Relational Trauma and Behind Closed Doors Abuse/Neglect

[Kizzie]

One thing I've noticed in my wanderings through the literature associated with relational abuse/neglect is that we are not as well seen as other groups subjected to trauma.  For example soldiers (and now others such as EMTs, fire fighters, etc) are now well known for suffering from PTSD and there is a lot of funding going toward research and treatment.  It wasn't always this way.  It was the Vietnam vets who organized and let it be known they were a traumatized group in need of acknowledgement treatment, services and support. 

Other groups such as Black Lives Matter, All Children Matter, Me Too are now becoming well known because they have  come together and are using their voices to tell the worlds about their traumatization.

But how do we, the "behind closed doors" survivors do this? Our abuse/neglect takes place behind closed doors and we are silenced because we are often threatened, alone and unseen.  I know in my heart we must throw open the door, come together and make our presence and needs known in a big way or we will never receive the funding, attention, acknowledgment that leads to treatment, services and support we need.

But how do we do this?  How do we become a movement?

[Armee]

I don't know Kizzie. But you are right.

The damage done is extreme when it happens behind closed doors and especially while our brains are developing.

[Bach]

A big problem with getting us recognition is that people who have not suffered the kinds of relational trauma and behind-closed-doors abuse literally can't comprehend and don't believe that we could have been treated that way.  In society, parents/family members are always given the benefit of the doubt, and we who dare to assert that we were mistreated by people who are assumed to love and care for us are looked on with immediate doubt and suspicion.

[Blueberry]

I don't know either Kizzie but also agree that you're right.

And adding to Bach's post, my experience is that people don't want to know too much about this stuff because they are worried their own parenting is bad enough to count as abuse. It might be in some cases, but often it's like us thinking we're narcs. But nevermind that, they find excuses for our parents.

[Papa Coco]

I've told the story several times about my former friend who was a Desert Storm veteran with PTSD. When I told him about my Complex PTSD he said, "My friends and I don't respect people like you who say you have PTSD but didn't see what we saw."  It was the day my friendship with him ended, but it also put me into several days of EFs.  That type of confrontation and bullying will happen, so whomever might start a movement to raise awareness of the damage bad families do to their members would need to address this EF issue before going public.

Perhaps someone like Pete Walker would have some insights on how to raise awareness for C-PTSD and it's causes. Maybe we could write him a letter and ask for his thoughts.

[Kizzie]

I agree Bach, people don't want to be aware that parents/"loved" ones often abuse/neglect children more often than anyone can imagine. It's ugly and scary and unthinkable but so too was abuse of children by priests & coaches (e.g., Larry Nassar), pedophilia and child pornography, domestic violence/abuse including coercive control, etc., and they are out there now.

So some relational trauma or behind closed doors trauma is being recognized but it's abuse of children in their own homes (including foster homes, homes of extended family members), the one place children should be safe that isn't and in part for the reason you suggest - it's just too much to think that this happens all the time to a lot of children.

Papa it's actually your story of what your ex-friend said to you that will not stop niggling away at me. That was utterly offensive but it demonstrates how little understanding of how horrifying child abuse is.  It's a different kind of battlefield where we fight for our lives daily in a place where the enemy are the very people society says should love and protect us.

To my mind there is nothing more horrifying and life threatening than that.  A general societal understanding of this is what's missing to my mind and it's become really important to me to  do something about it, what I don't know but here we have people from all over the world so it makes me think perhaps there is a way we can use our voices to make it known what child abuse is like. 

People like Bruce Perry are raising awareness of child abuse but I have to say when I read his book all I could think was, we were not all subjected to the kind of Big T trauma the children in his book were.  His work does a disservice to those of us who endured 'lesser' trauma and developed CPTSD because not to feel loved or safe is soul crushing.  You don't necessarily have to be be beaten or sexually abused to develop CPTSD as we know. 

Well I'm rambling on aren't?! I guess one thing I've thought about is a book put together by members here that makes the point that child abuse can be overt and "Big T" but also covert and still result in CPTSD.  And most important of all, that life in an abusive/neglectful home is a fight for survival, of the physical self sometimes but almost always of the spiritual/psychological self.  This is what your friend did not understand or care to think about Papa and it's the whole point about what we endure.  It is a battlefield behind closed doors and we have to fight every day to survive.

[Armee]

I think that's a good idea kizzie...I read some of the anthologies put together on metoo and those books were so helpful to understand the different types of abuse that can happen and to see the impact of big and little assaults.  I've mentioned it several times on here but the book written/compiled by Roxanne Gay was extremely helpful and well done. It helped me go "wait...what happened to me was a big deal? And shouldn't have happened? And I'm not crazy to feel this way?"

There is also this theme at play here in our stories about how the pervasive and insidious abuse from our families rewired our brains and made us more susceptible to "big T" stuff. I know that the reason I ended up in the situation I've been trying to wrap my head around is because of how I was trained by my mentally ill mom. I know it's also because society never intervened when they saw the warning signs of what was happening at home. We were all swept under the rug. The cost of that is enormous. And I know it's why recovery has taken so long and been so hard.

