Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[Papa Coco]

Something's changed in me.

I don't know if it's permanent or temporary

I'm relaxed. I've never been relaxed before. Normally, when relaxation starts to come over me, I get scared because I feel vulnerable. A relaxed person doesn't protect himself. Or so that's my normal operating rhythm. If I relax, people can take advantage of me. So I choose to be filled with anxiety because that way my shields are always up.  But somehow, I'm not feeling that way these days.

This feeling of not being hypervigilant all day long has been coming on for the past 7 days. Each day I'm a little more relaxed than the day before. I'm quiet around other people, and I'm not so worried about the usual stuff--big or little. I'm even sleeping without the house alarm set because I'm suddenly enjoying sleeping with the windows open and I can't set the alarm if the windows are open. And I don't care. Who even am I? I feel like I left my body and someone else came in to finish out the ride for me. Like I'm not even myself anymore. And it's okay. I don't care.

For the first time ever, I'm okay with it all. As I enjoy being relaxed all day long for now, I notice that I'm also far more forgetful than I normally am. I talk like my dad in his later years when dementia had overtaken him. I probably don't have dementia yet, but somehow, my memory and my concerns are falling away these days. I'm happy to just be. I need to be sure I don't start forgetting my responsibilities, but these days, I'm not filled with shame when I just lay around the house not doing anything. It's a new feeling. Possibly temporary, but there's hope, right? Hope that maybe this is a new way of life for me...

We'll know more in a month or two when I am able to look back and see whether this relaxing state of mind stayed with me or was just an appetizer to let me know what I'm missing out on most of the time. I feel like I'm definitely shirking my responsibilities, but I'm sort of okay with that now.

Whoever it is I'm becoming, I'm okay with it for now. It might be temporary, or it might be at least partially permanent. Either way, it's a welcome change. Just kicking back and watching the world go round and round.

[Blueberry]

Wow, PapaCoco! 

[TheBigBlue]