Compassion4all's journal

[compassion4all]

I am currently in a state of transition. I'm in between jobs and have decided to move from the west coast back to the east coast of the US. I have been on the west coast for over 30 years. Not sure how all of this is going to work logistically at this point. I am just putting one foot in front of the other and acting as if there are answers to how this will work but I just don't know what they are yet. This is new for me. I am remembering Wayne Dyer's book "I'll see it when I believe it".  I keep reminding myself that I don't have to have all the answers in order to move forward. I am reminding myself that the unknown is only scary if I choose to make it so in my mind. I am reminding myself that all humans, regardless of their background, are innately resistant to change and find it uncomfortable. Wow - the feelings I'm experiencing are like, normal???  Cool!    (though I do believe "normal" is way overrated...). I guess I am giving myself a pat on the back because I am choosing to believe that somehow the universe has my back and everything will work out.

There are definitely moments, though, when I need to remind myself of the above. I have learned that living in a fear free world is a choice and making the transition from constantly being afraid (but never sure exactly why) to living relatively fear free involves constantly monitoring my feelings, questioning them, validating them, soothing them, then choosing to create "new neural pathways" over and over and over and over again. It's a full time job, but it works.

I used to unconsciously seek that validation externally. When I found over and over that wasn't the answer, I then went to the opposite extreme of "I don't need anybody! People suck!".  I guess I was angry at others for accurately mirroring my dysfunctional behavior and decided it was just easier not to deal with people at all. Wrong answer.  It's probably safe to say that my healing began when I stopped blaming others and began taking a look at myself, but very importantly, looking at myself through a compassionate lens vs. listening to my inner critic. I guess that's why I chose my name here. Compassion was key to my healing journey. There is still a scared child inside me who asks "But, what about this....and what about that...and what about that over there..." but I now have learned to recognize that part of me, and then access my new parent voice that will not necessarily have answers but just show up and allow myself to feel whatever I'm feeling. I continually relearn how to trust my own emotions and not shame myself for having them by "imagining" a loving parent who understands and accepts me exactly how I am. Pretty soon that "imaginary parent" becomes you. I guess in the same way that a mother or father says that parenting is a full time job, so is creating my new inner parent. I need to access that part of me every step of the way.

I guess in summary: I am at the beginning of a new chapter, I am not sure where it will take me, I feel some fear but I have developed tools to help mitigate that fear and I think it's more exciting than scary. This particular journey may take a while and I will give myself the time and support that I need as things unfold. That is what progress looks like and today I celebrate that and wish the same for others.

[Papa Coco]

What a great post.  You have got a lot of really good thoughts going. I like your reason for choosing your name, and for no longer blaming others for your inner states of mind. It's uplifting to read, and there's good in your post for me to listen to and learn from.

Also, a very close friend of my wife's just left the West Coast for the East Coast, which is where she was born. She also hadn't been back in over 25 years. She has reported back to us that she is very happy. She can afford rent. She can work in better stores. Her kids are all finding work. I sincerely hope your transition is at least as fruitful as hers has been. If it's where your heart is leading you, then it's exactly where you need to be. The best thing we humans can do for our own happiness is follow our hearts.

I'm inspired by this post. Thanks for sharing it where I could read it.

Good luck and congratulations on these epiphanies that you're sharing here.

[Mandox]

Thank you for this positive post.  It's good to hear a reminder that this full time job of trying to care for ourselves, which can be utterly exhausting if it's only about managing fear all the time and the tug of war with inner/o. critic, can also be rewarding if done with loving kindness, understanding and compassion.  I suppose it's a bit like being an actual parent, which I am not, but they are the words I wish I could have applied to my biological ones .  Very good luck with your move and transition both geographical and in your onward journey of recovery. 

[compassion4all]

Thank you both for your good wishes and comments.

Papa Coco - re: "Thanks for sharing it where I could read it".  I decided to post here after reading a reply of yours where you mentioned that you focused on this section mainly. I too was finding all the sections and grouping of topics confusing to navigate so thank you. Posting mainly in one place makes more sense.  So...thank you!

Good to hear about your wife's friend. I grew up on the east coast as well. With the exception of snow (nothing is perfect), there are many things about the east coast that I have always missed and look forward to experiencing full time again.  I have two cats and I think that will my biggest challenge. How the heck do I move them from here to there?  The answer will reveal itself in time... (1st I need to find the answer to where will I work, and where will I live...just minor concerns...lol).

@Mandox:  I am not a parent either so I never benefited from having that "parental instinct" kick in. The beauty of imagining your parent is that you truly get to imagine this inner parent to be exactly who you want that parent to be/perhaps exactly who your real parent wasn't. It doesn't matter how old you are. We all need a wise inner parent. I think this is a little bit like "Be the change you seek".  I notice the lack of compassion in the world, so I choose to be more compassionate to myself. I see the lack of love in the world, so I choose to be more loving to myself.  The saying "charity starts in the home" is relevant since, as you may have found, once you start treating yourself better, you naturally start treating others better. 
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I should probably always add a disclaimer that, having these insights and having made this progress doesn't mean that I am saying that any of this is or has been easy. I think the reason I want to share them here is that i understand through first hand experience what it feels like to be out in the world without a clue, full of fear and extremely uncomfortable emotions that I couldn't always control. It was like I was split into two (though I am a Gemini  ). There is my reasonable, intellectual side that is smart and can navigate fairly well and then my emotional side that was constantly triggered but never sure why. I couldn't trust myself at all. I didn't understand myself at all.  I never thought I would be able to change at all. I was a prisoner of my own emotions. I only knew they were strong but I didn't know how they could ever change.  I am still in awe that they did change. When I read the pain that others are experiencing I understand it, remember going through very, very similar circumstances, having very similar beliefs about myself and strongly believing there was no reason to hope that I had the capacity to change or get better. I guess I am here to say, if I can change, anyone can change. No matter how dark it may seem - we all can change. There is always hope for all of us.

I can imagine that if you are "in it" right now, the above might all sound very nice and neat but miss the mark. Remember that if you are "in it" right now, congratulate yourself since "the only way out is through..."

[Mandox]

Thanks, Compassion, (hope its okay to shorten your name to that)  Your post is really refreshing !  The more our hearts open from our symptoms, the more healing we can let it.  Letting go is hard isn't it, because our survival tactics are enmeshed.  It's hard to imagine who we will be without them.   One thing I know for sure, dropping some old ways of being can only be good for me.