[paul72]

I really like this idea Kizzie .. it would be something I'd try to find the courage to join in on too.. it would be too important for me not to try,
I think about how we weren't given much of a chance in life.... it's hard to successfully plan for the future when you are stuck in the past.
Whether it's not feeling like we deserve a future or being afraid of it, or whatever it might be. I suspect we were conditioned to fail, to fail at self-love, at other relationships, with money, with addictions.. we were set up to fail. And help is largely inaccessible. Then to top if off, it often hinders future generations of those abused.
In my city, I can't join the only peer support group because I'm not an emergency services worker.
And I wouldn't feel comfortable (or be welcomed) even if I could. If it wasn't for fear of failure , of not being good enough, of coming out! , of so many things, I'd be all over this.
But, it's all so scary alone. Together, like you said, organized.. it wouldn't be so scary.

[Kizzie]

Armee could you find the link to those metoo anthologies that helped you to see  the big and little assaults? 

I ended up with CPTSD as a little warrior on a battlefield of covert N abuse and alcoholism, both of which involved "death by a thousands cuts" versus Big T Trauma. My 'home' was unsafe, I was not loved or protected, and every day I walked on egg shells waiting for that next cut.  I would want to make it clear through my story what that does to the heart and soul of a little girl, that it was every bit as horrifying, dangerous and life threatening as the battlefield Papa's friend fought on. 

I know there are a few writers here and one or two who have published a book so maybe we can do this.    Our sister site Out of the Fog published a book and made quite a  bit of money for the site (all proceeds went to the site and I think the same should be happen with our book if we go ahead).   

[Armee]

I agree Kizzie.  The little t trauma is not little at all and shapes our brains in damaging ways.

Here's a link to Roxanne Gay's book

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/35068524-not-that-bad

In it she includes horrific sexual assault s including the one that happened to her as a child and the times she was told and believed it was not that bad,  because at least she didn't die, to assaults of the smaller variety like being catcalled. She manages to put them all on the same level, that yes they were that bad and it can't stand.

[rainydiary]

My experience also reflects constant and consistent lack of responsiveness to me as an individual versus big things that people are trained to consider as abusive. 

I also see this play out in schools where I work.  I see kids consistently gaslit and invalidated for who they are for the sake of compliance.  These things I witness echo to past experiences of mine so I know it isn't ok.

I do think abusive dynamics are built into many systems and people don't question it. 

[Papa Coco]

Rainy

That is a great comment!:

I do think abusive dynamics are built into many systems and people don't question it. 

It rings so true in families, schools, churches, and workplaces. Very well said. The fact that people don't question it really hit me hard. It's so true.

[Master of my sea]

I think this is a great idea.
Something that has become so clear to me in the last year or so (since my diagnosis) is the lack of understanding and representation we have.
The majority of what I have learned about c-ptsd has come from trawling the internet and from this forum. It is apparent that very few understand or even comprehend what we all deal with on a daily basis. Even fewer believe that we could have experienced the things we did. When even our GP's don't understand or haven't even heard of our diagnosis, how are we supposed to get the help and support we need?

In todays world of social media and sharing I think getting that awareness is more accessible and do-able. Having a book with our stories, explaining our struggles and how those experiences shaped us I think could be crucial in finally getting some true understanding. Straight from the horses mouth so to speak.

We have all been silenced in many ways for the majority of our lives, this could be our opportunity to put our voices together and finally be heard. To stand up and be counted.

[quote author=Kizzie link=topic=14932.msg125122#msg125122 date=1664814662
I ended up with CPTSD as a little warrior on a battlefield of covert N abuse and alcoholism, both of which involved "death by a thousands cuts" versus Big T Trauma. My 'home' was unsafe, I was not loved or protected, and every day I walked on egg shells waiting for that next cut.  I would want to make it clear through my story what that does to the heart and soul of a little girl, that it was every bit as horrifying, dangerous and life threatening as the battlefield Papa's friend fought on.   
[/quote]

Kizzie this rings true on certain levels for me. The constant being on eggshells, waiting for the next cut as you say, is incredibly damaging as a child and I think it's about time that people recognise that.
The understanding needs to be there that you don't have to be physically/S assaulted everyday to be abused and traumatised. That the things that happened in our childhoods shaped the people we are today and why. That there is so much that isn't seen or heard.

[Kizzie]

Armee, tks for the link - I think what her book does is what we want to do (and can do) for relational trauma, especially that which occurs in childhood.  It may take some time and fussing but if we look at it as an ongoing and unfolding project it won't seem like a forever thing that never gets done. Right now we're just noodling about the possibility of a book and why it might be needed and already I personally can see that it is needed, just like Gay's book.  That is, we need to tell society "Yes, it happens more than anyone cares to know, and yes it really is that bad and we're here to tell you about it."

So far I'm happy with the closed door as the symbol of relational abuse that is for the most part still not acknowledged in society, and I like Papa's story of how his friend diminished/invalidated the pain and suffering of those of us with Complex PTSD. It seems like a good story to start with and continue on with stories that reflect the 'battlefield' that is covert/overt abuse/neglect behind closed doors, how we fight for our physical/psychological life, and why society must wake up to it. 

[Armee]

I'm very supportive of the ideas you lay out here Kizzie....the symbol of the closed door, starting with Papa Coco's story. In tossing this around my head today I wondered about the first half being personal stories and the second half being the major areas of our lives that are impacted by cptsd with a bit of research type narrative followed by our own anecdotes...topics like relationships, addiction, careers, etc etc and ending with treatment challenges as a call to action.

Just a couple thoughts to keep the conversation going....