New and relating

[Papa Coco]

Moondance

Thank you for sharing so openly with us these difficult stories of your upbringing. Nothing was triggering for me, but it is all very upsetting, as none of it should have ever happened. I'm extremely glad to read that you have found a trauma-wise therapist now, and I hope you and she are able to stay together for the long run.

I'm even more glad now that you found this forum. It's a safe place for you to share in the compassion and camaraderie with people who know the sting of betrayal by family, friends, clergy and people of authority.

None of that should have happened to you, nor to any of us. I can't believe the unimaginable cruelty that this world can deliver. But at the same time, there is abounding love and compassion also. As victims of the cruelty, we can find strength when we walk our paths together. I'm glad you found this forum. I'm glad I found it. I'm glad all of us found it, because being alone with the traumas is the hardest part. Being able to share and comfort each other makes all of us stronger.

For me, C-PTSD is like AA recovery. I am learning to take life day by day. One day at a time. I find ways to get through each day. I check in with the forum the same way I can check in with AA group. I find the same strength in my sharing with my fellow trauma survivors as I do with my fellow recovering addicts. We're here for each other and that means the world to me. We can't undo what was done, but we can send safe, nonsexual, virtual hugs to each other, and help get each other through another long day or another sleepless night.

We're stronger together.

[Blueberry]

I'm so sorry, Moondance, what a list of traumatising experiences! I totally agree with Armee, that was CSA when you were 13. Definitely.

I'm so glad for you that you are one of the people who's managed to find a trauma-informed T and get LTD. I have, I guess, the equivalent of SSDI (I'm not in the US) and have had it now for about 20 years. You're not alone in being unable to work. As a previous mbr used to say, cptsd is a beast. Can be debilitating right across the board in our lives. Things can and do get better and this forum is a great place to experience that. I notice it in other mbrs, they notice it in me and tell me.

I really get your aversion to 'should'!

I also have a long road of healing behind me, years and years of therapy. You're not alone there either. May I offer you a safe, gentle, virtual 

You wonder if your post was triggering. On here, people get triggered by different things, even a simple word can set some of us off. So it's difficult to avoid completely. You didn't go into huge detail so that's helpful in not triggering people. But just as a very minor gentle suggestion: it would have helped me to see Trigger Warning written out (so not just TW) in the text as well, not just in the subject line. Or if you write just TW then add *** either side of it so that it stands out: *** TW ***. That might be scary to do? You don't want to stand out, or don't want your post to stand out, maybe? An additional helpful possibility is to create a bit of space like 10 - 20 lines between the Trigger Warning and your actual text so that my eye (or someone else's eye) doesn't automatically see the triggering stuff anyway. I'm trying to say this very gently because you are new on here and how could you possibly have known all this? You couldn't have. I'm impressed you even asked/hoped you didn't trigger anybody. 

[Moondance]

Thank you Papa Coco and Blueberry for your responses. I really appreciate your honesty, thoughtfulness, gentle and caring, and supportive responses. I sincerely appreciate it. 

Safe Virtual hugs to you both if okay, if not that is okay.

Blueberry, I really appreciate and thank you for your suggestions regarding TW.  I will definitely incorporate them next time. I was able to take it in as intended, gentle guidance. And I'm pretty sure I got the "shouldn't" thing from your posts, lol.  Strongly related to that!

We have all been through so much, and hopefully, we will all continue to recover, heal, and have moments (hopefully much more than that) of peace/joy/happiness. 

When I shared / typed out these stories, it was from my head, and most often, it is.  This morning, I woke up feeling so sad for that little girl, sad that she wasn't protected, cherished, valued, esteemed, supported.

I do understand that they, my parents, did the best they could with what they had as they were trauma survivors as well. 

 

[Blueberry]

I'm sad for little Moondance too.

Understanding cognitively that your parents did what they could for you under their own burdens doesn't lessen the pain imho and it doesn't give little Moondance the support she needs and deserves. I'm not criticising your cognitive realisations at all! But just saying what you probably know already all on your own that cognitive stuff doesn't reach and heal the trauma. 

btw I'm fine with hugs, thank you for yours to me.

[Moondance]

Thank you Blueberry and  to you.

[Papa Coco]

Hi Moondance,

Yes, as far as I'm concerned, virtual hugs are not only okay, but I like receiving them. Somehow, I can feel the energy behind them. Here's a safe, respectful virtual hug for you in return. 

Also, yeah: I've come to a similar realization with my traumatized parents. Dad lost his right arm in WWII in what is called the bloodiest battle of the entire war. At 10 years of age, Mom spent a full year dying of kidney disease in a hospital. On several occasions she got to the brink of death, but somehow recovered to live her life in a state of constant anxiety and fear. It's taken me many years to feel that I have finally forgiven them for what they did to me. What helped me reach forgiveness was learning that just because I let them off the hook, it doesn't mean I have to pretend I wasn't traumatized by their actions and selfishness also.  I can still identify them as the roots of my trauma, but I no longer have to hate them for it.

