Something my therapist taught me that may be helpful

[Liliuokalani]

I have a strong inner critic. I mean I can tell it is really ingrained in there. Deep, deep within. The force is strong with it.

But my therapist did this exercise with me once and I want to do it with her again, or do it on my own sometime, develop it more. It probably already has a name and is probably identified on another part of this forum, but anyway here goes:

She had me think about my very first memory. I will go ahead and share it, I just remember this blurry image playing out like a TV screen. I never told anyone that I think this is my first memory, because my family usually brushes it off. My mom the ubpd ex-nurse says, oh you can't have memories until you're five anyway, it was probably just a dream. Recent science states that may not be true. But anyway, I digress. Just a little screw you to the developer of my inner critic, my extremely critical mom.

Anyway, in this memory, I'm crawling on the kitchen floor, I go over to the cat bowl, I pick up a piece of food, and put it in my mouth. My cat at the time walked over to me, sniffed my head, and walked away, probably a little confused.

It's pretty funny. And I did apparently eat cat food when I was little. I think my inner critic would immediately jump to the conclusion that I had brain damage as a baby. But my therapist said, wow, that says a lot about you.

It shows that you have many qualities that work well with being a doctor. It means that you are curious. You try new things. You have a scientific mind that tests things out. That means you're smart. These are some of your building blocks. These are the parts of you that were not yet influenced by your parents. And as you go through those early memories, you may discover more about who you really are.

At first I thought, this is stupid. I was just a baby eating cat food, that says nothing. But, weirdly enough, those positive thoughts just nestled in and stayed there. My therapist used this somewhat logical, scientific reasoning to prove to me that I'm kind of cool. And that this coolness is who I actually am. And when I get really stressed, sometimes this just pops into my head. I repeat the proof to myself. And I listened to that core person when she said, become a doctor, it will work for you. And maybe why, despite all of the things that all of my family has hurled at me to try to not get me to go through medical school, I ignored all of it, even when I felt it was wrong. There was some part of me, the real me, that was still there, screaming to get out. And that's pretty cool. And maybe that means I can trust myself. And maybe that means I make good decisions. And maybe that means, in the end, I'm going to be ok. And I deserve love. And I deserve happiness.

Just an interesting practice to try.

[Liliuokalani]

Thank you so much for your comments. Very kind.

I think the very best thing my therapist tells me, that I keep looking to hear from her every single time I meet with her, is that I am already ok. That I'm not destroying my life and the lives of those around me, and that my parents and unsupportive friends and family are mostly the people causing damage. Granted, I am making my life quite a bit harder by running through all these negative thoughts over and over. And it's really hard reprogramming that, especially since I need more positivity NOW while I'm trying to finish up medical school. But it's good to know that I'm a good person and I'm ok.

[Jdog]

Lili and BeHealrhy-

Thank you both for sharing this exchange.  For me, reaffirming that I am already ok takes daily effort and it is good to know I am not alone in needing to do this.  Also, I am reminded of interesting things that my parents told me about my actions as a child.  Not memories per se, but positive actions that turned out to be the seeds of qualities about which I am proud.  For example, I apparently did not talk much until I could form complete sentences.  Somewhat perfectionistic, for sure, but still a sign of intelligence and desire to challenge myself and go whole heartedly after a goal.

Best wishes, Lili, as you continue your confrontation with the inner critic.  You deserve to recognize the kernel of true goodness and success that has always been inside of you and grows even when you are not aware of its presence.