Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[sanmagic7]

dear PC, i've heard of others who chose to stay in a neg. place, because it was more comfortable.  one of them chose depression.  he was very good at being depressed and had his own reason for staying that way.  for what seemed like quite a while when i was in mexico, i was sick almost all the time, had my husband running errands that the 'wife' usually did - like shopping, or simply focusing his entire life on me, including taking time off work to go to the doc w/ me. he hired someone to come clean our house.  i sat like a queen, just feeling crappy.  the upside was that there were no expectations put on me. and that felt wonderful!

i was the oldest in my family, and i was expected to be perfect, so that's what i spent most of my life doing was trying to live up to those expectations.  failing all the time, of course, altho i could only deny that cuz it just wasn't allowed.  i did it all during my first 2 marriages, took care of everything including going back to college for myself.  i was pretty good at it, too.

came the time, tho, when i broke under the pressure of being expected to always be there all the time for everyone and their needs/wants, running myself ragged.  i had to escape or i'd either die or go insane, which to me is a form of death.  so i ran away to mexico to save my life.  connected w/ a man from that town who i'd known for 3 yrs., eventually got married, and i was broken, couldn't get out of bed, the whole nine yards.  but, dang, i was being waited on, checked on, chores done for me, and no expectations from anyone.  it got very comfortable being sick and helpless.

until one day it hit me that this was not what my H had signed up for.  in the very beginning of our relationship, we had a very good time together - he went out and worked, i cooked and did the dishes, changed the sheets, swept the floor.  we bought a trailer and i cleaned it myself, bleach water and wood oil, but getting everything together for the wedding itself did me in and i was bed-bound for 6 weeks.

so, when that realization hit me, and i began thinking of what it would mean if i were well, the thought struck me about all the expectations that would again be laid on top of me.  how was i able to not fall into that trap once again?  and then it hit me - i can say 'no'.  it was all about boundaries, willingness, ability, likes and dislikes, breaking that pattern of doing everything for everybody, living up to their expectations.  i got a lot of crapola from people when i didn't live up to what they wanted from me, and those were friends and family who wanted the free ride i provided for them.

so, when i realized i could say 'no', and that was not only ok, but was my right, i began to get better.  infections faded away, no more fevers, lethargy, fatigue, misery on a regular basis.  i could breathe again, be more myself.  it didn't happen all in one day, but eventually i was not chronically ill and housebound anymore.  not dancing in the streets by any means, but more of a partner for my hub, and i felt good about that. 

it didn't last forever (i developed cancer which went undiagnosed for nearly 20 yrs., and it finally was killing me), but the notion of saying 'no' to people was life-saving.  it took longer w/ some than with others, but i'm rid of them now.  so, that was one facet of healing for me - getting myself out of a place i really didn't want to be in but was comfortable to stay there.

so, i totally understand what you're saying, PC.  it's so difficult being stuck in a neg. place, but feels even more difficult to get out of it.  you have my support for your decisions - i know they make sense to you.  and i'm here with you if you ever feel like making a move, even a small one.  i'm also here with you if you decide against making the move.  you're valuable either way, and i'm glad to be connected to you.  love and hugs

[dollyvee]

The discussion about whether the scapegoat is weak or strong is interesting. I'm not even sure if a FOO would view it in those terms, were they to analyse it. After all, most of the time it is in their interests for the scapegoat to continue to be the scapegoat.

This is interesting NK and I do think in my family there were very much ideas around weak and strong --what is to be done and not done. I think scapegoats have to absorb the family story where to not be identified as weak, they have to be "strong," which is perhaps the very denial of those empathetic characteristics that their family saw in them and wanted to reconstrue because they couldn't handle the truth or the tension of what was happening in the family system. I'm also hesitant to identify with those empathetic characteristics I think because I was caught in a double bind --those characteristics made me strong, and I was supposed to be the saviour of the family, using my strength to help them, which is the part of the "story" that I feel like I have to be careful with. Scapegoats are very willing, according to Scapegoating in Families, to fulfil their role as saviour to keep the family together, and subconsciously take on that "bad" behaviour.

