'm appreciating Jung a lot at the moment. All that crapola DOES define me as to what evolution I made. Such are my investigations at the moment.

(And just out of curiosity, the pulley for your timing belt that you were struggling to get off, was it a reverse threaded bolt? What was the "trick" finally? :-)

[StartingHealing]

Hi Chart.

The trick was to brace a breaker bar with the proper sized socket against a frame member and bump the starter. 

I'm glad that you had a good laugh.  Alan Watts had the idea that laughter was a short cut to get out of the "ego" for a moment.

I've always known that humans are a pattern replication machine.  Programming gets implanted and then that pattern repeats.  Add in the power of language, I mean hypnosis is a state of suggestibility that is brought about language, which makes me wonder about how language gets used to do mind / emotional / spiritual manipulation on unsuspecting people. If one thinks of human society over the span of history with a critical eye, to me it appears at this time that the allegiance to the tribe and the socialization of people to the tribe got hijacked.  And like taxes once something became implemented, that something never gets removed.  Here in the USA.. just take a look at the federal government.  From 1776 till now?     Lordy, what expansion!

Looking at the last 3 serious relationships I've had, the pattern is there in the partners that I choose.  That caused me to take a look at the patterns, at the 'why' those particular gals were chosen by me.  Then the idea that perhaps, just perhaps, the pattern that I had been following wasn't something innate.  That it had been imposed on me.  Which I'm still considering. 

The algo off a guest YT offered up a video done by Marina Karolova.  I watched everything that she has put out and while I don't agree with everything, the ideas she has are intriguing.

I have some prep work to do for work tomorrow.

Wishing all here all the best.

[StartingHealing]

09-10-2025

Starting to feel better physically.  Don't know if I had a pathogen of some kind or if my being under the weather is from the BP meds.  The last few days.. bleh.   Am starting to explore different user name that would better reflect where I'm at on my path.

Short rant: 

In all the Dr. Appts, 2 visits to emergency rooms, not a single medical professional mentioned anything concerning a "cause" of the hypertension.  Just pushing chemicals that have a list of side effects longer than my arm.  (insert long and colorful cuss phrases here)  Making comments about weight and diet when there is no idea of my bone density / actual muscle to fat ratio.  Yeesh.   

Rant over:

Another meeting about the upper ups "spinning down" the site that I work at.  More smoke / mirrors is my take on the newest date.  If history predicts future performance, they are still going to be messing about 3 years from now.  From a business perspective, not one single thing that they have done since they acquired us, makes a single lick of sense.  Someone, somewhere, has gotten something stuck up their anal cavity that they don't know how to turn on / remove.   Add in that they paid a premium and have been losing $$$ ... the idea that doing something that will result in significant losses for at least 5 years or more, like *? 

Sigh.

I had an interesting conversation with a co-worker that is 10-15 years older than I and somehow we ended up doing a compare contrast with the now and what was remembered from earlier times.  What really struck me was his comments concerning society (in general).  He's first gen naturalized citizen.  this also fed into other conversations with other co-workers that are 20 ish years younger than I that were not directly about "society" those conversations were concerning aspects that to me led back to society / the bureaucratic system of control.  In all cases the sentiment was the same.  * has happened? 

From current vehicles that have been turned into short lived transport modules and data mining access points that are locked out for repair or even maintenance to something that used to be simple like traveling in country via a plane ride.  The hoops that a person has to jump through to get their own money out of a bank and then on the other side all the back end reporting the bank does all in the name of "safety" from those evil nasty drug dealers all the while B 0f A bank has made trillions on washing drug money and they are not only allowed to stay open, they only got fined in the millions for the "violation".  Seems to me that ethics are way more flexible than what the message to me is.  Won't even get into the area of "laws" which have been weaponized such that because of my gender, age, assumed ethnic background, I would be treated as guilty and then have to prove my innocence.  Yeah, that sticks in my craw.

On the better side, was able to get to the right people in the right places at the right time for that the $$$ owed to the hospitals are something that I can afford!  The car is still running really well.  Do have a set of ignition wires to install.  Temperatures are cooling off which will let me have more outside time.  Do have to cut back some grass this weekend and maybe start inspecting the flexible lines underneath the new to me car. 

