A severe case of the panics

[Liliuokalani]

My inner critic is very much one of perfectionism. But it is also all about panicking. I have had terrors seemingly all my academic career that anything I do wrong is going to affect my chances of having a successful career as a future doctor for the rest of my life. I had it pretty badly in high school, feeling that any Advanced Placement test I didn't do well on would decrease my chances of getting into a good medical school and I spent all hours trying to up my GPA and make myself look good, but being quite timid, I was not competitive enough to argue my grades higher and be in the top 10. I was only in the top 5%. Oh darn. Just kidding.

Ok, and then came college and I just kinda barely hung on. I was totally catastrophizing everything. Part of that was my inner critic. But guess what? I also had my mom "checking in on me" over the phone every weekend, and I am not even exaggerating, nearly every single phone call my mom told me that since I was going to get a C in my freshman chemistry class I might as well give up any chances of getting into medical school. Every. Time. For one C! Well, then other C's followed, and I was genuinely studying my * off, and getting mediocre grades. I was freaking out inside. All the time.

And in medical school, it turns out there are a whole lot of people just like me. Every little thing that goes on, people tell me, "well you better do perfectly on this or if you don't take a test by this time you better kiss residency goodbye." Every student I know has this mindset about everything that counts toward residency. Because we're all freaking out about it together. And that's NOT HELPING MY INNER CRITIC!

I don't know how to stop freaking out! I tried to cancel my exam time just now because I got an email saying an earlier spot became available and the two minutes it took me to get on the website was apparently long enough for the spot to be taken and then I was left without a test spot. AND I PANICKED. I didn't throw things or anything, but the very first thing that jumped into my head was, oh my god, I'm going to take this test way to late and never become a resident.

Everything I read says I still have plenty of time to take this exam. That I should do it at the very latest in October, which is a long time from now and there are plenty of spots open until then. And people freak out and cancel their exams all the time, so spots always open up for a very short period of time. But then I can hear other students in my ear, oh no you have to do it earlier or it won't show up on your initial application and then no one will want to interview you! I don't think that's quite accurate. I think mostly our counselors spread this rumor because usually no one really cared too much about this particular part of the board exam, and then one person failed and did it too late to retake it, so this rumor is spreading that you will be doomed if you don't take this exam like six months earlier.

I don't know who to believe. I don't know how important it will be to take this exam at a specific time. And I get so much confusing and contradicting advice that I have no idea whether or not I SHOULD freak out. This fear of the unknown. It's awful.

So what if I take the wrong advice and make a poor decision and I don't match into a residency? What if I never do? This just freaks me out all the time. It's like something constantly nagging in the back of my mind. What if? What if? This catastrophizing and uncertainty is driving me nuts. If I knew the right way to go, I'd feel more comfortable. If I knew who to believe, I'd feel better. But deep deep inside, something is just telling me that things just kind of work themselves out in the end and I'll be just fine.

But I DON'T WANT TO TRUST THAT VOICE. I feel like that was my original voice. I remember, in elementary school, we used to have numbers instead of letter grades. It was much more relaxed. I didn't really care about my grades. Don't get me wrong, I was still very competitive, very much a perfectionist. But I would really procrastinate projects and just not care. School felt more enjoyable. There wasn't this extreme freakout happening that started being embedded in me when my mom started ingraining it in me. She was a perfectionist and accepts nothing lower than high A's. She was always a top student in nursing school. So she expects that from me. And her doctor dad expected that from her. Because if you aren't freaking out about your grade, you aren't doing it right.

What would happen if I just relaxed about it? Would I do better? Is it worth the risk to chill out and experiment and see if things improve, or will my delicately balanced world just crumble and I'll really mess up and never match? I feel like maybe if I chilled out a bit and not obsess over when I need to take exams, maybe things would be ok. I don't ever seeing myself chill out so much that I lose all motivation and do badly. But I don't know if I trust myself that much.

And this is just a small portion of the massive inner dialogue that no amount of meditation and yoga and self help books seems to SHUT UP. I will drill a hole in my brain! Just kidding. But seriously...

[Widdiful Falling]

You asked a good question in there. What will happen if you make a poor decision and don't match into a residency? People make mistakes all the time. A thousand people before you probably did the same thing. Ask them. Educate yourself about your options if the worst really does come to pass. That way, even if you start catastrohizing, you'll have a plan for the worst-case scenario. Personally, I find having a plan takes the edge off.