I inadvertently repeated history

[Denali]

I met my children's dad (now ex) when I was 20. I believe most abusive spouses don't show their dark side until they feel they've trapped you.

There were some signs after we moved in together. I was afraid to try making it on my own. I almost left, but I couldn't find my smokes so I went back upstairs.

About a year later we decided to have a child. After the baby was born he started getting weird.

I would take the baby to visit family and friends and he would accuse me of cheating. At one point I made a sarcastic reply because of the absurdity.

When the baby was a year old, we moved close to his mother. However, I was farther away from the people I knew.

I also realized he was a mean alcoholic. There was a lot of fights. Then he started messing with my head. He'd start a fight and while I was angry, he would go to another room. Then reappear and say I must be bipolar. He was being cool and I'm not acting normal. I did catch on eventually. I was infuriated.

One fight got a little out of hand. I was going to get a restraining order. I didn't because I didn't want my young child to grow up in a broken home. I truly believed I was doing the right thing.

I had 2 more children. I matured a lot though. I raised my children and tried to get my life in order. The ex tried sabotaging all my efforts to get on my feet.

He chose to make it difficult for me to leave instead of being a better man.

I did come to realize I married a person just like the main abuser I had to live with as a child.

I tried sticking out for my children. One night I reached a breaking point and I had to go. My only regret is I didn't have the means to take my children.

Despite all his b s., I refused to give up my rights to my children. I have a good relationship with them.

I always have my guard up when I have to interact with their dad. For now, I'm just patiently waiting for the day I don't have to interact with him.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry. That must have been so hard for you.

From what I read, many of us gravitate towards the familiar. We have never been taught how to manage our own selves or our emotions so it is hard to see the red flags. Especially if, as in my case, you have not yet come to realise the first abuser even was an abuser.

My first husband had all sorts of mental problems and was addicted to drugs and alcohol. I think he quite possibly was an actual psychopath. I still cannot work out if he abused me and if he did I think it was not deliberate on his part. He certainly used me, and he did not take any care of me. Nevertheless, I was completely in love with him. Fortunately I realised quite soon that I had to leave him for my own wellbeing.

My current husband has several traits that remind me of my mother. It is something I have great difficulty with as he inadvertently triggers a lot of EFs for me.

[Denali]

Thank you for sharing, NK. I'm sorry to hear about your first husband being so awful. Also that your current husband causes EFs.

I was aware that anti-mom did abuse me and she is not part of my life. As for the ex, he had a good game when we met. He likes to show the outer world what a great guy he is. He was looking to control someone. He thought I'd be an easy target because he was aware I was abused.

I have a wonderful boyfriend now. Sometimes, I have to let him know some things trigger me.

I think having been through so much trauma being triggered sometimes feels inevitable.

[Kizzie]

That was and is a lot to deal with Denali, I'm so sorry for what you've endured. 

I so agree that even non-abusive people can sometimes trigger us inadvertently.  Glad to hear you speak up about it because loved ones and others don't often know unless and until we tell them what our world was and is like. 

I tell my H when something he says or does triggers me, just easier that way if he knows and understands it really isn't him per se, but something from my past that has become a trigger whenever he or anyone else does it.

For example I have quite a hair trigger startle response and would often jump and let out a scream if he came into a room and I didn't hear him coming.  We figured out it was mostly when he would come up or down the carpeted stairs so we bought two little bells and they are positioned at the top and bottom of the stairs for him to ring so now I hear him.

[Denali]

Thank you, Kizzie. I like your solution to prevent being startled.

It took awhile for me to learn to explain to him about being triggered. Unfortunately, I used to just get angry and irritable.

[Kizzie]

We both tended to get irritable too before we figured out we needed to work with my symptoms rather than be angry or frustrated. It's much better now that I feel like I can explain what's going on and he accepts it's the trauma.