Transmuting my anger, jealousy and resentment into something satisfying

[Kizzie]

I often have felt like this when I am at my lowest Wyge.  It is so incredibly difficult to think of what we could have been, what wanted to be if not for the trauma that dragged us down. We have suffered a huge loss and that's so hard to feel, harder still to accept.  I get it and I'm sorry you are feeling all of this right now. 

I hope so much that your lawyer is able to hold your aggressor accountable in some way. So often perpetrators get away with their abusive behaviour and I hate that this is so. It's why I have become an advocate for survivors, my tribe if you will. If nothing else my pain and loss will count by being a part of a movement to make it harder for abusers to abuse, and for us to be heard, and gain some dignity and power back, and a sense of purpose. I want to become a mighty survivor so all of what I lived counts in some way.

[Wyge]

Hi,

I think of my position, that it is a very dire one: I have gifts but I cannot make use of them, thanks to this condition of C-PTSD, the one affliction that makes all the rest unusable.
Of course I've had the psychological reflex of telling myself ''yes but it confers me with other attributes'', which ones I don't know and this mentality kind of fades off anyway when I'm honest with myself, facing the fact that it's probably just for psychological survival. I probably will have to find something to fall back on, something creative like becoming a giver of hope to others, but I have to master the game first, meaning knowing what to do. And the truth of the matter is: is it really worth it? Especially when I think about the current world situation, everything that is happening: nothing to boost optimism, let's just put it this way.

Everytime I want to do something to distract myself, my abuser comes into my mind to remind me - in a way - that he can snatch even that away from me. I do not feel confident and for that I probably don't deserve my life back.

I'll read and re-read a bit of what is written on this forum. Thanks for reading.

[Wyge]

Sorry Kizzie I just saw that you had replied before!

Well I praise you and your movement, for sure it has a lot to bring us, the tribe. It is absolutely unfair that we have to live with such a condition while others have nice lives, and often don't do much with it. I am in mourning.

Thank you for your though, and for the hopes

[Kizzie]

 

[Wyge]

Better day today. I saw some girl friends lately, expanding my social network. One of them (she works in the mental health field) told me I have to accept what has happened to me. She says she knows it's easier said than done of course. But I will take back my confidence. The thing is really, my rational brains knows it wasn't my fault having been violated as a child, but my subconscious part still thinks I'm a loser for not having been capable of defending myself. I have to integrate that nothing, nothing could have been done.

I see in what way what I have is not completely unrelated to mental health, in a sense: some part of me won't make the difference between an instance (safety) and another (danger). Even when safe, meaning 100% of the time now and it's been that way for years too, some part of my mind is uncertain of being safe. The way I see it as for now.

[Wyge]

This morning, meditating on this:

The mere fact that my aggressor had me overlapping between safety and hazard - committing an agression to my person, and than the same day, acting normal to others and ACTUALLY wonder why I have a hard time staying polite with him, or what makes me nervous - we got quite a specimen as a study subject here folks. This overlapping alone is disturbing.

My home predator (aggressor) seemed to think I have time for this. The primitive, the low, seem to think we got time for them. They need to think that way, to optimize their chances of having themselves taken care of, to increase survival chances. Bullying is a sign of weakness, just as cruelty is.

Animals everywhere.

[Wyge]

Kizzie,

You talked about getting our dignity back. I already imagine the primitive laughing at that, and it makes me sick. In a crumbling civilization we get a lot of that kind of injustice, it's the lowest and the ugly that has the system arranged for them. So the noble and the humble are exposed to the danger they represent.

This is the one question that bugs me now though: how does one get one's dignity back? I feel this whole trauma problem, this whole suffering, falls back to that one question.

[Wyge]

Establish feeling of safety. Once I'm in control of my self as a whole, I won't be bothered by those intrusive thoughts of my step-father intimidating me anymore.

[Wyge]

Cold turkeying. No cigarettes, no medication, nothing. It will be * I know. Nothing to lose. Time to set myself free. I got no money anyways, I'll go to a hospital if things get to chaotic. I'm nuts.
Wish me luck!

[Moondance]

Wishing you success Wyge - from a die hard smoker.

You got this 👍

  

[Wyge]

Thank You Moondance!

In fact I was referring to cold turkeying my C-PTSD, foolishly believing it can cure itself by just flat out facing it with no supervision. No cigarettes (my only drug, my only fleeing), no medication etc.

[Moondance]

Oh geez I missed the mark entirely on that one Wyge.

Well I'm still wanting to wish you well!

[Fraying]

Wyge, I'm sorry you went through all of that, and are seemingly still going through some of it.

As for me, I don't think I'll ever forgive my parents. I don't see any reason to forgive them. It won't fix things, and it won't help me to forgive them for things they didn't see as wrong.

I have a hard time with the word "accept," too. I know bad things happen to me. If that's what "acceptance" looks like, I guess I "accept" it, too. But to me, that word has connotations of forgiveness, and I'm just not in a place to do that. I would suggest that if you have a similar reaction that you don't push yourself to accept anything.