Rainy Journal 2022

[rainydiary]

San & Papa Coco, thank you, I appreciate your support.  I am reflecting that there were two people at work in my newest job that listened a lot this spring.  But summer always makes things weird.  I think this all goes along with the defensiveness I've noticed in myself.  There is more to unravel.
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Today I notice I am holding both my worry for what is to come with feeling relatively ok.

I did a yoga session that focused on the hips and found it really beneficial.  I noticed that my thoughts went back to times where I learned hard lessons - looking back on those times makes me feel a ton of shame.

Although it is still a bit up and down, my shoulder is starting to consistently feel a bit better.  I am noticing that it is difficult to explain this experience to people in healing professions  - when my shoulder is touched by another person, I don't experience pain to their touch.  It is something deeper.  I generally have been trying to be more gentle with my body as I do hold a lot of tension and hope that I am trending in the right direction.

I start some work meetings on Wednesday.  I feel very unsettled because I do not understand how the beginning of the school year looks and because I have two schools assigned it is even less clear of where I go and when.  I am trying to notice in myself my instinct to know before I am supposed to know and to be 100% prepared from day 1 - that isn't possible.

My husband is getting ready to go on a trip.  I am looking forward to some time to myself - but I am also worried about how this trip will go for him.  He is taking a road trip to visit the town we just moved from.  For some reason I will never understand he opted to invite his dad.  His dad is making all these demands and expects my husband to provide things for him - a ride home (1000+ miles), stuff he will need for the trip, etc.  I am trying to remember that this is between my husband and his dad....it just gets complicated when I know how these types of things end up and I am tired of watching my husband get hurt by his parents.

I hope I can sleep well enough the next few nights and go easy on myself.

[Papa Coco]

RainyDiary

Good luck with your school meetings. Hopefully the butterflies will settle in your stomach as soon as things get rolling. First day jitters are normal, but my experience with schools, from K through College, is that they are not always as organized and communicative as I would like them to be. Lots of "flying by the seat of the pants" with them. At least that was my experience as a student and a parent of students.

Interesting about your husband and his dad. I guess I held onto my relationships with my parents too long myself. Even if they're demanding and demeaning to us, our parents are our parents. Sometimes I think I was more involved in the relationship I wanted with my dad then the one I really had. I hope your husband's trip goes well and that he finds what he's looking for.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, the thing with your H and his dad really struck a chord w/ me.  i've been working on the idea of my D still having a relationship w/ her F (my ex), and how upsetting it is to me that she still interacts w/ him.  my T finally told me (after i've brought this up many times in session) that maybe this is her path, and she needs to be on it for herself.  lt made sense to me, when put in those terms, and released me from the bulk of my concerns and mistrust.  she's an adult and must be allowed to choose her own way.  don't know if that makes sense to you, or is helpful, but just thought i'd write it down.  love and hugs, my dear.  i hope things go smoothly, including the school stuff.   

[rainydiary]

Papa Coco, thank you for your support.  In my experience a lot of assumptions are made in school districts and people are stretched so thin.  I also have a role that weaves between systems and folks don't understand (or seem to) that so well.  I hope my husband finds what he is looking for too.
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San, thank you.  I appreciate your words - I have been trying to see and accept that my husband is on his own path too.  It is hard for me but I am seeing that this isn't about me.  I struggle because I react to his experiences from my own perspective and am trying to give him space to do his thing with regard to this.
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Whew, I am upset today. 

While getting a haircut today, I acknowledged to my stylist that I am not actually dreading going back to work.  I feel nothing. 

I don't think that there is actually lack of feeling but defeat.  I have tried so hard for so long and I don't want to keep trying at this work. 

At this point I am returning because I signed a contract.  I need the income so that hopefully my husband and I can buy a house at some point.  And I still do enjoy seeing students.

My mom keeps texting me - I think she is worried about me but it just upsets me.  I give her short, factual answers.  I hate that I don't get comfort from her or my dad. 

I might write some recovery letters soon.

[rainydiary]

Good grief - my husband just shared that his parents will come visit us in January because plane tickets are on sale.

It doesn't matter what I feel or think about that as they will come whenever they want regardless of the convenience to us.  They are now retired so don't have constraints on their time whereas we have jobs.

