self harm while dissociated

[Larry]

i recently found myself at the bottom of a swimming pool.  it was late,  after midnight,  in a pool at a hotel next door.  i didn't know how i got there.   i don't know what i was trying to do,  but it really scared me.  i think i was walking home from the bar.   i really don't want to hurt myself,  but when i get dissociated,  what am i supposed to do ? 

[Armee]

That's really scary, Larry and I am glad you survived.

If it is outside awareness the only solution I can imagine lies in what decisions you make for yourself when you are not dissociated. Making safety plans like not being anywhere near a pool, having someone you can call to be with when you feel unsafe, and choosing to get help through therapy or inpatient care. What's happening is quite dangerous.

[Larry]

i have no idea why i get that way,  i haven't had feelings of self harm lately.   

[Armee]

That's the tricky thing with dissociation is we think we haven't had certain feelings, but sometimes the evidence is undeniable. You recently found yourself at the bottom of a pool about a month after attempting to drown yourself, right? So even if those thoughts and actions don't feel like yours...they are. And they affect your one single body's integrity.

[Larry]

i thought i was doing so good,  but the last week or 2,  i have been drinking more,    i don't know why.   i just want to be drunk all the time.  i don't want to remember.   i relly don't like anything about the past.  i just want to be numb.    i really don't like emotions !

[Armee]

No. They can really suck. They only way is slower than snail's pace and after you have safe coping mechanisms in place. I'm sorry Larry. I wish it were easier. It's not. But it feels so much better once you start getting through on the other side. Not easy, pretty miserable, worth it. But we need help, you know?

[Larry]

i really need help.    i thought i could do this.     i have been bouncing between doing good and being lost.   i just don't know what to do .  i feel so alone right now

[Blueberry]

Small steps, Larry. Baby steps. Once a T said to me that I wanted to do kilometres of progress but I need to be content with centimetres or even millimetres.

We also say here: one step forward, two steps back. It is unfortunately normal to bounce around a lot between doing well and doing badly or feeling lost. There may actually be progress in those times but ime it's very difficult/ almost impossible to feel this progress. Sometimes other people on the forum see my progress when I don't. Probably mbrs on here who read your posts more often than I do will be able to see your progress and tell you.

[Kizzie]

   BB has been here for a long time as I have and it's quite true for many (most) of us that it's a forward and back kind of journey, but generally the movement is forward over time.

You have support here, do you have any in real life?  Have you thought about joining an AA group? Do you have a therapist?  If not these are actions you can take to surround yourself with support on your journey.   We all need help along the way.   

[Larry]

i did 4 therapy sessions,   the last one my T talked about AA.  i know i need to do something.   i haven't had a session in 4 or 5 weeks.    maybe i will reach out to my T tomorrow. 

[Kizzie]

      Recovery can feel daunting at first but gets better as you go along.