Miswired Circuits/Things That Spark

[Bach]

I'm feeling terribly insecure and unsafe today. I guess that's child me, and was probably triggered by the last-minute visit yesterday morning by my (half) sister, her kids and her mother. Nothing bad happened, it was fine, nice, blah blah, but it always brings stuff up. My sister always waits until the last minute to call me up and say "Hey, we're going to be in your area on our way to______, are you around?" And I always resent being an after thought but I suck it up and say Yes and the visit is always pleasant and it always kind of hollows out my soul just a little bit. Her mother (my stepmother) being along was rather a shock, I haven't seen her in probably five years. Lots of complicated history. I tend to shut out that particular set of pains, not really even let myself know it's there at all, I mean, jeez, it didn't even occur to me that might be why I woke up feeling so defeated and gloomy this morning until I talked almost my whole session with my therapist about other things before even quite remembering the visit happened.

[Blueberry]

I hear you Bach.

[Bach]

I don't WANT to be haunted by all my past selves! NO! What is this life for anyway?!?

[NarcKiddo]

Ugh. That sucks. Royally. I cannot abide last minute visits being sprung on me. I mean, I can't bear any kind of visit being sprung on me. Last minute is just the cherry on the icing of that particular cake.

Hugs.

[Bach]

I'm so afraid that people won't like me anymore if they get to know me too well. It has happened so many times that the fear has probably become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[Moondance]

Geez I really struggle with this as well Bach. 

My confidence level is zilch.  I also become a rambling idiot and a total clutz now when meeting someone new.  I actually think I experience dissociation  or perhaps it's an EF.  I avoid it at all costs.

This feels just awful and I'm so sorry you experience this Bach.

[Bach]

I hate myself. I really do. I'm so sick of my stubborn self-destructiveness and my inability to be a responsible parent to myself.

[Blueberry]

I like you Bach.

There were reasons for the stubborness to develop. By writing on here, reaching out, giving voice to what's going on, you are being a responsible parent to yourself rn.

I also can be self-destructive. But I'm not always like that. I don't believe you always are self-destructive either, Bach, because I see other sides of you on this forum.

This will pass. Gentle    If don't feel safe, ignore.

[NarcKiddo]

OK - this is your journal and I know we are supposed to hear you and not be combative. Well, I do hear you, and what you say resonates. But I have to say this, too. You are NOT unable to be a responsible parent to yourself, even though it might feel that way.

You did not have any of that modelled for you, which is what should have happened. So you are now having to work out how to do it. That is tough and you will not always get it right. But you absolutely have the ability: of that I am completely sure.

My experience of parenting was so tainted that I had a most peculiar idea of how it should work. I have not had children so they have been saved from my ministrations. But when I started therapy and the concept of parenting myself came up I realised I had no clue and started to doubt my ability to look after anything. I began to worry to my therapist that I had been a crappy carer to my dogs and the long line of pets before them. I bewailed the "fact" I could not keep a houseplant alive. What hope, then, for parenting myself?

She is trying to get me to show compassion for myself and actually recognise and own a situation where I do something right. I am beginning to accept that I was a good carer to my dogs. I have dared to buy some houseplants. One threatened to die on me but I think I have pulled it back from the brink.

The point I think I am trying to make is that if you don't have the confidence to parent yourself, maybe you could come at it from another direction. Look at what you do look after. Pet. Husband. And pat yourself on the back for a job well done. Then maybe you can gradually start holding onto the feeling of nurturing them and try turning the focus on to you.

I agree with everything Blueberry said. And I like you, too.

 

[Armee]

 

I like you. And I understand those days of hating yourself. Sucks. But safer than the alternatives.

[Bach]

Thank you for the hugs and kind words, friends   I was having a really bad mental health day yesterday. 

[Moondance]

I like you Bach.  I relate to how your feeling as well.

 

[Papa Coco]

Bach

I'm glad you gathered the courage to bring your darker thoughts to the forum. It feels like you trust us when you are willing to open up and be vulnerable. And I grew up being distrusted, so your trust in us feels respectful to me.

Whenever I'm feeling like I shouldn't be bothering everyone, I remind myself that we are all here to be supported and to be supportive. There's an old saying that the reason we have two hands is so we can give with one and receive with the other. That's how empathy and energy flows. It's common for us with CPTSD to be terrified to ask for help, or care, or concern, or comfort. We like to give it, but we're afraid to ask for it in return. I'm the same way. When I bring my darkest moments to the forum, I feel like I shouldn't. But more and more, I'm realizing that the people here gain benefit from helping each other. It actually feels more genuine and respectful to come to the party and be open about what's really going on inside. Too many of us weren't allowed to tell the truth about being unhappy inside, so we tend to put on a happy face. Putting on a happy face isn't being authentic. Coming to the table each day being honest about our state of mind is authentic.

Bach, I like you very much. I have ever since I joined the forum. You've said many kind and supportive things to me when I needed them, and I feel honored to be able to say kind and supportive things to you when you need them as well. Two hands. One to give with, one to receive with: It keeps the healing power of love flowing from person to person.

[rainydiary]

I am thinking of you Bach.

[Bach]

I appreciate you all so much!    I have read and taken to heart all of your support and wisdom.  Thank you   

I realised today that my recent self-disgust and fragmented emotional state is probably the result of having had an unusually high level of social activity and interaction for the past few weeks.  It's frustrating and distressing to realise how taxing social activity is for me.  I'm always wishing that I wasn't so isolated, that I had friends in real life and not just in the computer, but dealing with people drains my energy and leaves me feeling awkward and uncomfortable with myself.  This is a huge problem.  Being isolated and feeling lonely is uncomfortable, interacting with people is uncomfortable.  I feel like I really just don't belong in this world.