What upsets me is that their last visit here in June was deeply unpleasant for everyone....so I don't understand why they continue to force this.

I just don't need this stress right now.  I get upset because I know this will just be a repeat of everything that has already happened and yet they will come. 

[CactusFlower]

HUGS, rainy. I'm sorry you have to deal with such selfishness. it sounds like they have some control issues, perhaps. Wishing you the energy you need for many upcoming things.

[rainydiary]

Thank you Cactus - these folks have a lot of things going on for sure.  I appreciate your support.
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I am struggling today.

I did a workout this morning and watched some interesting shows today which gave some temporary relief.

I don't have a ton of energy to give a lot of thought to my in-laws and their insistence on visiting.  I think what this also brought up is that the holiday season is approaching.  I loathe it because my husband and I have not yet successfully navigated the holidays without a ton of drama.  That is a topic for a different day.

I am also upset about my husband's upcoming trip.  I don't mind that he is going but the inclusion of his father makes me ill.  I also do get anxious when he leaves as I worry something will happen and I won't be there.  But this is his thing and all I can do is support him from afar.

A lot of depression came up today about starting work.  I don't even know how to put into words what is wrong and what it is I want.

I know that I can do the job.  I have enough experience that I can meet the bare minimum and get by.  Seeing students will also lift my spirits.  But I don't feel like I can handle coworker relationships.

Tomorrow I have some virtual trainings - I am interested in the information. 

I have vague visions of greater things for myself.  I am just so worn down by unkindness and meanness and lack of respect. 

[sanmagic7]

it seems like you're being pushed from 2 completely different angles, rainy - his parents and the whole school thing - and that would be difficult to navigate, for sure. 

hang tough, ok?  your H is doing his thing and he'll either 'get it' one day or he won't.  either way, it's out of your control (i'm just learning this), which is often difficult to realize and accept.  i get it.  hope your meetings go well and that you'll be pleasantly surprised as the school year begins.  love and a hug filled w/ letting go.   

[Blueberry]

it seems like you're being pushed from 2 completely different angles, rainy - his parents and the whole school thing - and that would be difficult to navigate, for sure. 

 

[rainydiary]

Thank you San and BB - I do feel like my preoccupation with my in-laws is another job.  I think I keep expecting myself to not react so strongly to them while also expecting I will never hear from them again (which isn't realistic).  I have noticed my husband adjusting some things about his interactions with them which intensifies their tendencies.  I appreciate you supporting me. 
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I am tired today and rather overwhelmed.

I knew I needed to be up this morning so I kept waking up during the night and checking my clock.  I also had a nightmare that my cat was eaten by a harbor seal. 

I did two work trainings on Zoom today.  I enjoyed the one this morning.  The presenters shared a list of "capital" people have.  When I am less tired I may share it here as it was helpful.  It framed for me that I have been an alternative voice in my work and that I have met resistance for that.  It made me feel like I haven't done anything wrong overall.

The afternoon session was harder for me to attend to.  The information was good but the delivery was tough for me and I had a really hard time paying attention.

Today a person from work reached out to me.  She had tried to be my friend before break (I think?) and I am really ashamed of how I interact with her.  She and I had tentatively made plans to meet over the summer but that didn't happen.  I see ways that I acted toward her to keep her at a distance.  I tried apologizing today.

I did end up asking her to explain how the school year starts.  I'm glad I did because she let me know lots of things that were not made clear to me.  What I learned is: I am expected to reach out to schools and let them know I work with them (my assumption had been that the boss would send that out), people start work on Monday "if they want" (a situation where you need the information but aren't officially expected to show up), and that I need to be more proactive in getting my materials I need.

I am a bit triggered by all this - I haven't done anything wrong, but folks do not understand how it feels to be an abuse survivor and feel a huge sense of panic when I have to scramble to meet unclear expectations.

Something that is interesting to me is that a lot of messaging I've gotten from the trainings I've done is to be culturally responsive to students.  I am sure the district sort of tries to be culturally responsive to adults in ways that are recognized....but I wouldn't say their approach is responsive to trauma survivors and neurodivergent people. 

When my brain settles down (probably in several months), I will find a way to express this experience and thoughts.  I am hesitant because I was so open about my experiences with my last job and that was used against me in really nasty ways.

