too much

[sanmagic7]

armee, dismality it is!!!  i understand what you're saying.  i also used to hear from my F that 'worry is an insult to God'. 12-steps - let go and let God.  i didn't used to worry like this, more of a 'what will be will be' or 'whatever happens i'll deal w/ it' kind of attitude.  the main difference here is this newfound, newly felt fear.  didn't have that before and it's put a whole new spin on anticipation.  don't know how to deal w/ future while the fear is now present.  i'm in new territory and it's navigating me instead of the other way around.  thank you for your care.

NL, warm thoughts and prayers are always welcome. thank you so much, too, for being in my corner.  love it! 

moondance, the thing is, i have several moments during the day where my D and i laugh, cry at silly sitcoms, i write and get lost in that world for a bit, so i do have breaks, albeit small ones. and i'm grateful for them. unfortunately, i also get triggered by situations even in silly sitcoms that send me spiraling, so, while i enjoy the breaks, i also have a lot of unresolved issues that pop up anywhere, at anytime.  i would love to have more of those breaks, tho.  they're wonderful.

talked to my T about the idea that i feel worse talking about my situation, than better for getting it out, and she said that often happens w/ situations which are unresolvable.  it's like running my mind over burrs, back and forth, again and again, but there is no ending to the pain/fear/whatever that way. so, i'm done writing about it unless something changes.

i also talked to her about living w/ this fear, and she said, basically, i need practice feeling it, knowing how to live w/ it like everyone else, and that will only come w/ time.  i know fear is a warning to ourselves that danger is present, i just never thought of myself in danger.

we also talked about my propensity for living in fantasy, making up stories to make my life palatable, and how i'm realizing that this began when i was about 4, when my doll was disappeared w/o an explanation.  just there one night, gone the next. i made up a story on the spot that a fairy king needed her help and took her away w/ him. even at that age, it never occurred to me to tell my mom, ask her anything about it, cry about it, feel any kind of way except to make up a fantasy. i can feel anger about that right now.

and i've lived my life that way.  when things didn't go as i wanted w/ certain relationships or whatever, i'd make up a story to assuage what i presume to be pain and hurt, which i didn't feel. i used a fantasy so as not to be overwhelmed by the situation, as a plausible explanation to help me feel rational during an irrational time.  then my T said something that hit me later in the day (i'm always several beats behind) - your parents set you on that track.

as that sentence filtered thru my mind all day, i realized how much of my life was made up of lives just to keep me alive and sane.  and, absolutely, my parents set me on that path.  if i didn't know i could reach out to my mom about something so devastating to me at that young of an age (and i learned in real terms that i couldn't do that w/ either of my folks when i was 13), how could i possibly take care of myself from such a young age w/o going to fantasyland? a survival mechanism, indeed!

well, that wore me out.  had a bad case of stress flu yesterday from all this.  need to rest more today.  just wanted to get this out of me.

[Armee]

 
Fear must be a horrible feeling...I say because I'm still a few decades behind you in terms of learning to feel things other than shame. 

I do know I felt anger the other night which I normally don't (because i magically turn it to shame, maybe the way you turn feelings into stories) and it was so physically uncomfortable that I could not rest or sleep. It felt awful.

So just 

[DD]

New feelings are horrible until one gets used to them. I'm also learning to tolerate fear, anger, and a host of others. It's not easy. So a to San and everyone else on this path, if appropriate.

