How to stop my attempts to 'diagnose' my abusers

[Saluki]

I know this is old but it struck such a chord with me I feel compelled to reply.
I'm nearly 50. I no longer speak to my mother. I moved home to stop her being able to send me abusive letters and other weird things.
I knew from my teens probably that she has serious untreated mental illness(es). I thought at first she was just depressed. But being depressed doesn't make people abusive.
I've been through this in my head day after day. For years.
Is it covert narcissistic personality disorder? Is it malignant covert narcissistic personality disorder? Is it DID? Is it borderline personality disorder? Is she bipolar?
The thing is, because she has consistently refused to accept that her behaviour is in any way unkind or wrong or abusive and because she's always blamed me, told me it's me with the problem, not her, because she refuses to acknowledge that she has any mental health issues, no one is ever going to diagnose her because she's comfortable in her abusiveness. It serves her to be the poor victim of her terribly selfish, cruel, ungrateful, delinquent, disgusting fat rude lazy hedonistic and dangerous adult child who she is "terrified" of.
All I ever wanted was for my mother to love me.
I know that will never happen.
So I try and try to make justifications for her severe neglect, abuse, paedophile enabling/apologism.

Thank you, bluepalm, for bringing up this subject and thank you to everyone who has responded.

I really need to let go of my mother.

She haunts me every day all day: she haunts my dreams and I don't know how to evict her from my mind.

Maybe if I stop trying to diagnose her it will be easier.

[Blueberry]

Saluki,

 My trauma T said a long time ago that attempts to diagnose were giving (me) false hope that somehow/some day my FOO could or would change.  I don't think I ever wrote that on here before because it wasn't clear to me if he meant in general or just for me.

He said he wouldn't attempt to diagnose them, since that would be up to any T or doc they went to see, if they did. M did in fact, but I have no idea what she was diagnosed with. Possibly just depression or something.

I think there is more cptsd in my FOO than just my own. Why did they take it out on me the way they did? Why did I suffer worse than my sibs? Somewhere in FOO's warped imaginings there are reasons for that. I know of much but won't write it here.

My T did teach me ways of stopping, imagination exercises which I do quite well with. Sorry it would take too much out of me to explain. There are things like thought-stopping exercises. Or else trying to find what you really need and looking for that.

[Saluki]

Thanks Blueberry. That's interesting, thinking what we really need...

I need to shut off the memories and the feelings attached to them but I doubt that's possible.

I need the constant anxiety hormones to go away.

I need to be wholly present in the here and now.

[Blueberry]

I know this is old but it struck such a chord with me I feel compelled to reply.

btw it's totally legit here on OOTS to respond to an old thread. There's a lot of wisdom, experience, information, expertise on old threads, so if something resonates, go ahead and write. You'll soon see if others are interested in joining the discussion again. The only old threads I would tend not to bump would be Intro posts or Journals. 

[Saluki]

Thanks Blueberry 🙂