looking for relief

[rainydiary]

I resonated with your reflection about your girl spirit being crushed - mine too and I hope we find it again.

[sanmagic7]

we're not alone w/ that one - we're doing this together, rainy.

[Armee]

San, sitting with you, holding your hand if that feels good, while you grieve the loss in your life and the pain D1 and exH caused you. I know it's a positive step to grieve but can't imagine the pain and exhaustion that goes with it. I feel grateful that you'll share your wisdom learned from this grief processing with me and us later when we need it. You do get to be a mess right now.

I get the feeling you are going to rise out of this grief and NN process lighter and happier and very true to your core self, free. Going through the fire you are going through is brave and loving of yourself. You step out and rest when you need a break and to recover but you keep going back in to finish the work. Go girl and beautiful warrior!

[sanmagic7]

thank you, armee.  that sounds lovely.  actually, it's my first mexican love i've been grieving, the whole dream of living w/ him there.  that was my original hope, anyway.  nearly 50 yrs. ago, and i'm just feeling it, recognizing it, grieving it now.  yeah, it hurts, but i had to let him go.  he's not the man i knew back then anymore, for one thing, the major thing.

and, yes, D1.  i'm realizing how badly she's hurt me, the pain she's caused me, how very vicious towards me she's been.  i read an old email from her to my T a couple weeks ago, one i hadn't seen, and it was full of vitriol it opened the wound again, bigger than ever.  there are a few more from her that i haven't and won't open, all back in 2015, right after i told her i wanted a respectful adult relationship w/ her, that she should contact me when she was ready for that.

all too sad.  this month it'll be 8 yrs.  i've had to have her be akin to dead in my mind.  she won't change.  she's done the same to my D, so both of us are NC.  my D has been terribly traumatized by her sister.  that hurts my heart as well.

thank you for being there for me.   

[sanmagic7]

i had to do some work on these relationships, especially w/ D1, which was driving me insane.  i did some eye movements to help me realize this was her choice to stay angry at me and treat me the way she did.  it was very disturbing to work on this and i came inside and ate a lot.  then i got so mad that these people have been so mean to me, so devastatingly mean, that i've had to go thru all this heartache and heartbreak because of them.

so i stabbed a styrofoam container maliciously over and over until i could breathe again.  it felt good.

i'm so sick of having to pay such a cruel price because of the words and actions of others.  on reflection, that relationship w/ my first mex. love needed to end, even if i didn't know it at the time.  i was spared, so i've heard since, a nightmare.  i don't want to go into details, but i'm able to tell myself i couldn't have made it different.  others have told me he married the wrong woman, and it made me think that his problems might not have been if it had been me instead of her.  that was a false concept.  i couldn't have done anything about it, and i would have been left behind in worse ways than i even experienced since.

and my D1 - well, no matter what she says about me, i know i did my best and she made choices and i couldn't fix her choices, either.  that sounds so elementary, yet it seems so huge to actually (hopefully) know that now.  i gave her everything i had and it was never enough.  that's something i can't help, fix, or change.

i'm really out of sorts right now.  this stuff has been eating me alive for so long.  i was able to know i'm happy to be w/ my D now, that she cares about and for me, accepts me, loves me, wants only the best for me.  it felt so good to get to a place of seeing something pos. in my life.  i've been living in absolute darkness.  this realization and knowing helped shed a bit of light for me.  i am blessed to be me and have her in my life.

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, san.  So much to feel and process, I hope there is some peace soon. Or at least more styrofoam for you. Sounds like a good outlet, honestly.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, CF.  more styrofoam would feel great!  gonna keep it in mind.   

[sanmagic7]

been feeling pretty good lately, was able to do some exercise, weights, stretching, taking it slowly (i thought) drinking lots of water.  unfortunately, i think even this, which is good for me, stressed my system out to the point that i was running to the john and yesterday i felt completely out of sorts, nearly dizzy.  i took in some electrolytes, and i think that helped, but today i'm back to feeling out of control and uneasy.

this is so cruel.  feeling good for a few days only to go down the dumper once more.  not fair!!!  decided to write this out tonite hoping it would help.  i don't know.

[rainydiary]

I resonate with this San.  I often think finding moments of ease is harder when it slips away again and again. 

[Armee]

It is cruel. 

[Not Alone]

"Cruel" is an appropriate word.     

[Snowdrop]

 

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i totally agree w/ you - sometimes it just tears me down w/ exhaustion.  thanks for your support

armee, thanks for the validation and all those hugs.  made me smile.

thanks, notalone, for the validation.  i appreciate it and you.

snowdrop, i loved that big hug.  brought me right in.  thank you.

am doing pretty good on incorporating some physical exercise into my day.  living in a 3rd-floor walkup gives me access to cardio w/o having to go outside, and i have a few little weights in my room that i'm getting back into.  i've learned the hard way i have to do them extremely slowly, or it puts me out of commission for a week or so.  plus one stretch to lengthen the muscles of my shoulders and upper back.  i've gotten so stooped over the past years.  just trying to loosen things up a bit, but it feels good (after the fact) to do it.

i attempted another run at my NN, but absolutely could not focus.  it's a little scary to thin some of those memories may have slipped away.  on the other hand, perhaps i've resolved them enough that it's time to move on.  just got that thought now.

so, my girl spirit in intact, my knowledge of being able to lean on my parents, have conversations w/ them, and ask questions or set up boundaries has been formed so far.  there's a big one coming up for me to tackle - i did not make friends easily, and when i began junior high i was alone.  i threw my energy into books and schoolwork (always trying to get my F to tell me he's proud of me - oops, that triggered another memory from a few years before.  i do have to tackle that one first - it's very important.

making my F proud of me was my life goal and primary focus back then.  i'd come home w/ great report cards, and he'd always say 'next time you can do better'.  i was very proud of myself for what i'd accomplished, but never heard any pride coming from my folks.  oooh, this is bringing up some stuff i hadn't realized was there. 

i've accomplished a lot in my life, professionally and personally, but except for one thing, i don't remember having a sense of pride about any of them.  for me to excel had always been expected.  how could i be proud of something that was already expected of me?  only if i went over and above (which my published paper means to me) could i take any joy in anything i did, have any sense ofeven accomplishment about it. 

bringing tears to my eyes, so i'm going to stop, but i know where my next piece of this pie is coming from.

[CactusFlower]

hugs, san, congrats on getting that indoor exercise. I totally resonate with the male parent never thinking something is good enough. I got that a lot. you are not alone in that.

[Armee]

YOU are a published author!!!! Papers! Books! A talented therapist! A mom! A competent traveller! I'm proud of you!

But mostly your kindness and tenacity. Wow.