Accepting Myself

[Armee]

 

Try not to be too hard on yourself, especially as you have FOO on your mind right now and a move hanging over your head.

[Blueberry]

Thanks so much Armee. Today, this afternoon that is, as I was lying on my sofa doing crosswords despite the amount of stuff that needs to be done by Monday, as I was going the old shame/self-blame route, I remembered what you wrote and remembered to not be too hard on myself. Added later: That means I stopped the shame/self-blame because I remembered that it doesn't help at all.

Now that I finally managed to phone friend's h, I have a bit of a reprieve anyway: he can't manage the move on Monday, it's going to be Wed, so I have more time to make space in my apt for my office stuff. Which is what I have been putting off all day.

[Armee]

  I'm so glad my words could help you be kinder to yourself. And I'm relieved for you that you have a little extra time to make space for moving office stuff into your apartment.

I have no idea if this will be helpful to share...but....sometimes when I am laying in bed I feel paralyzed and can't move. It took me a few years to just recently realize....ok I can actually move. Physically there's nothing wrong, but right now I can't move. That's dissociation. That part of my brain is turned off right now. (There's an acceptance that I can't move but a knowledge that there's a possibility of movement. I'm not beating myself up when I do this, anymore, though of course I used to.)

If I ask myself...is there a part of my body I can move just a little, even though I can't move my legs? The answer is always yes, there's some little part of my body I can move. Sometimes I can slightly wiggle my shoulders and then torso, and then I can wiggle my butt, and then I can flex my thigh muscles, and then I can wiggle my toes and roll my ankles. Eventually those micromovements lead to being able to shift my foot and uncross my ankles and then to being able to move my entire leg and eventually I can make enough movements to get up.

That's been really helpful....using those micromovements to get all those neurons firing. I just wonder if there's something similar that can be done to turn on the parts of you that are really good at getting stuff done, when you need to. All those parts of you are there, it's just learning to access them at the right times and asking them to step back when you need rest, or activity. To be honest I haven't tried this micromovement approach to parts though, just unparalyzing myself. I don't know if it works but it came to me to share that with you when I read your post.

[sanmagic7]

so glad you found something to help alleviate the blame/shame cycle, blueberry.  i'm glad those words struck home in a good way for you.  even tho we've said the exact same thing here many times, it's amazing how much a reminder can do.  keep taking care of you, ok?  even if it means sofa and crosswords.  i believe you've got some inner sense that it's the right time for that and the other will come later in its own time.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Today a friend came, the friend who helps me with cleaNing but this time she was helping with cleaRing instead. I was beyond all help after an hour. Not because my friend was there - the reason I am so happy she is willing to clean for me is that she is non-judgemental and I pick up on that when she's here. Maybe other reasons too that idk off-hand having her around helping me is not stressful the way having other people including other friends can be. But still I was incapable of making any decisions after her being here an hour and me making decisions within that time.

This is also a thing to accept about myself: I may need a big long break after just one hour of any type of work. The criteria for my disability pension is: inability to do work of any kind more than 2.75 hours a day, 5 days a week on the normal job market, so not just inability in my own profession. Makes sense that any type of work including housework, clearing and packing for a move may be too much.

Luckily for me today and I need to carry more stuff to a friend's basement to put in storage for a while. Going out for little walks back and forth in the sun and fresh air will do me good. I also need to do a pile of dishes, doing dishes often helps too because doing simple work in warm water with hands and it's not cognitive and I often listen to music while I'm about it.

[Armee]

That seems like a big and kind breakthrough to realize your disability limitations apply to ALL work, not just a subset of work. That makes sense and I can see how easy it would be to overlook. 

[sanmagic7]

   good job to realize that, blueberry.  love and hugs as you go about the rest of your chores.

[Blueberry]

Thank you both armee and san 

Maybe not so much 'overlook' as not wanting to really know or admit to myself? But now I've seen and felt it.

[rainydiary]

I am grateful you have a supportive friend that can provide space for you to see yourself from different angles. 

I also appreciate the distinction between cleaning and clearing - I need to do some clearing and am avoiding it.  I wonder if making the distinction between cleaning and clearing would help me.

[Blueberry]

Today I managed far more work than yesterday or particularly Monday!    
I am tired now, in general, and my feet are tired. 3 hours of move from office into apt with help and before that preparing the move for most of the day   A great deal is done now, especially all the stuff that I can't do alone like moving furniture around and other things that are just difficult for me like setting computer and telephone up again, and also before that deciding where everything needs to go. For the remaining stuff, I can do more bit by bit. It's almost 10pm and I need to make myself something to eat and drink and then rest 

[CrackedIce]

Congrats!  Always feels good to get that stuff out of the way.  Hope the rest of your move goes as well!

[Not Alone]

That was a lot to get done. I hope you were able to get some rest.

[CactusFlower]

aaaaaaaand breathe.  It sounds like a lot, but making big strides in the process. Hope your rest helped!  gentle hugs if you want them.

[Blueberry]

Thank you all! I was able to rest. I think I'm now going to finally start the new Journal I mentioned a while back 

[Armee]