[sanmagic7]

yeah, armee, fear is the worst thing i've felt. i used to get pain in my chest which i finally identified as fear, even tho i wasn't feeling it at the time. it was a revelation to understand what that tightness meant. i wish i could feel more anger cuz i know i've got a lot to be angry about.  i wish i could feel it as it comes so i could let it out in spurts, rather than having it ball up inside and i finally explode when i can't take anymore.  ugh!  thank you for your support and validation. and also for those marvelous big hugs.

hey, DD, being very new to being able to identify, let alone feel, feelings, yep, this has been a trial. i just wish i could feel or even realize the rest of the scale of feelings.  happy, joy, humiliation, shame (altho i don't want to work on that one too much - sounds awful) and all the rest. only once or twice in my life have i felt things like shame or guilt.  sadness was the one feeling i knew and carried w/ me and felt.  this emotion rollercoaster is so weird.  thank you for your support.

got so triggered by a situation in a sitcom last nite - people were making fun of the pregnant mom/wife for being so 'huge'.  both my hubs did that to me when i was pregnant w/ their children, and it hurt, i felt humiliated, demeaned, and angry they had the audacity to do such a thing.  most of those feelings didn't present themselves until many years later, but i do remember feeling humiliated byhub1 cuz he said it in front of a buddy and they both laughed, and very hurt by my ex cuz i'd specifically told him about the previous incident and asked him not to do that, and he ended up doing it anyway. and now i want to cry.

[Moondance]

  

Hi San,

Being made fun of, being laughed at whether seeing it happen to someone else or myself is triggering.  It makes my eyes roll in my head. That has happened to us way to many times.

I'm sorry San that neither of them were able to really cherish you or  honor your boundaries.  That is so very hurtful and disrespectful to you.  You didn't deserve that - you deserved so so much more. 

[sanmagic7]

moondance, thanks for those wonderful big hugs, and for your caring words.  i agree, this kind of thing has happened to us far too often, and i still get triggered by it. ugh!  wonder if that will ever end. 

[sanmagic7]

i've been struggling w/ the heat, and today's the first day we're getting a break in what seems like a very long time.  it has stressed me out, and my D as well, and i've gotten very sensitive to any little trigger, word, look - like i told my T, what should be a pinprick feels like a power drill.  i'm hoping we'll be able to breathe a little for a few days at least before another hot day rears its ugly head.

so, i've been laying low, very lethargic, super low energy.  i did go out for some shopping yesterday, and just that little trip in the heat did me in for the rest of the day.  i'm suspecting much of this is due to my age as well - i just can't take heat like i used to. another realization that i'm truly in the latter part of my life and with that comes all kinds of its own challenges, including the challenge of acceptance.

[Armee]

Partially age, partially triggers, and also the type of brutal heat many areas have been experiencing is just extremely challenging. There's a reason crime increases with heat. Hugs filled with cool breezes and energy. 

[Moondance]

Hi San - so glad your getting a break from the heat.

I used to love basking in the sun, enjoyed the heat but agree with you that age changes things.  It has been hotter than usual this year where I'm at as well.  I find it difficult to be in the heat to long and I absolutely have to bring water with me or I feel faint with heat and no water.

Wishing you a cool, breezy day so that the power drill feel goes back to being a pinprick feel or no pinprick feel would be best.



 

[sanmagic7]

armee, yeah, a little bit of everything, i'm sure.  the stress of it has wreaked havoc on my body in various ways.  hopefully i get back to my 'normal' soon.  thank you so for your support.

moondance, me too.  used to love laying in the sun.  thanks for the wish of a cool day.  in about another week, from what i can see. 

well, the smoke from surrounding fires, including from canada, has hit our area, but from what i read it'll stay high enough so as not to be much of a bother.  still, this morning, the sun was shining into our living room, as usual, but instead of gold stripes, they were red.  here in my room as well - sunshine on the wall is red.  looked out, sure enough, the sun is a bright cherry red right now.  it's the oddest  sight.

hopefully we won't get any ash dropping on us.  i've been in that position and it wasn't any fun at all.  otherwise i'm ok today, just tired, but that's part of my life that doesn't go away anymore. *sigh* going to watch some tennis - that'll be good.

[Moondance]

Hi Sanmagic7- I hope you don't get any ash either and that the smoke clears up soon.  It's been pretty awful with fires this year.

Yes the past week I've been extremely tired but yes I always feel so tired - some times are worse than others. All to say I agree it's not something that will go away - part of day to day life.

