Big heartedness (Still a kid wanting love)

[johnram]

As i have been working through my layers, i have come to this sense that most people with cPTSD (i used to attend an in-person group also), are deep down quite big hearted but scared. 

Where as normal people learn or are taught to guard with boundaries, we still have the kids heart in a pure fashion as it wasnt met.  It wasnt moulded, it was closed. 

Maybe i am not making sense, but i just have a sense of bigger love, childlike love, that might not be the world we live in, but it has a beauty that is lacking

i say all this, and i also will say my ability to share it is hard, i am so guarded and protective of my heart and the risk of being hurt....

anyway i am rambling, but seeing if it lands

[Papa Coco]

I agree with much of what  you're saying. I think its why I like this forum so much. There are so many beautiful, caring people on it. We've learned through the CPTSD books that many of us are reading that childhood trauma drives us into the four survival types. I've noticed too, that the CPTSD survivors who seek help are Fawn-Types first. I'm a Fawn, then Freeze, Then Flight, then Fight type.  I would bet that nearly everyone on this forum is a Fawn type first, followed by the other three in various orders. I personally believe that there are millions of CPTSD survivors who are not Fawn Types, but who are Fight types. They're out there, but you and I aren't meeting them in groups because they don't seek healing.  We fawn types seek healing.

My therapist recently turned me on to the Enneagrams, where I learned that I'm a Type 6 person. (Free Enneagram tests can be taken by googling for the free tests. I have little doubt you'll be a 6 also). If you want to really read about yourself (and most of us on this forum) do some internet searches on Enneagrams, specifically the type 6. If you want to do deeper research, I can recommend the book: The Spiritual Dimension of the Enneagram by Sandra Matri.

6s are people who truly care about others, and who tend to be the closest of the 9 types to spiritual awareness. We're the most emotionally intelligent. We seek help. We give help. We value life more than money or status. We're also the most tortured because we can see the pain in others. (We're the opposite of "Ignorance is Bliss")  The book gives great advice for how we can begin to get over the pains of our past.

Just a thought.

I hope you're having a good day,

[johnram]

thanks Papa Coco...

i did the test, as i was curious (i did it years gone by but had lost my result).  I got a 3 then an 8 and 6 (Equally) .  The 3 was true, but as my layers have peeled its less so as i am focused on healing as a goal - i think of myself as a traumatised alpha.  My core self is likely a 3, the 6 feels more my trauma responses, which are very present last so many years.  and the 8 has steered me through difficult issues (its my fight element - that still lives in there).  Its funny as my mix is currently blocking me. 

the 6 is opening up more and more though, so who knows where i will land at the end of this.  I find these tests a bit suspect with my cPTSD, as responses are sometimes not my personality but a trauma response, or defense, rather than the core self.  I find it hard to untangle all that, although i am trying - if that makes sense.  Had the same issue with the Myers Briggs stuff, i come out as INTP, but others would find me INFP and i think i could be extroverted also (maybe an ambivert), confusing i know. 

thanks for sharing....

the big hearted part i think has been covered by the trauma response....and feeling for others, has been developing more.  i have a strong care element for others, and very loyal, but i think as i have been shut down to my own feelings and needs, i am less aware of others for the same

again - thats reshaping i think again

hope that ramble makes some sense

I agree with much of what  you're saying. I think its why I like this forum so much. There are so many beautiful, caring people on it. We've learned through the CPTSD books that many of us are reading that childhood trauma drives us into the four survival types. I've noticed too, that the CPTSD survivors who seek help are Fawn-Types first. I'm a Fawn, then Freeze, Then Flight, then Fight type.  I would bet that nearly everyone on this forum is a Fawn type first, followed by the other three in various orders. I personally believe that there are millions of CPTSD survivors who are not Fawn Types, but who are Fight types. They're out there, but you and I aren't meeting them in groups because they don't seek healing.  We fawn types seek healing.

My therapist recently turned me on to the Enneagrams, where I learned that I'm a Type 6 person. (Free Enneagram tests can be taken by googling for the free tests. I have little doubt you'll be a 6 also). If you want to really read about yourself (and most of us on this forum) do some internet searches on Enneagrams, specifically the type 6. If you want to do deeper research, I can recommend the book: The Spiritual Dimension of the Enneagram by Sandra Matri.

6s are people who truly care about others, and who tend to be the closest of the 9 types to spiritual awareness. We're the most emotionally intelligent. We seek help. We give help. We value life more than money or status. We're also the most tortured because we can see the pain in others. (We're the opposite of "Ignorance is Bliss")  The book gives great advice for how we can begin to get over the pains of our past.

