Considering No Contact with sister

[compassion4all]

I need to go no contact with my sister.

There are things that are true about our relationship and there is a part of me that doesn't want to believe them. I need to believe them.

My sister doesn't support me
She doesn't know how to. She hasn't done the work. She is quite comfortable where she is in her life and doesn't believe that there is any reason for her to learn/grow/change. I can't take this personally. She can't support me because she doesn't support herself and she has no awareness of that.

My sister's personality eerily mirrors my fathers
NPD

I have good reason to believe that she actively is triangulating with my other siblings against me.
That sounds paranoid, right? But little things are starting to add up. I should have done the math a long time ago. I am not sure but I believe that my healing is a threat to her and I think her way of coping is to make me "the bad guy".  In the past, rather than believing that, I would have immediately blamed myself, i.e. "There must be something wrong with me if she is doing that. I must just be a bad person, I guess I deserve it...".  I still feel bad believing this, but more because it is incredibly sad that the world is the way it is, and that when you heal, it can be a very lonely place to be (again, very grateful for finding this forum). As I heal and forgive myself, it is hard to accept that others are not able or willing to grow with me.

Whenever I speak to her, afterward I feel....many things, mostly negative/uncomfortable...
..confused by her...mistrustful of her....abandoned by her....pity for her... The strongest thing that I feel is a sense of vulnerability. I think she will most likely twist something I say. All of what I feel comes from my gut. I used to ignore my gut. I am learning not to but my logical brain still tries to intervene by saying "But, there is nothing concrete here, you need factual, provable evidence". To that I will finally say: That is the biggest bunch of bs I have ever heard. My gut knows more than I do. My gut knows things that my brain hasn't been able to process/articulate yet.  Recently I was going through the motions on something I was telling myself I needed to do but my heart wasn't completely into it and nothing was accomplished. I later learned why my heart wasn't into it once my brain processed/articulated it.  My gut knew something that I hadn't fully processed yet and was letting me know ahead of time what was what.

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I guess this is about letting go. Accepting that some people do not want to heal and don't care about my journey, even if they were in the same boat and were abused along with me. I can't help her. She doesn't believe she needs it. She would rather take a pill than work on what causes her anxiety. More importantly, if I don't let go and continue to have contact, I am only providing supply that will be used against me somehow. I can no longer pretend that I'm tough enough to take it. I'm not and I will honor and protect that part of me that is and will always be vulnerable (just getting smarter).

This is also about trust. I guess I have a hard time saying "I don't trust xxx". I think it's because I know that trust is an issue that I need to work on so by admitting that I don't trust someone I am saying "I am a mistrustful person" and that doesn't sit well with me? Does that even make sense?  I don't like the idea of mistrusting anyone so I choose to overlook the reasons I shouldn't trust someone. Interesting....I've never thought about trust in that way before, but I realize I do have a tendency to not believe that a person shouldn't be trusted, even when they show me reasons not to (though recently my ex tried to hoover me in with an invitation to go on a trip but I politely declined. I may be a fool, but I'm not a damn fool!! lol). In general though, it feels better for me to be trusting so I choose to not see what is in front of me. I can think of a lot of people/situations where if I had just made a decision up front to not trust based on the information I had, I would have averted trouble. I think I just had a breakthrough!   

Takeaway: I feel better about myself when I choose to trust people, even when it is not in my best interest to do so. This is illogical (and many other things) so I am going to choose to not trust people as appropriate and feel even better about my growing ability to protect myself, even if the people I am not trusting are closely related to me.

The human brain/psyche is complicated, eh? 

[Armee]

Trusting ourselves when we pick up on these games without "proof" we are right can be tough but with practice it gets easier. Keep going trusting yourself. I had a hard time picking up on my mom's lies and games. My sister picked up on them as a young kid, I didn't learn how to until about a year before her death. It was a relief to know and trust myself without proof, it lessened the psychological torture of dealing with people like that.

