Discouraged and ashamed about my inability to maintain relationships

[storyworld]

So, I just blew up three relationships, in a short period of time. I feel like I do this. I'll be okay for a while, and I'll even begin to think that maybe I can trust the person. Then conflict occurs, and I react too strongly, simultaneously retreating (internally telling myself "I'm done), but also externally in that I lash out (perhaps partially because I've decided the relationship is over, so I've lost the relationship protecting filter. Then, after the fallout, I'm ashamed that I have ruined yet another relationship. And each time, I tell myself I won't react this way the next time but then land in the same spot. I've heard and read this gets better once people heal, but I'm struggling to understand how healing from something that occurred with my parents decades ago will help me suddenly behave different relationally in the present. I fear that maybe I won't ever get better in this area. Honestly, I don't know if I'd mind being alone. What is harder is that I tend to let my guard down and forget that it's wiser for me to remain relationally detached, and then I repeat the cycle. Only with added shame from the recent relationship explosion.

[Blueberry]

I can relate somewhat. Sitting with you and if helpful and not too close or anything, sending supportive     If they're too much, please ignore. 

[Bermuda]

storyworld, I feel you. It is such a struggle. One thing that I hope it's okay that I point out, is that you are aware of this. That is such a huge thing. I don't know what it is like for you, but for me there was a long time that I just thought everyone hated me and that I couldn't fit in, but then I started to see that I pull away. It isn't my fault, but it is something I do.

It is so difficult. You are right though, it can get better. You recognising it is already the first step. For me, I am at a place that I can pull away and maybe come back if it feels safe. I just explained to someone yesterday that I have been quiet all month because I don't want my bad juju to rub off on good people. Saying something like that is not something I could have done even a couple years ago. I have found it important to let myself retreat. It doesn't have to signal an end,

[dollyvee]

Hi Storyworld,

I can relate to this a lot and feel like I've been there. Things that happened with your parents decades ago can affect you through attachment wounds. Of course, it's not all of our personality, but might account for some of the behaviours there. I know when I read about fearful avoidant behaviours, the push/pull dynamic, not trusting other people, and needing a sense of space it made a lot of sense. I can recommend Heidi Priebe's videos on attachement if you're interested.

Sending you support,
dolly

[NarcKiddo]

This totally resonates with me.

I always leave the other person before they can leave me. I generally justify it to myself by saying that they crossed some line. OK, except it is usually a line they don't know about because I haven't dared to tell them. Or I have confected the line after the event to justify my behaviour, which I tend to do if I have been really unfair to them (ghosted them, for example). I have not done any of this for years but I got through a large number of boyfriends in my youth because my mother trained me that my worth as a woman is utterly dependent on the man I can get for myself.

The discussions I have had with my T about this revolve around trust and the concept of "good enough". I had no experience of good enough in any area of my childhood. I had to excel and if I did not excel then I was not encouraged to continue and to try to improve. There must be no evidence of not being awfully good at something. Enjoyment was immaterial. My mother had to be made to feel she was marvellous and right at all times. To be a good daughter I had to reflect her glory to her at all times. My father is very concerned with outward appearances. Nobody in my family is interested in truth - only appearance. As a result I struggle with perfectionism and strict ideals of how people should behave. If they deviate from my view of perfection I easily consider this to be proof they cannot be trusted. If I point out their failure to them I expect them to react with fury, like my mother, rather than try to resolve the conflict. So I don't point out their failure. But because they cannot now be trusted, and did not behave perfectly towards me, it becomes a sign that they don't actually care about me at all. So I had better leave them before they leave me. After all, I cannot live up to my own standards of perfection, so why would they want to stay with me?

For me, part of healing means exploring the concept of good enough. Of them being good enough and of me being good enough and being prepared to work through difficulties instead of running for the hills.

[storyworld]

Bluebberry, thank you for your encouragement.

Bermuda, thank you for the hope you have provided in your response. I do tend to feel "stuck" in my gunk. I told my husband, I don't want to behave this way. I've been reading a book on the IFS model (parts) and tried to journal through this today. I've realized it comes down to my difficulty believing that anyone would want to spend time with me, and that I'm annoying and frustrating and a burden. So when I see what feels like indications of that, my defenses rise up. I need to give myself more time to retreat. Thank you for that encouragement. I want to reach a place where I pause and consider why I had such a strong response, and deal with that before engaging with the other person.

Thank you, DollyVee. I've been told I have disorganized attachment, and I can see that in my reactions and responses. Honestly, I feel shame from this. Like I am broken and defective. I felt angry today, thinking about one of the people I had difficulty with. I know this is wrong, but I was mad that she came from a healthy place and processed relationships through a place of having grown up loved and cherished. And it didn't feel fair. I didn't ask for my childhood, and it feels like I am forever paying for it.

NarcKiddo, I can relate to what you wrote. I have also been thinking about your statement about a "good enough." I can relate to that. In my home, I didn't always know what I had done to make my parents upset, but I always knew I had done something. And I just had the overall sense that I was a burden, a bother, and at times, hated. I have just recently realized how this affects my interactions with others. If I mess up at all, or they feel I have, I expect complete and automatic rejection.

I don't know if this will help at all, but I've decide to journal for a week on how my husband responds to me. He behaves as if he actually wants to be with me. My hope is that, in doing that, maybe I won't feel so ... I don't quite know how to describe it.

I thank you all for sharing your experiences. That helps more than you know.