Wishing all here all the best

[StartingHealing]

09-13-2025

Not feeling the bestest today.  Don't know if it's the meds or if there is a pathogen my body is dealing with.  All I know is feeling better than having a mid level case of the flu would be really nice. 

Had a call the other day from .. I'll call him D.  D was a child that the former spouse adopted out.  I gave my perspective on it being adopted myself and allowed her the to choose.  And yet I'm still the bad guy in everything because I didn't fight her on her decision.  No I am not the father.  Thank goodness.  He's in his late twenties if my math is right.  He had been through the wringer in the family that adopted him.  He's doing alright mostly.  Going to be getting married here soon.  He seems happy about that.  Then the conversation turned and he was dropping remarks concerning the former spouse.  I warned him.  I told him in no uncertain terms and had him repeat it back to me.  I get it.  I do.  A kid and their mom, you know?  Hoping against hope, sucking it up again after the last fecal matter show, and trying again to have a relationship of some sort.  From what he described to me was nothing more than the PD + ( I add the + because I really do think there is a mental something or other going on besides the PD. ) typical BS.  Always the victim even in situations that she created.  Trying to dominate over others .. anyway the last visit was such that D relayed to me that she went off the radar, again.  She'll come back around next time she wants something from D.  I told him that it may be better for him and his new family to perhaps cut her off and don't allow her around, no communications, no nothing. 

In a way I was also talking to that aspect of myself that once held out hope that my genetic mother would have had a relationship with me.  In a earlier post I mentioned that I found 35mm film prints and one of them had a wall of photos in the photo and there was one with my genetic mother and sister.  My sister in the photo was 4, 5, 6?  Something like that.  I realize that for my mother ... well, lets just say there wasn't any $$$ coming in for my care.  I admit that is total supposition on my part.  However it does fit what facts I do have concerning the time, place, society, and personal circumstances.  No lie, that hurts.  It also hurts that if she could have put the bottle down a little bit more, there would have been a chance for us to meet at least.  Maybe she could have started to dig herself out of the alcoholic pattern and even been able to meet her grandchild. 5 years before I met with certain members of the FOO, she died after an adult life of intense turmoil.   I do not have any conscious memory of my genetic mother.  And yet, and yet, there are still certain voices in certain songs that I tear up at, there are smells that comfort me, I assume that is part of the encoding from when I was still in the womb before I went through what I did as a newborn.  Adoption sucks and at the same time was the best shot I had of breaking the patterns that she was carrying from her FOO.  I do not yet have a "why".  I have understanding of the situation, the society, and at the same time, those "whys" are somehow not enough, they are lacking in power? I don't have the right word ... Perhaps when I have moved on to the next adventure I'll be privy to that why and that then will be sufficient. 

D has done nothing that could be considered to be a direct threat vector against me.  However, knowing that his is in communication with the former spouse, I thought it best to not reveal all the cards that I currently have.  Like being a member of the Native American Nation that I am, or a firm time frame of when the site that I work at is going to go dark.  Which is easy because I don't know myself actually. chuckle.  Nor did I think it wise for me to mention the where I am seriously considering moving to.  I do not think that D would intentionally spill information. Like all of us, there are times that the emotions run high and during those states he reveals more than he realizes.  I'm currently undecided if going forward, after I move, that he will be able to contact me in any shape or fashion.   With the changes in postal service regulations there cannot be any mail forwarding in a general sense unless I'm willing to go to a state with a huge amount of RV's and have a paid service.  Kicker with that is any outgoing mail would have to go there to get the postage cancelled which also indicates where it was mailed from.  Yeah.. All I want is to be clear of that whole mess.  The alimony, the constant threat of her going back to court for more $$$, the auto loan that I co-signed for J (another one of her offspring) to be clear from all of that.  I mean I've already paid enough in time, emotional turmoil, abuse, you know? TBH it would clear up many issues if the former spouse exited this realm.  I'm certain that she is cohabiting but unless she gets married again .. everything remains in force. sigh

As the call continued between me and D, with what he was relaying, there has been 0 improvement in the former spouse behavior at all.  Sad in a way, and at the same time it to me is proof that it was not me that was the toxic ( insert cussing here ).  Vindicated in a small way perhaps.

Well, I need to go get laundry done, and I think a shower would be nice.

Wishing all here all the best.