Troubles with Teenagers(trigger warning)

[Heresthegist]

I have two older teens(still minors). Both have recently been causing a lot of chaos. One is hospitalized currently due to attempts to harm themselves and while there has habitually been making reports of SA about both parents(we are divorced but civil), their ex, and several friends. I want to make it very clear my child also admitted four of these times that they either 'made a mistake' or flat out lied. Ultimately I can't fully blame them as it's clear they are presenting a severe and possibly lifelong mental illness, but having to give statements to child services and law enforcement when it's your own kid doing the accusation- and then having to expose their lying about a very serious matter by proving your own innocence(which feels like a betrayal to your baby)...I'm reaching my limit of what I can handle emotionally. It feels like my child is severing our bond entirely while they smile and ask me to buy them more hair gel each time we talk.

My other teen has recently begun talking very disparagingly about me to their friends then denies they did, until even their friends are pointing out that I have a point(!) and that yes, they are talking trash. I get that all this must be extremely disruptive and difficult to navigate, I also get that I've always been the 'safe parent' for these kind of melt downs with both kids. I get why my other child is acting this way, but it hurts a lot. A lot, a lot.

All of this has come on the heels, and I believe is directly linked to, the sudden and traumatic loss of their step parent(my spouse). I am already a survivor of severe childhood abuse and neglect by my caregivers. I do not have the stamina I would assume a 'normal' parent would have to begin with. It was why I never planned on having kids of my own, until my sister got herself locked up and I took in two babies in a row. Now I'm wondering with the mess that has unfolded, if I made the right decision in taking them in at all.

[Kizzie]

So sorry to hear you have such a plateful right now Heresthegist. Teens can be a real handful at the best of times, add in trauma in the family and things can get really bad. 

Just a suggestion here but it sounds like a family therapist may be needed to help everyone sort things out.  Also, possibly a personal therapist for you because you are being so triggered? 

Parenting is hard enough but for us with our history of trauma, no real role models to look to, and for most of us a lack of support it's just a lot, too much. 

    

[Lakelynn]

Hello Heresthegist,

I'm sorry you are being stretched to the max while doing your best to hold it all together. The sudden loss of your spouse is enough to sink anyone. I'm so sorry for your loss. It is particularly difficult because society doesn't respond "well" or appropriately to those circumstances. I have been there.

When faced with services, of any kind, even though the stated intention is to help, often what happens is just the opposite. And navigating those systems, getting intakes, whatever is often another job too.

If there is ANYONE at all in your life, which you feel "gets you" even in the smallest way, please reach out and connect with them. If that's not possible, maybe go through your memory and recall a place in public, or in nature, where you felt safe. Then take a bit of time to put yourself there.
It doesn't have to be a long time, but possibly try out 15 minutes or more, to see if you get the same relief.

I had severe difficulties with my D during her adolescence. I asked the courts for help declaring her a person in need of supervision. (PINS) While this is not your case, there may be avenues that are appropriate. You might reach out to a social worker, not affiliated with your ongoing cases.

Take heart. You have held on this long. Something is going to change.