Any dynamic goes into imbalanced chaos when one of its balancing components either changes or falls away. It's always been so easy for me to think of the family as villains versus victims, but what if it's more of a partnership of imbalanced behaviors driven by a family of imbalanced emotions? What if they need me to heal from their "abuse" as much as I need me to heal from it? What if it's more like if I heal, they heal too?

I wrote about this in my journal, but the Scapegoating in Families book goes into more detail about how the family functions as a system and scapegoating is used to provide an outlet for tensions in the family, which is meant to help the survival of the family. So, the child takes it all on as the saviour (but also the burden bearer) where they are IMO acutely aware of their own annihilation for not doing these things. I would be curious about healing yourself to heal others as it perhaps it is more of the same and that by doing this you are then "saving" your family and still trying to fulfil the scapegoat role?

When I combine that sentiment with Chart's, Dolly's and NarcKiddo's thoughts on how the whole family falls into the trap of putting their blame onto someone willing to hold it for them, I see how the less willing I am to take their blame, the more chances we all have at learning how to be accountable for our own dysfunctional feelings.

To me, this is a great way to look at it PC. I know for a long time I felt like I had to prove that I was "right" and my family was "wrong," but it left a big gap for my understanding and ego where I knew that I couldn't be "right" all of the time, and I did/do make mistakes along the way. I was perhaps acting out the dysfunctional ways too that I was shown growing up, but I learned that I have to take responsibility for the things I do along the way too. I want to keep my side of the fence clean; it's much better that way. Not to prove other people wrong, but because it is much less emotionally messy, and I have spent a lifetime carrying other peoples' emotions thinking I had to sort it out for them, to save them.
 

This feels so much more real to me. So any time I allow someone to put their own shame onto me, Both of us, me and them, stop learning how each of us can be accountable for our own emotions and fears and shame and peace and love, etc

I think this sounds like a great boundary to have with someone where maybe you are more free to allow your self space to come out, and be the authentic you. I would also say that in my experience (and from the Fawning book) that it's not always a comfortable experience. Being more authentic is going to make some people uncomfortable.
 

I fear depression far more than I fear anxiety. I've been a Nervous Ned since the day I was born. Anxiety has saved me many times by keeping my guard up. Hypervigilance keeps me aware of danger. Any time I relaxed around my Catholic family or friends, I was vulnerable to their exploitations. So I'm terrified of being relaxed.

Perhaps this is the old scapegoat story though? Or a part of you is still living with that story of who you are?


PC, I also feel a lot to be able to engage in a discussion like this and explore what is going on for each of us. To me, this is relational healing, getting to explore what I never had a context for and a chance to explore growing up.
 

[Chart]

 

[Papa Coco]

Journal Entry for Saturday, February 14

Trigger warning: I'm not in a good space right now. This journal entry is not a happy one. I'm deeply depressed and I just need to write about it to try and ease the pressure as much as I can.

Loneliness. It's the top topic of my life this week. Sometimes it's so crushing, I feel like I'm about to reach my maximum capacity for containing it at all. I feel like if it gets any worse, it'll become more than I can handle and I'll implode.

And fear. When I feel alone, I feel more vulnerable to attack. It's in our biology to feel safer in numbers. We are community animals. Tribal animals that surround and protect each other. So I have to choose whether to be crushingly lonely alone, or hypervigilantly watching the micromovements of the people I'm with to be sure I'm ready to protect myself from my protectors if they turn to attack me, as my FOO and friends and peers have often done.

Two fear centers in the brain: One of being alone, and the other of being with someone. It's a conundrum with no solution.

In my attempts to find, identify, and embody my "authentic self" I'm learning that being a fawn is the opposite of being authentic. I don't know who or what my authentic self even looks like, but I know that as long as I fear being attacked for being me, I'll never find that authenticity.