Before realizing this, I couldn't forgive them because I felt like it would mean I'd have to pretend I wasn't damaged. Disconnecting my own trauma disorders from theirs has allowed me to forgive them without minimizing what they did to me. They did what they did because bad happened to them too. I still have the right to respect the damage that was done to me also.

[Moondance]

  Back at you, Papa Coco. Thank you!

Thank you again for sharing and for who you are right at this very moment. I go back and forth still with forgiveness. My head understands they did as best they could but sometimes, especially in the throws of CPTSD which feels like all the time these days I still blame them and think to myself "some people  really should not ever procreate".   Strong but how i feel about it.  Neither of my Parents have ever taken any responsibility for their part in what happened to any of us and this continues to really bother me (makes me angry and more often now really sad).  I guess I could consider this to be a trigger but it hadn't occurredto me til just now; whenever someone shares or I hear someone take responsibility for something they did, in particular in a parent/child relationship I get uncontrollable emotions come up.  It touches a place that is so raw and wounded.

I have been reading many posts, and yours included and continue to relate so much with much of what is shared.  It's a really good thing for me. I am learning and identifying.  I "should" start writing the things I am indenting with down because there is so much that i wasn't even aware of, but will I?   I do have a tendency to do things obsessively - there seems to be no rhyme or reason to my day.

Wherever you are at today Papa Coco, I support you.

[Papa Coco]

Moondance, I certainly relate to all your comments about "how we are today." Everything I said about how I've forgiven my parents is true....most of the time. But like you, there are days when I hate them again.  There are days when I can't remember the past, then days when I can't forget it. I appreciate the way you write, and how you are so aware that we bounce around from day to day. Your final closing statement is really good for me to read: Wherever you are today, I support you.  I am inspired to put that last statement up on the wall over my computer desk so I see it each day and remember that from day to day I have the right to be in different moods.



Thanks!  AND wherever you are today, Moondance, I support you too.

[Moondance]

 

Thank you Papa Coco for your response.



Thank you for the validation, really appreciated.

I had a restless sleep last night, over thinking. First thing I did this morning was remove my story as it felt to much was shared.  I do this too much and have done this over sharing too much which puts me in a "weak" position. Why so many details? Geez. 

I feel better for removing it.

I should do the same PC, great idea  - post that somewhere I can see it throughout the day,
Wherever you are today Moondance I support you. 

[Papa Coco]

Moondance,

I can't count how many times I've posted something and then got so anxiety-ridden that I deleted it.

I think you'll hear that from a lot of people.

I respect your anxiety. I know it's common for us to want to share, and then feel trauma-induced terror after sharing, then rescuing ourselves by deleting. If the anxiety is too high, then it's good you deleted it. But my guess is that if you had not deleted it, you may have been surprised and delighted at the immense compassion the other members of the forum would have sent to you.

YOU come first. If it's too tender to post, I absolutely respect that. The ability to delete posted threads makes this forum feel even safer for me. Other platforms, like Gmail and texting are irreversible. They feel much more dangerous.  Your comfort and feeling of safety need to come first. I'm glad you posted and I'm glad you deleted and I'm glad you are glad you deleted.  If that makes any sense at all.

Many of us had our personal boundaries trampled by a very cruel world, and had all of our personal power taken away by people who should have been trustworthy. So, no one here on this forum needs to feel afraid to delete any anxiety-producing posts if it makes us each feel better.

I'm sending another hug. They're safe, because they're virtual. 

[Moondance]

 



Thank you so much!

[Moondance]

I started a journal called "Finding my Feelings."  I have no idea whether I will be able to keep it up or not.

My mantra for myself will be "You are valued as you are today".  And try to keep the negative thoughts/ beliefs at bay after saying it. 

Each of YOU is valued as you are today. Thank you to everyone for being here and working through this horrific stuff that was done to us. 

[Armee]

 

Thank you for bringing so much wisdom to the forums. Deeply grateful for you here.

It's totally OK and normal to delete posts or feel like we shared too much. Share what you want, when you want, delete things, whatever you need.

[Moondance]

 

Hi Armee,



Wow all I can is thank you Armee.  That is difficult for me to internalize -  your kind words are appreciated. 

Thanks for the validation / encouragement to accept where I'm at   

[natureluvr]

Moondance, you said

"I had a restless sleep last night, over thinking. First thing I did this morning was remove my story as it felt to much was shared.  I do this too much and have done this over sharing too much which puts me in a "weak" position. Why so many details? Geez." 

I relate to this so much!  I can't tell you how many times I have overshared, and then regretted it later.  When I was reading your thread, I realized that I had missed your story, and I surmised that you had later deleted the post, and I was correct.  I feel very validated to realize that I'm not the only one who overshares, and then I feel overly exposed, and then feel anxious because I may have put myself in a vulnerable position.  And, speaking only for myself, many times I have shared my vulnerabilities to the wrong people, and ended up getting judged, or talked down to, or taken advantage of.  Like Papa Coco said in his response "Many of us had our personal boundaries trampled by a very cruel world".  Yes, indeed. 

Moondance, I relate so much to you and your story.  I'm very thankful that you are here, and that the rest of you are here, as well.  I hope to find more time to participate in this forum. 

Virtual safe hugs to you.