Eerie Anne's Journal

[Eireanne]

My observation has been that a person (guy, girl, whatever) will think of any excuse (no matter how trivial) as a reason to not speak to them again.  oh, I don't like your hair, or you're too short/tall/thin/small breasted/tall/fat/big breasted/too religious/not religious enough/too much hair/not enough hair/etc. And it could be one thing the other person is lacking...the wrong level of education, socio-economic status, car (or lack thereof) and suddenly the potential to find out anything about that person is gone. I've never understood that. I tend to overlook most things...but I started thinking...at what point is it OK to mention to another person, "hey, I don't really care for *this* about you" without coming off as insensitive? 

I get into a state of consciousness where certain things that had been eluding me find its way to the surface, and I long to have someone to be able to share that experience with. I want someone to be so keenly interested in me that making that depth of a connection was something that they were interested in doing, not just as an obligation, but knowing that those are the moments to me at least that make me feel like I'm in a partnership with someone who wanted to see my authentic self, because that is the intimacy I crave that if received I think I could truly blossom...not just for how I made them feel about themselves. So, in this coming year, I'm trying to learn how to be that person for myself. Which is quite challenging...it means having to rewire some deeply rooted beliefs.

I was listening to a Ted Talk, and she said, "as long as you focus on what it is that actually matters structures will cease to be relevant and your ripple will flow resistance free and take all kinds of shapes that you would not even have imagined" - and I think that is what I meant.  Everything will fall into place if it was meant to be. I'm not stressing about the details right now. My focus is on me, and fully knowing what it is I want before I'm able to present it to someone else and say, "are you able to fill this role for me?" Currently, I realize I'm uninterested in meeting anyone else's needs before my own basic ones are met.

I assume I'll forever be a work in progress, I'm just hoping I'll eventually connect with someone that is genuinely interested in being a part of that...not just someone who feels obligated to listen. Not sure if that makes sense...most of my thoughts rarely make sense to others, but I think it's because I have a hard time explaining...even when I think I've made myself perfectly clear, other people filter what I say through their own perceptions and most times comprehension is lost somewhere in between.

[Eireanne]

Worry – when do you worry? When a situation is occurring and a similar situation occurred in the past, which didn't turn out well, and you aren't clear on what steps you need to take to prevent the same thing happening again, like you look back and it's not obvious, Oh, if I had only done this differently, so when this happens again, next time I'm going to do THIS – only you're never clear what this is, and the more you try to prevent the outcome from occurring, you seem to be careening down the same path.  Then you worry that thinking about how to solve the problem from happening is causing a self-fulfilling prophesy, and everyone tells you you overthink things, so how to stop thinking?

"Almost everything you worry about happening never has happened" actually, everything I worry about HAS happened, is continuing to happen and I can't figure out how to CHANGE things.

They aren't negative THOUGHTS, they are negative things that have actually OCCURRED

My biggest issues are financial insecurity, feeling trapped in an inability to communicate effectively and not having anyone that has the time to help me verbalize these issues that weigh on my mind and grief over the non-stop losses that I experience. 

[sanmagic7]

i hear you, EA.  love and hugs

[Eireanne]

https://youtube.com/shorts/Yix441VJ350?feature=share

[Eireanne]

.

[Armee]

 

[Eireanne]

to San and Armee - thank you for the hugs as I continue to dig through the stored things in my computer and memories...

[Eireanne]

.

[sanmagic7]

it is indeed frustrating, EA, and i can relate. too many times things come out of my mouth before i can catch them, or the opposite - i can't say what i mean because my thoughts don't coagulate into words. and, i am on the edge of the spectrum, so i can see how that has affected me and my ability to communicate at times.  i'm better at writing, where i can take my time to think about what i want to say and how i want to say it. 

i watched that little video about empaths, and it made sense that they are attuned to what they perceive as the most dangerous thing in the room. i think her advice was a bit simplistic.  it's easy for anyone to tell us 'you need to do this or change that' but putting it into practice can be a whole 'nother can of worms. i guess it's why i don't usually look to online 'gurus'. it makes me feel uncomfortable rather than encouraged.

it's amazing all the info you've gathered.  gives me something to think about, and put into concrete realizations. love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi Eireanne,
I agree with SanMagic that it is amazing all the info you've gathered.  It also gives me things to think about. 

I also relate to finding it easier sometimes to write things down, than say them.  I rarely say things aloud or communicate them that way, but writing - it does help.

 
Hope 

[Eireanne]

.

[Eireanne]

.

[Eireanne]

.

[Eireanne]

.

[Eireanne]

.