Patchwork Quilt Past

[DevinEvePhoenix]

 Hello...
My name is Devin, I am 48, and I have just begun being able to learn about c-ptsd without dissociating and not being able to retain anything.
My background is a patchwork quilt of childhood traumas. My mother is a covert narcissist who never attached to us and ritually whipped us from the time we were 3. My father died when I was a baby, my step-father is both a pedophile and sociopathic, and my paternal grandfather was a serial child rapist. My entire adolescence was spent in extreme agricultural labor trafficking.
I did manage to graduate high school, escape the farm, and start over in college. I learned to mask, to present as normal, and I spent the second half of my life trying to pretend the first half didn't happen. But, of course it did, and it influenced all my decisions in ways I didn't understand.
I missed learning so much, and adulthood was a struggle. I was honest with a professional about the sexual abuse I had memory access to, and I ended up with a team of therapists and sponsors who helped me, although I wasn't able to really understand what they were doing, at the time. They helped me learn be a good parent and learn to manage things like running a household, but when my therapist changed jobs, I wasn't able to get past it and keep going with therapy.
I ended up in relationships that were very unhealthy, and about 4 years ago started seeing a therapist to deal with the high-conflict co-parent I share custody with.
I wasn't willing to actually delve into the past or my issues, and I didn't even know what it meant to truly trust a therapist. But she saw a lot that I was oblivious to and started building a foundation of trust.
Then, 9 months ago, I went back and visited family. I hadn't been back in years. I saw the twisted dynamics in neon, and the illusion of my mother that I had nurtured for so long fell crashing to the floor. I had two telesessions with my therapist while I was there, then I packed up the kids and left early.
Since then, I've been in intense therapy, and am starting to be able to understand more. I feel like I am waking up from spending most of my life half asleep. Before, I didn't even know what autonomy was. Now, I'm learning about boundaries, self-worth, and self-talk. I'm starting to make sense of the dissociation and memory-loss. I feel like both my memory and identity are in pieces. But the two things that feel biggest right now are learning about attachment and the disparity between my emotional age and physical age.
I feel like this attachment to my therapist is allowing her access to my subconscious, because even though I can't remember most of a session, I still feel like I am putting puzzle pieces together. I am learning that maybe it's ok to "let someone in"--and nine months ago I didn't even understand that phrase... I have always felt cut off from people and alone, until her. She provides long-term treatment, and I expect I will be with her until one of us dies. I've reached a place where I can accept that my situation is so complex, I will always benefit from therapy. I tell her that she's a foster parent for kids like me who should have been removed from the home.
Writing takes a major place in my life, and I frequently use it to process. I write a lot of poetry and song lyrics to help with the emotional side.
Today, I don't really know who I am, but at last I am learning!

[paul72]

Welcome Devin
I'm glad you're here and thankful for you joining
I hope you find being here and sharing here beneficial to your healing.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a very warm welcome to OOTS Devin, glad you found your way here to us 

It sounds like your trip home brought down some of the walls you had in place to protect you.  So glad to hear you have help working through that as it really seems like a lot to process. You sound ready to dive in like it or not though so hope you will continue to post about how you're doing.  Writing can be therapeutic as you've said, not just for you but those of us reading. That's the beauty of a community like this - sharing the burden and learning from one another.   

[Armee]

Welcome! It sounds like you are with a great therapist and that you've made such amazing progress.

[Not Alone]

Hi Devin, welcome. I'm sorry to hear the horrors you were subjected to in your childhood. 

[Kraggy]

Welcome Patchwork
Glad you wrote in and that your here
What a breakthrough you have had. Its wonderful that you could connect with the current T you are seeing and that they earned your trust!

[Papa Coco]

HI Devon,

Wow. I'm impressed with your story. I have been dealing with my dissociations since I was 10. I know how it feels to have therapy sessions that I can't remember.  So many times, my therapist would say "We're out of time," And I'd say, "But I just got here!"  Because I honestly believed I'd only been in his office for 5 minutes.  He'd tell me that it was okay that I'd dissociated all through the session, because the therapy was still working, even if I couldn't remember it all.

I also resonate with your comment that when you revisited your old family, you saw them in a much more realistic light. I personally believe that the fact that you'd gone no contact with them for so long, you were able to do a lot of eye opening healing during their absence from your life. I believe that healing from trauma can't begin until the trauma stops. By going no contact for a few years, you'd stopped their trauma attacks, and allowed yourself to absorb some healing.   When I look back at the 50 years of fear and confusion that my own family had put me through, I struggle to believe that I couldn't see who they were back then. I can see it clear as a bell now. Narcissists, sociopaths, liars, thieves. They're not "complicated." They're common thugs and faithful followers of thugs. Nothing more and nothing less. I see it so clearly now.

The good news, for me, is that they taught me how to spot narcissists from a mile away. Narcs don't seem to have ANY power over me anymore. Whew! That's the one good thing that came out of my "school of hard knocks" family.

Welcome to the forum. I hope you feel safe to speak freely here. I do. I've found a lot of really good people here on this site. None of whom do I need to explain myself to. They already know what it feels like to be treated the way we've all been treated. It's a great place to spend some time in camaraderie with likeminded people, most of whom are sharing a path to healing.