If the choice is to suffer under crushing loneliness or fear the people I love, I guess I tend to choose the loneliness. The devil I know. The pain I'm accustomed to dealing with. Loneliness itself isn't fear. Fear happens when I'm alone and someone knocks on the front door, but if nobody bothers me when I'm alone, then loneliness is less painful than fear. So I choose loneliness.

I can't remember the last time I had fun doing anything. My biggest issue today is this crushing, crushing loneliness. I don't know what to do about it anymore. I have an amazing wife who loves me unconditionally, and I'm so happy to be with her I can't believe how lucky I am, and still, this loneliness is at the soul level. Even with her at my side, I'm lonely. I love that we are included in the race day events for my grandson's car racing sport, I cook for everyone, and set up a real nicely equipped campsite for the day so we can rest and enjoy a snack and some conversation, and the whole time I'm with these people who love me, I'm lonely. Wishing I could go home and do nothing somewhere safe where I have nobody to keep an eye on. Worried that the other grandparents who have more money than us are judging us because we don't have a fancy trailer or all the spare parts we need, because we can't afford them. Are they laughing at my walk? My voice? Are they being nice to me because they have to? As a little boy, I would ask my mother, "Why do you love me?" And she'd respond with "I'm your mother, I have to love you." Is that what's happening at the track? Are people being nice to the stupid old man because they have to?  I know that's not true, but my heart and my head seem to have two totally different perspectives on my social interactions.


I know how I got here. I know how and why my churches, FOO, and friends were able to terrorize me into becoming this skittish, fawning, lost, lonely soul, but even so, I can't make it stop. I can't find my way out of this crushing loneliness. I can sometimes find a few weeks here and there where I feel like I've ascended from this pit, but those weeks only last so long, until I oscillate back down into a freefall where I have no choice but to come to terms with the fact that I can't find simple joy and fun anymore.

My grip on the past is just too strong for me to release. I still feel guilty for every mistake I've ever said or done. I still feel like my little sister's death was partly my fault for not saying what she needed me to say during the days before her suicide.  I can't let go. I try everything. I sometimes think I'm accomplishing it, only to be shocked again when all of my past comes washing back over me from out of nowhere again.

I realized yesterday that I was trained to be this way by a family that never forgot anything I ever did wrong and never remembered anything I did right. They would make their own bad decisions, have problems, and then tell me that all their problems are my fault from something I'd said or done years earlier, and that they made that bad decision because, back in the past, I somehow made them make the bad decision. (I'm getting nauseous as I write this). I can't let the past go, because I was taught to be ready to feel shame for everything I've ever done. That nobody ever would let my past go, so if I forget how stupid I used to be, I'll become stupid again when they remind me of how stupid I've always been. That's how I was raised and I can't seem to break free from it. Even when I try to stop fretting the past, someone reminds me of something I did 40 years ago, and it floods all back over me again. All of it.



The one truly positive thing I have to report today in the journal is that I no longer hate myself. I don't trust that others don't hate me, but not because of who I am. People hated me because of lies they were told by other people. I know that now. I have digested that now and it's a fundamental part of me now. I don't hate myself anymore. I STILL feel loneliness, fear, shame, pain, etc., but I don't hate myself. I see this for what it really was: Abuse. I became what abused people become. That is not my fault. If anything, my survival has shown that it's true; my family chose their strongest child to put the weight of the world onto. I'm in pain because I'm strong enough to handle it. My little sister didn't survive the pain of being in this family, but I did. I feel no guilt for that. So, even when I'm in pain, I still feel love for myself. That's a new thing and a very good thing.

I'm glad my FOO is gone from my life, but I still struggle to get them out of my head. This is the shrapnel that's still flying after the family finally blew apart 15 years ago. I left them, but their ghosts didn't leave me. I suspect that I need to accept that their ghosts never will leave me.