Just a thought.

I hope you're having a good day,

[Armee]

Johnram I feel the same way I have no idea how to know what is me and what is trauma response. I do think of myself as caring and kind almost to a fault but that's a trauma response. Who am I really? I don't know yet.

[rainydiary]

This post is really resonating right now.  My inner child has been reaching out to me for a several weeks now and I haven't been picking up the signals.  I've been stuck in my fear of "messing up again."

I love my work with students and have worked with many students that I now know are experiencing CPTSD (I don't think they know it).  Someone I know well has reminded me it might be helpful to talk to myself like I would one of my students.  That has helped me sometimes. 

[Armee]

Enneagram type 9. Peace at all cost. Sounds right.

[Papa Coco]

Armee:

Awesome. I think 9s, 6s and 3s are the spiritual ones. By spiritual I mean we know that we are part of something bigger than ourselves. Since that's what we know, that's how we behave. Like we're connected. So naturally, we want to do unto others as we want them to do unto us. 

I love knowing I'm connected to you all.

[johnram]

Thanks for sharing, sorry you feel that way but glad i am not the only one who has this issue with these tests

Johnram I feel the same way I have no idea how to know what is me and what is trauma response. I do think of myself as caring and kind almost to a fault but that's a trauma response. Who am I really? I don't know yet.

[johnram]

@Papa Coco

if you mind, how do you untangle the impact of your trauma from your test results and understand what is you and what is a trauma response, you seem to be quite a fan of the enneagram - does it let you see / feel that distinction?

thanks

Armee:

Awesome. I think 9s, 6s and 3s are the spiritual ones. By spiritual I mean we know that we are part of something bigger than ourselves. Since that's what we know, that's how we behave. Like we're connected. So naturally, we want to do unto others as we want them to do unto us. 

I love knowing I'm connected to you all.

[johnram]

@Rainydiary

i have recently been doing IFS and only since, have had my inner child reach out.  Its quite wonderful.  If i may ask, when you say reaching out, what do you mean?  for me - i think my inner child has been talking to me for year through songs in my head and now, sometimes bodily sensations

thanks

This post is really resonating right now.  My inner child has been reaching out to me for a several weeks now and I haven't been picking up the signals.  I've been stuck in my fear of "messing up again."

I love my work with students and have worked with many students that I now know are experiencing CPTSD (I don't think they know it).  Someone I know well has reminded me it might be helpful to talk to myself like I would one of my students.  That has helped me sometimes.

[rainydiary]

johnram, I think I meant my inner child has been trying to talk to me and I haven't been listening.  I went through a time where I was better at listening and lately I haven't.  Instead I've been very hard on myself.

I am coming to realize that right now my triggers are more internal and that I have been in either one or various EFs for a while.  I haven't necessarily picked up on it because nothing much outside of me has happened.  I recently re-read a chapter in Pete Walker's Complex PTSD book about emotional flashbacks and it was helpful to me in understanding this. 

[johnram]

thanks for that, i still dont have a sense of flashbacks, but have been told i may be permanently in one - dont know
another for the list

johnram, I think I meant my inner child has been trying to talk to me and I haven't been listening.  I went through a time where I was better at listening and lately I haven't.  Instead I've been very hard on myself.

I am coming to realize that right now my triggers are more internal and that I have been in either one or various EFs for a while.  I haven't necessarily picked up on it because nothing much outside of me has happened.  I recently re-read a chapter in Pete Walker's Complex PTSD book about emotional flashbacks and it was helpful to me in understanding this.

[rainydiary]

I find it challenging to always know if I am in flashback or not.  When someone else does something, I am better at noticing changes inside and realizing I might be reacting from the past rather than the present.  When the "cause" isn't as obvious, I tend to just feel bad and not really know why. 

What I learned yesterday from reading:

Signs we might be in flashback -

Feeling small, helpless, hopeless which might also expand into shame

Feeling fragile, on edge, delicate

Evaporated self esteem

Increase in the inner or outer critic which might look like more drasticizing or catastrophizing

Intensified self criticism or judgmentalness of others

Emotional reaction may seem out of proportion to what is happening

(End list)

For me, it is tough to separate all of that stuff from how I feel most days.

[johnram]

the last line, is where i land.  thats the hard part for me too

For me, it is tough to separate all of that stuff from how I feel most days.

[Armee]

Wow. Thanks Rainy! That phrase "evaporated self esteem" is powerful because it evokes the nature of it...it just you might be feeling fine or even confident and then poof. Gone. Completely. I'm the worst stupidest ugliest person ever.