Saying hello, & had a sociopathic mother

[Kraggy]

I am recovering from a covert narcissistic sociopathic Nmom. First I never knew this can actually cause physical ailment in the body, But having lived through this, it makes much more sense now. Also my NPD mother is still trying to get into my life. She wants phone calls. I no longer place them. the last several calls she abuses me to where I start having heart palpitations. I have told one of my siblings I still want to visit with one another but without "mom" because it has deep physical impact upon me and I get faint and  develop heart flutters. Am I allowed to recount what she replied here? Without giving the detail (which I will never forget) The response was out of fear for her life. In other words, the sibling responded by telling me that she was worried our NMom would do something very bad to her if we were to get together without NMom also joining in. Wow. In recalling why this is, I recall quite clearly, there was a long history of us siblings getting together and if NMom heard about it either she (Nmom) deceived her way into being part of the gathering, or started little 'fires' between sibs to ensure the meeting never took place. Thats just the tip pf the iceberg. Her personal vendettas and smearing, and division of the family is astounding let alone the continued targeting and personal attacks.
Therefore,  I have gone severely  LC. I will not give her my current residence. But annually she finds clever ways to get me to spill the beans. I refuse.
Has anyone else tried LC over NC? And if so what is the reason?  Going NC instead of NC at this time, well, its actually out of fear of reprisal. It horrible to know you were only used as a tool and never properly loved let alone nurtured by your own biological mother.

[Armee]

I found it deeply difficult to describe even to my therapist. It took a couple years really, and I brought my sister once and she was able to describe things pretty clearly more in 50 minutes than I had been able to do in 2 hrs a week for more than a year. They sow a lot of doubt into us and each individual example is relatively small by itself.

I wasn't able to go no contact with my mom because it would have made my PTSD even worse but things were really really bad and I was very sick from interacting with her. Luckily she passed away before she was 70 so I got a break relatively young. If her death wasn't imminent I was sick enough I would have needed to go very low or no contact. It's just I knew there was an imminent end. I say listen to your body as much as you can, it's telling you what you need.

I'm sorry it is really hard to describe to kids. I'm sure others have good advice on that. I avoided it but they definitely knew something was up.

[Kraggy]

Thanks for chiming in Armee. I read the part where you feel lucky since her health was bad later in life and she did not get past 70. Only a fellow survivor can truly get the pain of that, as in firsthand. And I get it. Funny kids really pick up on things that adults dont even fully understand just how much. I put alot of effort into the nurturing because I could not bear to have anything close to this ever happen to them. Anyway great to hear from you

[Kizzie]

I am LC with my NM both for fear of the reprisal (smear campaign mostly) and because at her age (92) I don't want all the N drama and chaos for her or I.  I just want an end that is less about her NPD and more about our keeping some degree of respect and peace if that makes sense.

When I say LC, it is very low - email mostly.  She is hard of hearing so we don't talk on the phone - don't think I could - and she lives on the other side of the country so we don't visit.

So sorry you're not able to go NC out of fear of reprisal, I understand exactly what you mean and it is not a good place to be at all. 

[Papa Coco]

HI Kraggy

My heart goes out to you. My big family (5 kids) ended up with a Narcissister who was 11 years older than me. I was #4 of 5 and she was #2 of 5. She did much of the same things your Nmom does to your family. Threats. Guilt. Lies. Rumors. Gossip. Starting wars. I still shudder if I let myself relive any of those years for more than a moment.

I tried LC for decades. It didn't work. Narcissism recruits teams to go after the one who won't play by their rules. In 2008, my baby sister, who I loved more than all the rest of the family put together, took her own life. That started the dominoes to fall. By 2010 my narcissister had turned the entire family into a chaotic mess of lies and rumors. My own siblings were refusing to speak to me, and to this day I don't know what the narc said to them to make them believe I needed to be punished by ignoring me.  It was the end. I have been suicidal my entire life BECAUSE of this family's lies and rumors, and by my parents and elder siblings all repeatedly allowing the one narc to rule them all. (Psychologists call these pawns "Flying Monkeys" because they are like the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz, who hated the witch, but still killed whomever she told them to kill).

On my 50th birthday in 2010, I changed my phone numbers, email addresses, put an alarm and cameras all over my house, and went totally NO CONTACT. It's been 12 years since I've ever spoken to any of them.  I learned that you never start healing from trauma while the trauma is still happening. On the day I walked away from the entire family, my healing has taken a whole new life.  Therapy finally started to work. During the 30 years I was in therapy WHILE I was still letting my family abuse me, all that therapy did was get me from one week to the next without killing myself. Once I went NC, I stopped the abuse once and for all, and suddenly, my therapist was able to make great strides in my healing.

So, to your question, I personally found NC to work much, much, much better than LC.