I hope I feel a bit better tomorrow.  As upset as I am about my husband leaving, it will help in many ways for him to not be here while I get back to work.  It will be less energy I need to give to many things while I adjust to new schedules and routines.

[Armee]

I can't believe your workplace gives such little information! That would be stressful and infuriating. Also your inlaw visit. Perhaps thats something that you can practice just putting out of your head until it's closer? I hated letting worries about my mom's behavior ruin my week before it was actually time to worry and fret. It gave her too much power over my day to day life. Easier said than done to just focus on the present...but I did try that and when I could do it it did help a bit. Doesn't change reality. Just protects it a bit.

[CactusFlower]

Rainy- I can see how that would be tiring and overwhelming. Thank goodness she was willing to share so you got that info. I agree, it seems to put the burden on the person hired rather than the school. Here's hoping for the best for you and the energy to get through what you need. Gentle hugs if you want them.

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate your support.  I am reflecting that this isn't the first time I've had such little information.  I think it has always been like this in these jobs and I haven't understood that.  Now that I understand I can find a way to process and act.
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CF, I appreciate your support.  I feel fortunate that someone helped me as I wouldn't have known otherwise.  I will say that as upset as I was yesterday, I am managing relatively well today.
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I'm in a weird place today.  Tomorrow is my husband's birthday and the day he will be preparing to leave.  He has been a bit on edge and I think it is about both of those things.  I think that tomorrow will feel really difficult.

Yesterday I was able to put in motion some requests to get access to things I need online and to request picking up my computer.  I also got more information about what is happening and have a plan for Monday and Tuesday at least.

Today I accomplished a lot.  I had to drive twice to the military base to renew my pass because the first time I didn't have enough documentation for them to process my form.  It is absurd and I was annoyed but I was able to get it done. 

During both trips I had meaningful connections with strangers.  On my first visit, I spoke to a person who also works in the same district.  She validated that the experience is weird and not good.  It made me feel a bit better to hear someone else say "yeah this is not ok."  On the second trip, a military member stopped me to ask for help.  I didn't understand his question because I am not in the military.  I was able to be a listener to him - he appeared anxious and needed someone to listen.  I saw a lot of military members today, some I imagine were just out of high school.  It made me have a lot of feelings I don't really understand.

I was able to get a computer and the one they gave me today is so much better than the one I had earlier this year.  They gaslit the heck out of me when I said that computer sucked because they misunderstood the age of the computer I was given.  At this point I don't care as the one I now have works so much better and that will relieve a lot of stress (the last computer I had would take at least 45 minutes to boot up every day). 

I spent some time today looking through files to understand the students I may be working with.  Registration is still in process so I will need to double check the information in the coming weeks but just spending that time today will help me not worry about it as much. 

Given all of this, I think I am managing relatively well.  My shoulder is a bit tight from stress.  But I am not holding on to all of this as intensely as I would have in the past. 

[CactusFlower]

Rainy- glad you were able to get a better computer. Tech issues can be stressful. Also glad that it's a bit better today and that someone validated your experience. it's nice to at least know you're not the only one. Gentle hugs if you want them.

[rainydiary]

Thank you CF - I set some intentions for myself for this coming school which were essentially to be present and to observe my tendency towards defensiveness.  I wonder if I am showing more openness which led to these conversations. 
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I am feeling uneasy today. 

I am not looking forward to starting work again.  I dread the past repeating itself.  Since I don't understand what I've done "wrong" before, I don't know how to "prevent" it.  But none of that makes sense because I can't prevent other people acting in toxic ways.

My husband told me he regrets planning this trip he is leaving for.  I hope that he stays safe.  Part of me also hopes that he continues to step out of the FOG that his parents cause.  I wish he wasn't putting himself at his dad's mercy like he is but there is nothing I can do.  He will leave tomorrow.

My husband is also having career woes.  He took a leave of absence from his work.  He resigned a stressful position before that leave with the understanding both that his company might "have" a job when his leave is over and that he has skills that they still want so he could work in a different role.  He heard today about coming back and it sounds like some of his former bosses are really being uncool about him taking this leave.  His act of taking care of himself is causing discomfort.  I'm not sure what he will do. 

All of this uncertainty with starting work and all the upheaval with moving and all the stress of the past few years and the burden of being a person living with CPTSD is taking a toll.