 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
I hope that you are staying safe with the weather and heat, and I also hope that you are enjoying watching some tennis.
Sending you a hug - 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

moondance, i believe you're correct - tired is now normal. it may always have been that way for me, at least as an adult, but i covered it up w/ substances, and i don't use them anymore, so my true self can make itself heard.  thanks for that big hug. 

hope, so far so good w/ the heat, altho another wave is upon us starting tomorrow.  hopefully that will be the last of it till next summer.  and, yes, i have been enjoying tennis. the u.s. open starts next week.  there's some great tennis being played, i've got a new fav player, and it's both relaxing and on the edge exciting at times.  thanks for remembering! 

talked w/ my T about what's going on w/ me, i've spoken about it already, but won't go into details anymore cuz it really brought me down yesterday. talked about how my eating has gotten so out of control and she reminded me about the amount of stress i'm carrying. i told her i didn't even think of that, cuz i've been carrying stress for so long that i hardly notice it day to day, only when my body acts up do i know i'm overstressed.

but, full-on stress is my normal, has been for quite some time, decades.  anyway, giving me the stress card to play helped me not be so hard on myself for something i was doing that i know a lot of the answers to (dang, i wrote a book on it!) but i guess i lost my knowledge when it came to me.  it's like i can spot this stuff in clients, but i can't be my own therapist cuz my vision is clogged w/ my own crapola.

it was very disheartening, however, to realize the solid reasons i have for being over-stressed. she said we basically can't do any processing of it cuz it's all real and in the present.  i felt out of it when the session was over and had a lovely anxiety attack last nite.

that was something else i brought up was the feeling i'm getting now when my D goes to her room for the night. once she leaves, i feel like everything gets sucked out of me and i'm a shell. none of me is left. it's been disconcerting to feel that.

this is all too much.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
That's a lot, and I'm sorry you're feeling disheartened.  I hope you don't mind my commenting that I also felt frustrated that your T said she couldn't do any processing with you because things are 'all real and in the present' - I would think that things in the real and the present can also be processed too? 

I had therapy a long time back, and remember my T talking about rituals being safe and grounding, and it made me wonder whether there might be some kind of protective comforting thing you could think to do, when your D goes to her room for the night, that could involve you really feeling some cosiness to replace the feeling of being a shell.  Maybe having a cuddly toy to hold, or a blanket and hot chocolate (or other comforting thing).  I don't know, and I apologise for suggesting things here, but I really feel like you need a hug of comfort and safety at the moment, and I care about you. 
Hope 

[Armee]

Such a disconcerting feeling. I had that feeling once and it was a terrifying feeling. I felt like I was floating away with no anchor on my walk to the train station for work. I am usually very independent but NEEDED to see my H or it felt like i was just going to untether from earth. I walked quickly to the local coffee shop instead of the train station just praying that he would be there at the same time getting a cup of coffee before work. He was there. I hugged him for dear life and almost burst into tears. It felt like I was going to die if I didn't find him.

I am not needy but that feeling I imagine is a bit like what you feel when your daughter goes to her room and it is an awful feeling San. I don't know why it happens but it sucks. Would a photo help? Maybe taken from her doorway of her in her room as a visual reminder she's right there? Or a string under the door if she's willing?

 

The stuff is real but I wonder if flash wouldn't help anyway? There's something of a tapping into epiphanies with emdr that allows things to settle.

I remember one day I could not tell my T about really horrific nightmares. They were too unspeakable even compared to what I've told him about other things. I could not even hint here at what they were. He suggested flash and within a couple rounds I felt deep inside I could tell him and he was safe even though before starting there was no way.

So I wonder if flash might help soften the fear even as the thing itself is real and scary? In the end I trust you and your Ts instinct so just a thought to mull but I don't mean you SHOULD do this. Just I personally wonder.

I hope I didn't veer too much into advice. I do hate to see you suffer.