Three weeks ago, I told you all how I'd finally found forgiveness for my FOO. Today, I'm retracting that claim and reiterating: I HATE THOSE PEOPLE! I really do hate them. Maybe as I oscillate between feeling okay and not okay, maybe forgiveness is something I can do sometimes. Enjoy the feeling while it lasts here and there. Like sunshine in Seattle. Enjoy it while it's around and keep the umbrella handy for when the clouds come in out of nowhere.  Three weeks ago I enjoyed a sense of forgiveness for my family. Today that feeling is gone. Doesn't mean it wasn't real, right? Three weeks ago, I had found forgiveness. Today I've lost it again. Doesn't make it any less real three weeks ago.

I'm sorry for how dark this post was. I just need people to witness what I'm going through as a sort of validation. Unwitnessed pain is far worse than witnessed pain. I'm not hiding my depression. Hiding it is just making two problems: 1) I'm depressed and 2) I'm depressed alone.  By sharing it, I only have one problem. I'm not alone anymore. I'm lonely, but I'm not alone. Normies won't understand that, but I do. It's a trauma thing.

[dollyvee]

A big hug PC  (and this is coming from someone who is not feeling very huggy right now).

You don't have to apologize for anything, you don't have to be sunshine and light all the time and take care of everything for everybody. This is your authentic self and I'm here for it and, given all the things you've been through in your life, it's no wonder that you feel this way sometimes.

As an outsider, it could just be your self calibrating what's going on after years of hearing the negative scapegoat story, where for the first time you are looking at not being that person, and not being that fawn. Again, given all the things you've been through in your life, it makes sense that these feelings would be coming up. You had to be alone your whole life to survive because of how people treated you. I remember once that my friends from long ago suggested to go out for my birthday to dinner, and I was physically astounded that they would be there and want to do that. And I still haven't gotten over that feeling.

In Fawning by Ingrid Clayton, she talks about a client who finally had all the blinders come off in an abusive relationship  that she was in, and had a whole nervous system reset (what I'm calling it - she needed to take time off of work etc because her reactions were so strong). It's not easy to do these things, and when you're doing it you can support yourself in as many ways as you need. Somatic thereapy 2x a week? Seems excessive, but why not? Just an example, but you get it. Maybe part of you is still fawning by setting up the campsite and doing cooking for everyone? It's a very "normal" thing to do, but perhaps there was a part that didn't feel like doing those things at the time, but felt compelled to do them, and there was some self-abandonment in the process, which led to those feelings?

I have also been reading Mother Hunger that NK has talked about, and it sort of goes into how important the bond is between infant and mother, and the kinds of feelings/aches/longings that can happen if the baby is not supported, protected, and nurtured. Given what you have said about your m, it might make sense of some of those feelings as well (though she talks about mother hunger directed towards women, I would think that to a certain extent those feelings would also come up for an male infant, but not a psychologist).

Sending you support,
dolly

[TheBigBlue]

Reading this, I was struck by how many layers of loneliness you're carrying at once - not just being alone, but being unsafe with others, unseen in your pain, and having to hold distress by yourself for so long.

Your words helped me think more deeply about loneliness as something much broader than "lack of people."  I wonder whether some loneliness isn't for example about lack of love, but about never having had distress safely held long enough for the body to learn it doesn't have to stay alone. To organize my thoughts I wrote something up that was too long to include here, but here is the link - in case it resonates.

Loneliness is not one thing. ...

Thank you for putting this into words. Being witnessed matters.
 

[NarcKiddo]

Three weeks ago, I had found forgiveness. Today I've lost it again. Doesn't make it any less real three weeks ago.

I think this is a really interesting observation, and thank you for making it. And I like how you likened it to sunshine in Seattle. Enjoy it while it lasts. Maybe what you were enjoying was a level of peace. You don't ever have to forgive them (fully or at all) and some things are not forgivable long term but maybe they are temporarily. You deserve peace and I hope peace comes more often.

I am sorry you are feeling lonely, even in the company of those who love you and are safe to be with. I've had that feeling and it's hard to navigate.

I'm also glad that you love you. It's been a long time coming and I think it's important you keep reminding yourself and telling us. It's a huge development that likely needs its foundations cementing often in the early days. We love you too.