And you're right too we can't force others to see or want to heal or be ready to. I think my sister in law started to heal before I was ready and she wanted to talk to me about it and it was very threatening to me and all I could do was avoid her or those conversations because psychologically I wasn't ready. But it sounds like in addition to not being ready to heal your sister is also actively harming you,  and putting your needs first becomes really important.

Hugs to you as you come to terms with what you need to do. 

[dollyvee]

Hey compassion4all,

I read through your post and it sounds very valid to me. I think I've been through a very similar thought process and this might be because I also have NPD in the family. I was told growing up by my uNPD grandmother that I'm too nice and trusting (my chiropractor actually said this to me this week and it sent me into a bit of a spin), but whenever I raised a flag or asserted a boundary in the family (ie trusting my intuition), I was told in someway how that was wrong. Over time I'm coming to see that I was conditioned out of trusting my intuition. It has been a lot easier in the past for me to trust people too, even though I think I knew something was off. For me, I think that comes from being dependent on my NPD family for safety as a child and thinking I had to not trust myself or go along with them because if I didn't I wouldn't survive etc (annihilation anxiety). I really think this has a big impact on my view of the world and if I'm going to be "safe" in it or not, and is something I'm still working on.

The hard part too with covert narcissism is that it's very difficult to pin down. I'm really not used to having other people "prove" themselves to me, or taking my time (it's usually all or nothing but getting better recently) because I guess a part of me thinks that I don't deserve that. I was never allowed to "take up space" for things like that, other people were always better, I was told (implicitly) that my grandmother/family knew better etc. Perhaps saying/thinking that you're a mistrustful person is a way of gaslighting yourself, a learned behaviour because you weren't allowed to do those things?

It sounds like you're doing a good job of navigating these things for yourself and wanted to send some support,
dolly

[Kizzie]

I went NC with my uPDB several years ago because within minutes of being around him I would feel ill, angry, frustrated, gaslighted, the list goes on... It was really the only choice I had because like most N's he did not have the capacity for self-reflection hence no desire to change. He just didn't see that anything was wrong with him.  Same for the rest of my FOO - M, F and him.  I don't know how I escaped having NPD but I did and on the one hand I'm thankful but on the other I am left dealing with CPTSD and that is no picnic.

The bottom line IMO is you have enough to deal with what with having CPTSD so going NC with your S is taking your needs, your health and well-being into account and doing something to make life better for yourself no matter how difficult it may feel at first. For me it felt pretty good after a while - no guilt. 

Sending support too 

[compassion4all]

Thanks all. 

I live ~ 3000 miles away from my FOO and have so for the last 30 + years, so I have basically gone no contact to a large extent. I used to call them quite a bit but then once I started healing and realizing that we weren't on the same wavelength (and likely never would be) I stopped and have had minimal contact.  I am currently on the west coast in the US and they are on the east coast. I am planning on moving back to the east coast (though hours away from them) so I think the idea of even being within driving distance is bringing up feelings of "If I do see them, have I healed enough to be able to handle it?".  I do have the choice of not seeing them, but then I can't help but think that if I am healed, seeing them and not being phased is the goal. How can I do that if I avoid them?

This reminds me of a quote of  Ram Dass who said after he got back from wherever he had been meditating for months at a time where he felt clearer than he ever did in his life and felt very strong.  Upon his return to the US, after visiting his FOO he said "If you think you are enlightened, go and spend a week with your family". LOL. This is a good quote to remember if/when something happens where I might react in a way that I thought was hasty and not in line with "the work" I've been doing. 'Well, even Ram Dass found it difficult sometimes to keep it together....I am in good company".

I think I may give my sisters another chance, but if upon seeing them, my equilibrium and entire being feels off, rather than attributing those feelings as a sign that something is wrong with me (which I now realize I did in the past), I will respect that those feelings are only telling me to stay away and just accept they have chosen not to heal and there is nothing I can do about that.

[Kizzie]

Sounds like you've got this Compassion4all!   

I love that quote from Ram Dass and you're so right that we're in very good company if even he found it a strain