how to bring up SA and sexuality with new therapist

[wobbly]

Hi everyone,

I am curious if and how other people have brought up certain subjects with a new therapist. I've never experienced this before, but I'm having three conversations with a potential therapist before even starting, to see if it's a good fit.

The last appointment is coming up, and I want to mention sexual assault, incest, and covert incest. And shortly describe how those resulted in intimacy and general relationship issues. I've never said any of that out loud, and I don't think I would feel the need to, if my last therapist hadn't done everything she could to avoid the subject. She would essentially go bright red every time, and then find a way to quickly move away from the subject sex altogether. She once even got up and paced around the room.

I don't want that to happen again, and want to see how this therapist responds. But. I have no idea how to. I feel embarassed and ashamed, I've never been able to say it out loud – typing is very different for me. It's going to be incredibly difficult to say that to someone who's basically a stranger. So I was hoping some of you have experience with bringing this up.

And just in case anyone has any experience with this too – I guess I could make a different post somewhere else, but I can't really find a more appropriate place – please tell me if that's a better idea. I want to mention I'm bisexual, and that I have some trauma around that. Again, this has to do with my last therapist not being the most progressive person, and not wanting that to happen again. So I asked for a LGBT+ friendly therapist, and this is a huge assumption, but I get the sense that this therapist is a gay man. Unfortunately my trauma mainly comes from experiencing biphobia from the LGBT+ community. Specifically, cis gay men and lesbians. Which results in me being very nervous to bring this up with him. On the one hand, I think it's kind of ridiculous to think a gay man would judge a bisexual woman, but it simply is my experience that LGBT+ friendly does not always mean accepting of bisexuals. And whatever I rationally think, I know it would be very triggering to get even a slightly negative response. And if he's straight, I'm afraid he won't understand a word of what I'm saying. I just don't know how to prepare myself or find the words.

Any thoughts or advice, it's all welcome. 



(I LOVED this emoji when I was young and can not resist using it, even though this isn't a cheerful subject, I have to. I LOVE HER. )

[Kizzie]

I think the idea of interviewing a therapist to find the right fit is an excellent idea. Maybe you could do the same with one or two others? Most do offer a free 30 minute consult and in most of the therapist databases they list the people they generally work with so you could search by LBGT+ therapists. See https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=881.msg6212#msg6212

[Bach]

Just want to express empathy on the subject of the lack of acceptance that bisexuals face from pretty much everyone other than bisexuals.  I've been dealing with that for the past forty years.  Best of luck to you.  I think interviewing a therapist to find the right fit is a great idea. 

And because you love her,    to you for tackling this difficult stuff and advocating for yourself.  Plus,  , but only if it's good for you 

[wobbly]

Hi Kizzie, well, I'd love to take credit, but this was more their idea. It's all covered by insurance where I live, so that's not a problem, but the waitinglist is so long that I don't see myself doing this with more therapists – not right now at least(as I kind of urgently need help). That would likely take years. It honestly doesn't feel great to wait 9 months, and then be told they might not accept me as a client. It just takes way too long, as it does in many countries. As far as looking for an LGBT+ therapist, that's also a little difficult in my country. It doesn't seem to be something that's registered anywhere – which I find very odd. Some therapists just happen to mention it on a website, but it's very rare. Because of that, and the long process, I've just added everything I'm looking for in my referral. It's annoyingly detailed, ha. And I do think that kind of worked, thankfully!

But the idea of interviewing therapists is great, of course, if it's possible. I wish I could take my time doing that.

__________

And thank you, Bach! So sorry you know how it feels. It can get really intense. And I feel like it's only really been recognized in recent years. I can't imagine dealing with it for 40 years, for me it started about 15 years go, and LGBT+ people saying "that's not a real thing" was pretty much the norm even then. It's very easy to minimize it, I've found, but biphobia can do a lot of harm.
And thank you for giving me more of her! haha Best emoji ever created, if you ask me. I will gladly accept that virtual adorable hug and reciprocate.

[Blueberry]

The last appointment is coming up, and I want to mention sexual assault, incest, and covert incest. And shortly describe how those resulted in intimacy and general relationship issues. I've never said any of that out loud, and I don't think I would feel the need to, if my last therapist hadn't done everything she could to avoid the subject. She would essentially go bright red every time, and then find a way to quickly move away from the subject sex altogether. She once even got up and paced around the room.

I don't want that to happen again, and want to see how this therapist responds. But. I have no idea how to. I feel embarassed and ashamed, I've never been able to say it out loud – typing is very different for me. It's going to be incredibly difficult to say that to someone who's basically a stranger. So I was hoping some of you have experience with bringing this up.

I have experience with trying to sound therapists out. Trying to suss them out to see if they're going to take me and my stuff seriously. I wish you didn't feel as if you have to say that stuff out loud because ime that in itself can be really tough. 
I wonder if it's possible to ask straight out whether the T can deal with hearing about sexual assault, incest and covert incest? Because if a T can't handle that and the repercussions it has on us, they're maybe in the wrong field? Like a veterinarian not being able to handle a dog barking. Or maybe a T who can't handle that should make it clear in advance? e.g. 'Cases of emotional abuse only'.   

It's not your embarrassment and shame btw, it's the previous Ts.  I'm sorry you had to go through that. I can understand being worried it'll happen again. Keepign fingers crossed for you that it won't.

I want to mention I'm bisexual, and that I have some trauma around that. Again, this has to do with my last therapist not being the most progressive person, and not wanting that to happen again. So I asked for a LGBT+ friendly therapist, and this is a huge assumption, but I get the sense that this therapist is a gay man. Unfortunately my trauma mainly comes from experiencing biphobia from the LGBT+ community. Specifically, cis gay men and lesbians. Which results in me being very nervous to bring this up with him. On the one hand, I think it's kind of ridiculous to think a gay man would judge a bisexual woman, but it simply is my experience that LGBT+ friendly does not always mean accepting of bisexuals. And whatever I rationally think, I know it would be very triggering to get even a slightly negative response. And if he's straight, I'm afraid he won't understand a word of what I'm saying. I just don't know how to prepare myself or find the words.

I don't have any experience but your writing is quite clear and if I can understand it, maybe a straight T could (or even should) as well? And a bisexual T is not just a bisexual, but also a T! That should give them some insight. I hope so for you, I really do. I don't want to sound flippant either. I've had my fair share of therapists who didn't live up to my expectations, shall we say. My fair share of retraumatisation thru therapists, including trauma therapists.

I'm sorry if any of what I wrote sounds less than helpful. I'm not in the best frame myself atm but your post has caught my eye a couple of times.