Hope's Journal 2023

[Armee]

It is a huge thing, just what you wrote here. The emotions and even writing this, and the show, and knowing it's relevant. You're doing a great job pacing this. Its so important to go slow. I'm so proud of you. 

[sanmagic7]

hope, that is huge.  like armee said, pacing is good for us. this stuff can overwhelm us so quickly.

i noticed w/in myself when you wrote the title for tonite is 'shame', my stomach lurched.  that tells me there must be a bunch of shame inside me that i haven't been able to access.  scared the crap out of me, but thanks for writing it as it taught me something, and i appreciate that.  appreciate you, too.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi Armee,
I responded emotionally inside to what you wrote - it was like part of me felt validated by your reply, thank you.   

Hi SanMagic,
I appreciate and value you too  What you wrote about how hearing/reading the word 'shame' gave you that very visceral/strong reaction.  It makes sense to me. 

************
16th June 2023
(Trigger warning -  mentioning CSA)

OK, so I'm going to copy what I wrote in my paper journal the other day, into this journal here.  I want to do this, because I want to share it with people who understand. 

I wrote this on 14th June 2023:
I have just watched about 10 minutes of a documentary on TV (that I recorded previously) entitled "Paedophile in My Family: Surviving Dad".  It caused tears to fall and I decided to stop watching as (my partner) is due home soon.  The girl (woman) experienced sexual abuse from her father from birth to 18 years of age and her mother and two brothers never knew.  She spoke of feeling guilt about her father's behaviour and feeling as if she'd ruined her mother's life, but also felt resentment towards her Mum for not knowing/helping.

Interesting about my own feelings and thoughts as I watched it.  Felt emotional for her - empathised with her.

I definitely want to watch more, but will wait till Monday - when (my partner) is out for a longer time period.  I'll have time to process whatever feelings come up.

Currently feel very hot (it is hot today) and nauseous in my stomach.  Might do some tapping.

Tapping helped.  I wanted to write about the fact that the woman spoke and a sign language interpreter also actioned her words, and how the upset for the woman seemed somehow emphasised by the interpreter's facial expressions.

Also, she (the woman) spoke of school reports and how she was described by teachers as positive, yet she hadn't felt that way, and had had lots of absences from school.  She expressed frustration and anger that nothing was picked up/noticed by the school or her family (mother).

She spoke of a stomach ache - said "it wouldn't have been that" - I had a flashback to having had a very bad ?stomach ache/more and how a GP did come eventually.

Round this are memories of being held down by Dad.  ?Night terrors.  Was he the cause?  I realise my traumatised parts hold the memories and I can't access them currently.  My partner is back."

So that was what I wrote that day.  I am glad to have written it here. 

I am thinking that in the past I wouldn't have felt able to write about CSA in my actual journal very easily - I'd have put it in the CSA section of the forum - 'apart' from my journal.  But now it feels more appropriate for me to write it here - because I'm owning the fact that things did happen that shouldn't have happened.  That they happened to me.  That they were real. 

Another thing I want to write is that I've been watching a session online of a woman who talks about her CSA and does tapping at the same time about it.  Part of me won't allow me to find the link to it right now.  But I do want to put a link here at some point - incase anyone else would value watching it.  I have listened to it each week, usually on a Monday when I have more time alone to process - and I've watched it for a few weeks now.  Each time, it's enabled me to process something viscerally.  So it has been helpful to me.

I am also continuing to do meditation daily - and also my dot-to-dots when I invite any parts within me to communicate whilst I focus on the dot-to-dots. 

I'm actively journalling more about my thoughts and feelings as well.  I think this is doing me good.

(I want to write some notes about the Trauma Series that has been on the past few days - but they are mentioning that they want people to buy a 'gold package' and they want people to respect their intellectual property and not share their resources by means of replicating them.  I am thinking that sharing notes would be ok.  Afterall they are recommending that practitioners use the skills in their work with clients.  Anyway, once I get to grips with what might be ok to share, I might be able to write some notes - I end up getting bogged down sometimes with 'shoulds' about what's right to do.  I feel like a younger part of me is writing that - it sounds to me like it's from a younger perspective.

Anyway, I feel some nausea inside just now.  I'm going to go and do some meditation and tapping, and hopefully re-ground myself for the remainder of the day.

Hope 

[Armee]

Hope

I want to be careful not to say more than parts are ready to read but I also want to let you know how sorry I am that your father did these things to you. I will delete this reply at any time if you need me to.

You've known in some ways for a long time but now you are writing it here. And I'm so proud of you because you have worked so diligently to respect all parts of yourself and to go at a pace that is ok for everyone inside and now because of that hard work you are able to know and write it here.

As you know, I have struggled too with accepting what happened to me too. And what helped me was that you and others here believed me, nearly every day, for 2 years, and told me you believed me, until I could believe it myself.

Once I could say it and start to believe it is when the healing started to happen. I will be here everyday to say now and as many times as you need to hear it: I believe you, and I am so sorry this happened to you. It is wrong that he used and harmed you like this and you did nothing wrong. None of it, not even a millimeter of it, is or ever was your fault.

