eye contact *possible trigger*

[1lovecoffee+stars74]

Hi this is my 3rd post tonight (it will be the last). I hope i am not flooding the bord to much.

I am struggling with eye contact. I always have, due to childhood trauma. It took me ages to learn body language. I has got worse over the last few  years. Along with my social anxiety disorder.

The problem is i still look at people. I just look down. I am not thinking about were i am looking when I am speeking. So i can seem like i am stairing at peoples bodies. Its really embarrassing when i realise and im sure how i act when i realise makes it seem worse. (Red face, panic, don't know where to look).

The episode then triggers me and i am in a panic for a few hours. Possibly have a panic attack.  Im then wierd around them. I feel bad people don't deserve that. They don't deserve to be avoided, because I can not physically speak to them or look at them.

Has anyone had a similar issue? How do you deal with it?

Any advice on eye contact?
Thank you

[Armee]

Oh me, too, for sure. I bet you aren't making people uncomfortable though.

With some people you could experiment with letting them know...but not in all situations. Or even most.

I only started being able to make eye contact with my therapist of more than 3 years when we started doing a specific EMDR technique where the bilateral stimulation comes from alternating clapping your hand against your leg left right left right etc. The therapist does it along with you, facing you, clapping their hand against their own leg. As I did that with my therapist it became easier to look at him, briefly. I think it might be because it's kind of similar to playing Patty cake! Since then it's been a little easier.

I also noticed even before that that I wasn't even making eye contact with objects. When I noticed that I started looking at things with both eyes, really looking and fixing my eyes on the object and the totally coolest thing happened!!! I gained depth perception that I had no idea I was missing. It made the whole world so beautiful and amazing.

I think we are all just doing the best we can with the scars we carry and the adjustments we had to make to get through our lives. The more honest we can be with those around us maybe the easier it will be to accept ourselves as we are. It's OK that you can't make eye contact. It really is.

[woodsgnome]

Eye contact has never been my best modus operandi, but as Armee points out, feel I've done the best I could with it. I've performed well in both on-stage acting and performing music, but I noticed a tendency to 'lose' it when direct eye contact would occur. It scared me, even without immediate cause, based mostly of course on bad memories.

The 'why' is easily explained -- I have a pronounced fear of people stemming from multiple traumas. Despite that, I was able to interact with people -- had to, especially in the two areas mentioned above. Somehow I seemed to be able to overcome that, and other than social pressure, didn't fully catch that eye contact is as important as some say it is. When I tried apologizing for my lack of eye contact to my T, she waved it off as a normal protection strategy used by many trauma survivors.

There's sometimes a cultural component involved. Some cultures don't consider eye contact it as much as others do.

That said, I guess from what you've shared, ILoveCoffee, I'd just suggest re-directing your gaze upwards a tad, still avoiding direct eye contact if necessary. Speaking more to the periphery than directly at a person. I've always done that and unless it's pointed out as a problem (I can't recall that it ever has), I feel okay with it.

I hope you can at least become a little more comfortable with this. And start by going easy on yourself.   

[1lovecoffee+stars74]

Thank you both, its actually made me feel so much more comfortable just hearing that

[CactusFlower]

I second woodsgnome's comment on the cultural aspect. I was a military dependent as a kid and spent several of my formative years in Asian countries. To this day, I find direct eye contact feels rude and disrepectful. It's a hard thing to work on when that's not the "norm" in America. I'm often not sure when to actually meet someone's eyes or how long to hold it before it's considered uncomfortable.

[Mary Ann]

Hi love coffee,
Few days late for this I know,...
Eye contact is something I've struggled with such a lot as well...and I agree with  Armee , people aren't perhaps as bothered about eye contact  as you think?
I can't keep eye contact  with my therapist at all, can't even begin too.
And the worse I'm feeling  mentally the poorer my eye contact becomes.
The good thing is though, that the people who care about me, like very close friends use it as a barometer...to gauge what my heads doing...on those days I'm struggling but can't explain...so it's useful in that way, at least for me.

[1lovecoffee+stars74]

Thank you

I appreciate the comment. I don't feel that it is too late. Thank you for the time you have taken to make it.

[Master of my sea]

I'm massively late to this post but it resonated with me.
I have struggled with eye contact for as long as I can remember. There are very few people I can make eye contact with and it's not for long. It makes me feel really exposed. I have only had it pointed out to me by one person and that's only in recent years. This is the first person who has either noticed or said anything, but they clocked on to what I do almost immediately.

I look at peoples' foreheads or the space between their eyebrows. It looks like eye contact to the other person (most of the time). I learned to do this in my teens when I started taking drama at school and have done it ever since.
I will look at people's eyes to gauge emotions/intent but usually I do this when they aren't looking directly at me and if eye contact is made, I hold it for a second before I look away.

Like I say massively late to the party lol but just wanted to share

[NarcKiddo]

Only just came across this post, probably because of the recent reply by Master of my sea.

I, too, have always struggled with eye contact and I generally look over the other person's shoulder, or at their mouth if I need to gauge what they are feeling.

I am currently working on maintaining eye contact in casual social interaction where I know the person is no danger to me.

[Master of my sea]

I don't have many face to face, social interactions so I find that I struggle even more now than I did before.

My son doesn't really do eye contact either but he is still quite young so that could just be an age thing. I do wonder though if it is something he has picked up from me

[Papa Coco]

This is so interesting.

I have always, always looked at people's noses or mouths. When I try to make eye contact with anyone I get a wave of anxiety, as if I'm not worthy to look them in the eye.

I'm so glad you revived this old thread. I'm shocked to find out I'm not the only person who can't make eye contact with others. For me, I've always assumed it's a sense that I'm not worthy. OR perhaps, as in some cultures, eye contact is seen as aggression, and I am very, very conflict averse. I will do anything to avoid conflict.

Time to do some research.

Thanks for bringing this up!