Confronting FOO

[Blueberry]

  Started confronting FOO this week! First via email, now phone. It's working! I'm strong. I haven't dissociated. I have cried somewhat like on the phone with B1, but I've also used strong words - and swears, because they get through to FOO. They show my brothers but also M last night that I mean business. They say things like they had no idea I was in such dire financial straits. Me: Because you won't listen to me!   Better not start quoting because I notice that's really hard, leading to internal upselt (I. Child?) But yesterday when I spoke to M and the day before when I spoke at length with B1, I was able to parry most of their crapola - all of M's, not quite all of B1's and/or I didn't see through absolutely all of his smooth-talking till later. When I was thinking: wait a minute... There's room for interpretation there... Your opinion is not fact... I have a different opinion / view of the situation...

They, especially B1, see that my uncertain financial situation is exacerbating this dire living situation where I can't afford to move (neither removal costs nor normal standard rent which is at least double my current rent) while LL sits on his backside refusing to end the situation the way he is legally required to do. He hardly even reacted to the news that water was dripping through my bedroom ceiling all over the place on Sunday. (There's more on that on one of my Journals - must be the Of Course It's Worth It!) The leaking ceiling all over the place and not just over by the window was the last straw for me. I sent B1 and B2 an email entitled Emergency and listing the current problems. B1 took the Emergency title as cue to phone, which turned out OK, as in I didn't have to dissociate or anything. There will be much more money coming on a regular basis forever as well as tax returns from B1 to prove to a prospective LL that should I not be able to pay my rent, B1 will take over. As in: you can't see it on my tax returns, but there is money in the family. More later, I have to get ready to go to occupational T. I want to too! OT is a good place for me. 

[rainydiary]

I am grateful you are having opportunity to express and to swear and to say what you need to say.

[Blueberry]

Thank you rainy diary  It feels so good! As a result of no longer having to hold things in and tamper all my feelings down when communicating with FOO and when doing more or less anything, I have far more energy and brain clarity too. Stead of brain fog. My T has spoken of the correlation before, at least in my case, can't speak for everybody.

Yesterday evening I went to choir practice and announced that I was boiling mad, not about any of them I hastened to say, but if any of them felt like protecting my LL or any of my FOO mbrs they could go to a certain hot place in a hand basket. But actually at the moment 'everybody' (meaning everybody more or less) is saying 'Go for it! / You should do this more often / This is obviously good for you!' Half the choir mbrs are 70+, some of them are even my parents' age. None of them look frightened or shocked or offended. I sang loudly and off-tune as usual and didn't feel self-conscious. I didn't sing really loudly but just loud enough that it would be easier to carry the tune if I were still actually practising singing, which I'm not.
Sounds a bit OT, but actually tamping down my feelings leads to me tamping everything down - my voice, self-expression, my whole self, my life - absolutely everything! Not any more!! Well, I do know that things will eventually slide a bit, something could lead to an EF, there's more FOO confrontation I need to do and want to do, but still the developments since Sunday (this is now Wed early AM) feel pivotal. This is huge healing going on! 

[Blueberry]

The next piece I need to confront at least my sibs with is this: they have to start treating me as an equal! None of this: we're supporting you financially so you're not allowed to say what you think, we're the boss, we decide what you're allowed to say within FOO.    Those attitudes of theirs can also go some place hot in a hand basket. Gearing up to email them today. Don't you dare go feeling all good about yourselves about taking me on as a charity case. Forget that! You're paying compensation for years of abuse! And actually they personally are not even paying it, it'll be coming from FOO money, from our parents' money, but that means there's less for sibs in their retirement and less they can spend on their children. My sibs are not exactly in the bread-line. My sibs now have POA over my parents' everything - money, medical stuff, whatever - so they are the ones who will actually be transferring the money to me.

Stay tuned.

[OwnSide]

Blueberry you are an inspiration. Thank you for posting 

[rainydiary]

Sending encouragement.

[Snowdrop]

An inspiration indeed! You're doing so well with this. I'm glad your choir members could see how well you're doing and gave you encouragement. Go Blueberry!

[Blueberry]

Thank you all for your support
It's a hard topic. I haven't got any further on confronting my sibs. That alone shows me how disordered our relationship is. How unequal. And how much emotional/psychological power they have over me. How much they 'rule' in FOO. I need some more time to gear myself up for this. I certainly need to NOT communicate about this topic with people who might side with FOO.

[Papa Coco]

Hugs BB.

I had horrific sibs also. It is so ugly to be the one who takes their abuse for a lifetime. I remember how difficult it was to confront them. My brain would get all tangled up. They had a fake reason for every single abuse they'd ever done to me. I was a decade younger than all of them and they had perceived authority over me from the day I was born. They could deny faster than I could bear witness to their behaviors of the past 50 years.

I'm thinking about you. Sending prayers your way. From one gaslight victim to another, I hope for the best possible outcome for you.

[Blueberry]

Thank you PC. Brain all tangled up is a good way of putting it. I'm actually the 'middle one' and it is very irksome for my younger B to have assumed control and power over me. Though obviously it's not appropriate for either B to be looking down at me and ordering me about, as they do. It shows how weak my parents are, that my sibs have taken over power in FOO.

[Not Alone]

I'm proud of you!   

[Phoebes]

Blueberry, I'm inspired by your voice and your handling of this! 

[Blueberry]

Thank you notalone and Phoebes

Today I've slipped a little. Hard to remember that things are worth it. Haven't confronted sibs further, yet. The trauma bond runs deep. Tho come to think of it, there is an exercise I used to do alot in trauma therapy which could be useful in breaking that bond down a little.

[Phoebes]

That's ok. Please be easy on yourself. It's not easy stuff.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Phoebes, you're right, it isn't easy stuff. Not at all. I might go back to my Journal for a while till I get up the courage, energy and who-knows-what to continue correspondence with my sibs