Thank you for trusting us with this and for showing so much strength getting to this point.

If this is too much for parts I will delete my reply. All you have to do is say "too much" or "can't" or any other simple word that let's me know and I will respect the parts that aren't ready yet. But if they are ready, I'm so sad for what you went through but also I feel some joy that you can start to heal these wounds.

It's a difficult journey, Hope,  even though you've known for some time, it still hits like a ton of bricks when you let yourself know and believe fully. But it's the start of healing so I am very hopeful for you.

Sending you strength and compassion, Hope. I'm proud of you.

[dollyvee]

 

[Hope67]

Hi Armee,
I am grateful to you for your reply and for everything you said.  Thank you so much.  I feel especially glad that your healing has started to happen since you could say things and start to believe them.  I feel the beginnings of this process for myself currently.

Hi Dollyvee,
Thank you so much for that big hug, I appreciate it.   

***********
17th June 2023
I was re-reading some things I'd written back in 2017 on this forum in the CSA area, and I was amazed at how much I had shared there, and also how much had come out of connecting with younger Little Hopes.  As I was reading everything there, and realising how much had happened - it was making me think about how in daily time I have minimised and put things aside, and not really truely even believed that things have actually 'happened'. 

I've started looking at a book I've had before, called 'The Complex PTSD Workbook' by Arielle Schwartz - and whilst I was reading it, I felt as if I 'understood' it more - i.e. it was almost as if I'd never seen it before, and yet I feel sure I would have read it before now.  So I think because I've been able to be within my window of tolerance more, then so I can begin to process and understand things better. 

Anyway, it's the weekend now, and I've been trying to ensure that I do 'non-self-help' kind of related things on weekends - to try to relax and do things unconnected to self-analysis.  I realise I have become quite entrenched in learning more about complex PTSD and stuff relating to it - but I need to chill out and live a more normal life - especially on weekends.  So I think I'll go for a walk and enjoy the outdoors.  I'll see if my partner would like to go for a walk with me. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hope, i have so much admiration for you on how far you've come, so proud of you for pushing thru to get to this point.  thank you for sharing. i'm also seeing more self-confidence and inner strength in you. it beautiful to see.

what a horrific experience you went thru.  i believe it's totally natural and normal to be angry at the other adults around us, all of whom had the responsibility for our care, who didn't notice, didn't speak up, didn't help.  it doesn't matter if that's realistic or not - we were helpless babes and were supposed to be taken care of.  by someone!

reading about the different perspective you now have towards that workbook made me recall when you were reading so many books so often. your state of mind was different back then, as you've been able to recognize.  i think those are the signs we need of our growth to help us keep going.  you're doing great!  love and hugs  

[rainydiary]

Hope, I resonate with trying to find a balance with learning and self-helping and nurturing and restoring.  I hope the weekend offers relaxation.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic, Thank you so much for everything you said.   

Hi Rainydiary, Thank you so much 

*********
22nd June 2023
Trigger warnings - might mention CSA

I am doing ok.  I feel pleased with how things have been the past few days.  I watched the documentary about CSA at the start of the week, and it caused a huge rush of emotions and was understandably triggering, BUT, I was also able to consider things using a wise part of myself, and see things from a few perspectives.  I'm not sure I can put these reactions and feelings into words here, but for now - I will just say that I was glad I watched it.  I am grateful to the woman who shared her experiences - I felt a lot of empathy for her, and related to things she said and felt. 

I recognise that as I write this, I feel some tension in my left eye and side of my face - makes me realise that part of me is perhaps concerned about what I might write here.  I am reassuring all parts of myself that I am not going to write much just now, apart from saying how pleased I am that I can face some difficult things, and that I care about everything that happened to every younger part of myself.  I hope to keep every part of me safe now, and try to look after us all.

I'm going to write a note to myself/reminder that I need to keep doing my EFT tapping meditations each day - because I think they are helping me more now, and I don't want to lose the discipline of doing them daily - as it's a way for me to communicate with parts of myself in a caring and diligent way.

I recognise that there's a part of me that's perhaps steering me away/distracting me from doing that - but I know it's important to communicate with parts regularly - at least once a day, and I try to connect more with considering every feeling and thought - and doing body scans too.

At night, I feel like I have made some progress in communicating with a part of me that feels terror, and I feel like I've been able to stay constant more and comfort her. 

Can't think of anything else to say now, so I'll stop writing for now.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hope, may i send encouragement your way to keep up your tapping?  it sounds like it's a good thing for you, which is somthing you deserve.  i get it how some days we just don't want to do something good for us, or don't have enough energy, whatever, and we're not perfect, so i hope on those days you don't beat yourself up for not doing it.

very brave, very courageous of you to write what you did.  here are some cuddles, fluffy blanket, stuffed animal for that terrified part.  we all just want to keep you safe.  gentle love and hugs to you both   

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

It sounds like you're facing some tough challenges right now but I think you are very courageous for doing what you're doing.

