Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[StartingHealing]

 

[Dark.art.girl]

Papa Coco,

No one deserves to feel like this. Things we can't control are terrifying, like the unknown. Especially if you are feeling vulnerable.

I kind of understand what you're going through in a way. I've noticed that when I feel like I'm doing well mentally I try to control other aspects of my life and get scared or agitated over whether or not it goes my way. It's definitely a constant battle.

Sending love & safety your way.

[Papa Coco]

Dark.Art.Girl,

That was a profound comment: When you're feeling well mentally, you try to control other aspects and get scared or agitated.

I'm going to ponder this one for a while. Good food for thought

Also, I just figured out a few minutes ago, that empowerment is a fear-buster. I've been in situations where to help someone else, I needed to go into the worst parts of town unarmed. During those times, I wasn't even remotely afraid. I was one of the helpers. I felt empowered. The more empowered I feel, the less fear i carry. I guess that makes sense, right? Empowerment is the opposite of afraid.

As I age, I lose more and more feeling of empowerment, so therefore, the fear grows in the spaces where the empowerment vacates.

Food for thought.

Thanks for the love from you, and also from StartingHealing.

[sanmagic7]

i agree, PC, that with age the feeling of empowerment lessens.  we aren't as strong as we used to be, i know i'm not mentally as quick as before in sorting things out, coming up w/ viable solutions, not as quick on my feet - i couldn't outrun a baby anymore.  as someone once said, growing older is not for  . . . well, everyone, i guess, yet it's inevitable that we grow older so we have to make adjustments, including adjusting to the facts that we're not the way we used to be.  it's tough stuff, for sure.

driving has been a rough one for me.  i used to drive across the country by myself to visit another country, take weekend trips on my own to other parts of my country, enjoyed the freedom of being on the road alone, and had no cares or worries about what might happen.  that is not my truth anymore.  there are a few places around town i feel ok in driving to and from, but otherwise anxiety grips me.  what was is no more in so many ways. 

like i've said before to others - hang tough - i'm hangin' right beside you.  you're not alone is this.  love and hugs

[Papa Coco]

 
San, 

Your comments that I'm not alone in this, and that we're in this together mean a lot. The only passion I have left in life is to feel connected with other souls who I resonate with. And I resonate with your post big time.

Driving was my passion too until recent years. I've done a lot of cross-country road trips. It used to be relaxing to just take a drive when stress was bothering me. As a teen I even wanted to be a long haul truck driver so I could drive for a living, (and also, I had romanticized the life of living on the road, as many people did back in the 1970s). But fear has taken that joy of mine away also. I plan my entire life around traffic lulls now because I hate being in traffic so bad. Traffic ignites my Fight/Flight response really bad. I hate feeling trapped. And I'm fearful of all the things that can go wrong while driving: Mechanical issues, road rage, accidents, road closures, etc.

I have learned, over the last couple of years, that a traumatic childhood can lead to a glass-half-empty mindset for life. We, CPTSD sufferers can have a strong lean toward always waiting for the other shoe to drop. We know how bad things can get, so we can't forget that.

Again: the gray area for me is I'm still trying to find the line between natural fears associated with natural aging, versus Trauma fears that come from a difficult past.

[sanmagic7]

PC, i totally get the 'times it's safer to drive' thing!  where i live, it seems most accidents happen at intersections, so those are the places, especially in the afternoon when work's getting out, i'm more cautious than ever before.  and more scared.  and, yep, i have those fears you mentioned as well.  driving, especially on the road, so to speak, was my 'safe' place, and that's taken away now.  it doesn't leave us w/ a lot, does it.

i hate that we have to go thru this. fyi.

as far as what's trauma based and what's natural, i'm not sure either.  maybe they're intermixed for us now. my ex had terrible road rage, and i know there are others out there like that, for no reason except what was in his mind and how he perceived some perfectly normal (to me) lane-changing or whatever.  he took it completely personally, like they were doing it to him on purpose to make a fool out of him or something.  so, yeah, i think some of it is mixed.  my reflexes aren't as quick as they used to be, so i'm going to make some inadvertent mistakes once in a while, but how those might be perceived by others?  well, who knows?  fingers crossed and prayers flyin', for the most part.

we'll figure it out, or it won't really be worth figuring out, and we'll just do the best we can with what we've got.  or so i want to believe.  love and hugs

[Papa Coco]

San.

I'm going to totally get on board with your comments that maybe it's not worth figuring out which fears come from which source. We are who we are because of everything we've been through. Whether we remember going through it or not, we went through it and it shaped us and now we are who we are.

A bunch of today's most current authors on trauma are starting to teach that we need to stop dividing our internal parts within ourselves, and to love and embrace every part of ourselves, even the broken parts. My IFS parts, even the ones that give me trouble, want to be loved. And if I can love everything in my life, even the pain and suffering, then I'm gaining the love I need for my healing.

So I try to catch myself now whenever I get down on myself for dropping something, or losing something, or breaking something by remembering to love my clumsiness as a part of who I am. The holistic feeling of loving even the parts of myself I didn't used to love, is reeeeealy empowering. The love grows quickly. Even through my Autumn Anxiety, I suffer, but I love my suffering-self as much as I love any other part of my Self, and it seems to be giving me a new sense of inner strength and stability.

It feels like I've been broken into pieces my whole life, and those pieces are starting to come back together. I feel like I'm becoming less fractured, more like I'm being put back together.

I'll talk more about this as I get comfortable with it. I'm only just getting started on self-love. I need some time to practice it and see if it lasts or if it's temporary.  But I will say this: If someone like me can learn to love myself holistically, then that's a powerful statement on the power of love. Up to now I couldn't even muster up enough self-love to be able to stand looking at myself in a mirror.

 

[Chart]

PC, bears are scary. Sounds to me like many of your fears are totally and utterly appropriate. Your psychotic sister less than a mile off? She's gotta be ten times more dangerous than the bears. (Which makes me think an evil thought... maybe one of the bears will get her!) Sorry for that, couldn't help it.
But be understanding with yourself. Many of these things are legitimate fears that you do well to reflect on and prepare for eventualities. But don't stop living either. I know it's a difficult balance to see and decide upon. But I think you're doing really good, being rational and reasonable.
Sending love and support.
 

[NarcKiddo]

I agree it's hard to pick apart natural fears and trauma fears. And sometimes we do well to take our emotional bandwidth into account. These days I find myself considering that more and more. It kind of sucks when I decide not to do something because the emotional stress around it will likely negate much or all of the fun of what I was considering doing. Like a Christmas outing with the grandsons. They will be go-karting. We have done it before. Last time we went I just watched with some other family members who did not want to race. I thought it looked fun and said to my husband I might choose to do it, if we go again. Well, we are going again and he was going to book me in. But I know what else is in the diary around that time and I know things will be stressful. Aspects of the go-karting will be stressful and I know myself well enough now to back off. It will be fun enough to watch the grandsons zipping around.

I really like your post about loving your suffering self as much as your other parts. I think if we could all give our whole selves enough love and grace we would feel stronger. Thank you.

 

[sanmagic7]

your beginnings of self-love sound wonderful, PC.  i'm all for it. we may have been fragmented by others, but i do believe we are the ones who can put ourselves back together.  it may take a while, be piecemeal, spits and starts, but it sounds like you're doing it, and that's what counts.  keep going, ok?  love and hugs