I also have a part that wants to distract me from doing things to help myself (or even feel good about myself I think) and I am trying to get to know that part. I can relate that it's really difficult to do so. It's like the thinking stops and I'm just this motor that hums in place. I can't describe it. I'm trying to tell it that, "hey I'm here for you. You don't have to show yourself etc." I just want to show it that this is the adult me and I can accountable as an adult. Also, a very hard thing to believe right now as there's another part which seems to criticize everything, but I think it's a step by step journey. I hope you are able to show up for yourself as well little by little. 

Sending you a hug if that's ok 
dolly

[Hope67]

Dear SanMagic,
Thank you for sending me that encouragement to continue with the EFT tapping - and also for the comfort to the terrified part - those were appreciated for sure.  Thank you 

Dear Dollyvee,
Thank you for what you said, and also for sharing about your part that distracts you, and the fact you're getting to know it.  I really like what you said to that part, that was very supportive and understanding.  I agree with you, it's a step by step journey, but I believe it's definitely a journey worth the continuing embarkation.  Thanks also for the hug, it is appreciated and I also send you a hug too 

*********
3rd July 2023
I have a few things I want to write about, and I hope that I will come back here and indeed write about them soon - I know I don't have much time just now, but maybe I'll be back later or tomorrow to write.  I'm actually feeling quite good about how things have been going/progressing, and want to write about that.  But somehow that makes me feel a bit guilty for wanting to share the good things...! 

Anyway, I do hope to come back later to do just that. 

Hope 

[Not Alone]

 

[rainydiary]

I look forward to reading whatever you have to share.

[Hope67]

Hi Not Alone, Thank you so much, and sending you also a hug 
Hi Rainydiary, thank you for saying that, 

***********
7th July 2023
I meant to come back and write before now, but somehow days have passed since my last entry.  I have been quite busy.  I also acknowledge that there is a part of me that feels guilty about the prospect of writing about more positive things, and therefore perhaps there's a reluctance to actually do that.  So I'm not really sure if I can actually manage to do that - so maybe I'll just write about some stuff - different stuff.  Interesting - my language feels clunky just now, almost as if I'm writing it in a different language to one I'm comfortable with, and yet it is my native language!  Perhaps I'm blended with another part, and that's affecting me.  Not sure.

I had found an old magazine that had some articles in it that were interesting.  One had a piece about writing with the dominant and non-dominant hand to communicate between the current self and the past self/younger self.  I have tried that before, but not really got very far with it.  I am wondering whether to re-try it.  Maybe.

I saw a book that a couple of other forum members had talked about - I think the author is Claudia Black and it is called 'Repeat After Me' - I've ordered it, and read a little of it - and I feel as if I might be ready to 'do' some of the exercises there.  They suggest a Repeat After Me group to share experiences from the book - as a possible way to proceed, but I though that maybe I could occasionally discuss an exercise here, and any thoughts that have come from it - thereby not putting pressure on myself to achieve anything in any particular time frame.  I think the exercises will be challenging sometimes, and that I might have resistance to doing some of them. 

Attempting to cut through the resistance to talk about positives - I am going to try to mention some of them in this paragraph, as I am figuring that it's ok...  Positives - I've been able to cope with using a technique that I think Arielle Schwartz called 'pendulation' where I attempt to move between different levels of tolerance to memories and thoughts and feelings within my window of tolerance, and have truely been able to feel my way within those.  It's taken a few years to get to this point, as I've really struggled to stick with such things - but having really stuck with doing some daily meditation and EFT tapping - to consistently be there for my parts in some form of communication, has meant that my mind has calmed more, and I've been longer in a state of 'rest and digest' rather than 'fight and flight' - I've been calmer. 

I've been able to cope better with some socialising too - I am basically doing things much slower - taking my time, and have recognised previous patterns where I might have put myself into a rushed and adrenalised frenzy of panic, and instead can attend something and not have the same barriers, as I am in a more relaxed and open state.

Something I didn't write about at the time, was that I did manage to go away for a holiday to a place that had been triggering in the past (due to FOO connections with that place) and it was ok!  I really coped so much better than I thought I would.  It was challenging, yes, but it was enjoyable and I felt a renewed sense of freedom about being able to do that.  I also had the situation of socialising with a group of people whilst on that holiday, and being asked some more personal questions - which often I'd perhaps ignore/change the subject so as not to respond, BUT - I did speak about some personal things, and it was OK!  I wasn't judged for it, and the response was very understanding, and indeed the person went on to tell me some personal things that they were dealing with too.  So it was very nice to have that response. 

Another really good thing that I've noticed, is that since I've been using Vagal nerve stimulation exercises, that my heart rate variability has improved.  I have had extremely low heart rate variability before, but now it's better - although still not close to what most people's would be.  I read that it can be effected by PTSD and complex PTSD.  But I am going to continue with the vagus nerve stimulation - because I think it's very beneficial to me.

This is great - I managed to write about some positives, despite my initial resistance/reluctance (from some part of me) and now I feel like the clunkiness that I felt has lifted, so maybe that part has unblended and I am ok for the moment.  I don't regret what I've written, I think it's ok!

Hope